About twenty-five years ago I met a female visitor to my island and invited her out for a night of entertainment. The night went swimmingly well and one thing led to another: Around 4am I found myself in her hotel room and under the covers. (She had insisted that we completely disrobe.)
At the point at which the main event was to take place, her entire attitude changed (no, I had not done anything to offend her), and she ordered me to stop, and to get out of her room immediately, without getting dressed, or she would scream.
I did two things that were absolutely correct in the circumstances: (1) When she said stop, I stopped immediately. No questions or discussion, I simply stopped. (2) When she insisted that I grab my clothes and run from the room naked I simply went to the door and opened it wide and told her to go ahead, scream.
I then took my own sweet time to dress while maintaining a conversation with the crazy woman. I asked her two questions: (a) Other than myself, how many men had she played her little game with? She replied, “All of them. I am a virgin and I plan to stay that way.”
(b) How many of the men had actually run out with their clothes in their hands? Reply: “All of them, except you.”
Before leaving I warned her that she was playing at a very dangerous game that would one day surely end in her rape, and probably her death. I hope she took my advice, but I sincerely doubt it.
That got me to thinking about the topic of rape. Even unto today I tend to pay attention to the reporting of such cases to see if there are other women out there like my little cuckoo bird.
Firstly, before I go any further, let me be abundantly clear: There is never any excuse to commit rape. She (or he) has to say No! Stop! I don’t want to do this! Whatever way she/he wants to put it, the message has to be clear so that the man knows I cannot step over this line without committing an unlawful act.
As a man, I have tried my level best to imagine the thoughts of a woman in the moments leading up to her being raped; during the act of the violation; and afterwards. Needless to say, the only thing that I know for sure is that I fall well short of the reality in my imagination.
So, if there is a victim of rape who would like to share her/his experience and thoughts with the public, under guarantee that your identity will under no circumstances be revealed, I would be grateful to hear from you. I contemplate that this type of sharing would undoubtedly help us all to understand what you went through at the time, and what you continue to suffer through. It may even give a potential rapist pause and a change of mind.
The closest I have ever come to an understanding came from an unlikely source. I came upon a young man in the street who seemed bewildered and in need of some help. At the time I thought he was just a little lost and in need of geographical direction. Little did I know.
He had just been released that day from prison where he had spent four years of having been continually raped and he desperately wanted someone to talk to. Anyone who would give him the time would do. All I did was to ask can I help you, and it all came gushing out in a torrent of despair, right there on the street corner. The rest of my day was taken up with trying to get him some help.
The broad outline is as follows: When he was sent into prison he was given to a prisoner as a favour by the Chief Warden, and for four long years he was made to do the man’s bidding. He had tried suicide, he had thought many times over of killing his tormentor, and now that he was free of all the physical persecution, he was not really free at all, because it was all in his head.
The thing that he said that will always stick with me is how he tried to explain his sense of violation. It was so complete! He could not actually find the words, just that his sense of self-worth was absolutely zero. I finally managed to get him, without prior appointment in front of the correct authority because I was sure he would not have lasted the night. Whether Social Services were able to effectively help him is something that I don’t know, but I have always wondered whether he was salvageable at all.
So, I repeat the invitation to rape survivors: Help us all to understand. It’s important!
E-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com
Coming: Is your Lovely Lady a Lunatic? Paul R. from Melbourne, Australia wants to compare.
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