Let’s be clear: we are not talking about a marriage where the partners agree to partner swap. I have thought about such arrangements, (not for my wife and I) and I have to confess that I cannot get my head around the notion that a man and his wife quite deliberately and both willingly leave home to go to a place where they will move around and do and get done by and with others, and then go home and resume the routine of their daily lives without there being residual problems.
I think I understand the underlying concept. Will someone please correct me if I am wrong, but I think it goes like this: Sexual intercourse between the same two partners tends to lose its lustre and spontaneity over time due to familiarity. That’s not necessarily the same thing as genuine love for one another, but the simple joy of having a really good shag for its sake can only be maintained through diversity. Someone new to discover, a slightly different technique, a different smell, taste, feel, kind of like visiting a new country for the first time. I understand that the very best part of these experiences occurs in a dark room where it’s all about feel. No names or any other information is ever divulged.
I’m a little sketchy on the details as I was not allowed to do any real research on the subject, so I will be relying on those of you who have been there and done that. The part of such an arrangement between partners that I respect is the honesty. The partners recognize the limitations and the dangers of routine sex for them, and they have been both open and honest with one another. They have made this adult pact, which I suppose could include certain behaviour restrictions, and off they go for an evening’s entertainment.
Guys, before you think about approaching your wife with this idea, I have a suspicion that women find this type of activity much more enjoyable than men. Women have fantasies too, remember, and they don’t share them with us. For us guys, after a couple of times over the top we’re ready to go to sleep, and boredom sets in. How are you going to handle it when you can’t even find your wife because she is under a pile-up. “Honey, is that you?” I would expect the first sign of trouble to be when you’re ready to go home and she is far from ready to leave. Happens at conventional parties, doesn’t it?
I would fear that the longer the couple practises this lifestyle the closer they are to a break-up. The very fact that they are sharing one another in an open way does not seem to me to be a building and strengthening process. It seems to me to be very destructive, and surely, one day either one will encounter the one outstanding woman or man who really sends them ballistic, and than they will want more, more, and even more. How does one control one’s feelings and emotions. The simple reality is that you can’t, at least not for long.
One other question nags at me, and that is, do such couples talk about their experiences with one another, and if so, are they as honest as they lead one another to believe. Finally, what about safe sex? How safe can it be under such circumstances. I could only imagine participating in such activities with someone who I regarded as a temporary and disposable woman in my life. The woman that I love and cherish is for me alone. Call me old fashioned if you wish.
So, if the above scenario is too much for most people are there any other options, other than absolute fidelity, such as the “open marriage”, which is simply a variation on the one described above.
That brings us to the question of the silent infidelity, where in most cases only one partner is unfaithful, (probably the male) and the affair is kept discreet. It can even be maintained over many years with the guilty party going to extra lengths to keep the home fires glowing nicely.
My point is that in such cases, the other partner does know that something is going on as there are far too many clues that get left about. I also suspect that the wife may even be grateful, in many cases that she is not being bothered to “serve” her husband, being relieved of that chore by the other woman. In the case of a man who is incapable of sexually satisfying his wife, he may tacitly accept that those of her needs will have to be met by someone capable. As long as she continues to be with him and to be a comfort where he needs it he can accept the reality as long as he does not actually have to face it.
Am I wrong? I would love to have your feed-back.
E-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com
Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael
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