List of Previous Titles

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Divorce, the Driving Force

Published June 17, 2007

There was a time when to be a divorced person was a very shameful thing. The stigma that attached itself was that of a person who was a failure. Marriage was for life, as indeed you said it would be in your vows. Everyone in the village waited in anticipation for your wedding day, and they all dressed up on that day to help you celebrate. Later, when it was revealed that the pair of you had separated it brought shame on the whole village.

Well, that was then, this is the modern age when people go into marriage with a shrug saying, if it doesn’t work out, we’ll get a divorce. The statistics are disturbing. Depending on the country, within ten years of the wedding, between 30 to 40 percent, or more have ended, and in many cases the original participants have entered into their second marriages. The idea of the serial marriage syndrome appears to be gaining ground. This is where a marriage life expectancy is determined to be about seven years. That’s when the well-known Seven-Year itch takes over and it’s time for a change.

An extreme example could be the successful independent career woman. She wants it all. She wants the two children who are legitimate; she wants the home; she wants the continuing financial support; but what she doesn’t want is a boring, pain-in-the-butt husband hanging around all the time. So, once she has all the other pieces in place there will be nothing that he can do right for her. She wants him gone and she relies on her friend, the law, to assist in getting rid of him.

I know, this is a very cynical view, but there are a number of men who are prepared to testify as to their personal experiences.

The fact is that women are in the lead in pressing for divorce. It may have always seemed that way because in many cases, where the couple agreed to separate, the man allowed her to file out of a sense of chivalry. This I know for a fact as I have done this very thing. The important point is that most women filing for divorce today would tell you that they don’t want to be married. In fact, it’s probably the guy who will say that he wishes they could work it out.

Certainly, the discomfort that women tolerated in their marriages of the recent past is unthinkable by today’s young women.

So, where does that leave modern man? Seems to me that a great deal more thought has to be put into the question: Is this trip down the aisle really advisable, or even necessary?

In his very excellent book written in 1970, “Future Shock”, by Alvin Toffler, he coined the phrase “the artist as antennae of our society.” If that be the case what we see movie stars and singers doing is living together apart. They maintain their own living space while at the same time being committed to each other. They bring up their families with the children spending time between the two homes. This all seems to be predicated on the fact that this is how it will be in the end anyway, so they just cut out the painful middle part.
Copyright (c) 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Divorce, without Tears.

Published, Sunday, June 10th, 2007
If you and your wife have come to that painful place where you have agreed to part, I suggest you read this now .

  • Hopefully you will not have as yet each engaged a lawyer. If you have, I suggest that you both need to bind both lawyers hands and feet, and place a gag over their mouths, then lock them in a room, back to back while the two of you hunt for a way forward. The lawyers won’t mind me suggesting this because I do so with affection, but the fact is that once the lawyers get involved things just get impossibly complicated.

    I don’t blame the lawyers: You both will give them their instructions and they will do the best for each of you individually. That’s their job. They cannot make the kinds of decisions that involve your history and they don’t know the kinds of details that even you have both forgotten for the time being.

    The title I have given this is not meant to be facetious or even funny because I recognize that there is absolutely nothing funny about what you are going through. You have entered into a hell without comparison, and your challenge is to get through it by at least preserving your sanity.

    The essential factor that is missing at this stage is goodwill. With goodwill many things can be achieved that otherwise will be impossible. Where does one find goodwill at a time like this? The source is usually there, but it lies under a heavy load of disappointment and ill-will. Chances are that you are both confused about what went wrong and exactly when. The tendency is to blame the other person, and once this is done it is writ in stone.

    For those of us on the outside, the only thing that we can conclude about your marriage on the rocks is that you are both responsible. Let me repeat that. A marriage that is successful is the credit of both partners who have found the formula that works for them, and they use that formula to best advantage. No-one else may take the credit. When the marriage breaks down the failure is the responsibility of both partners. No-one else may be made to take the blame.

    Certainly, in both cases outside influences can be a factor, but at the heart of the matter, only the two people directly involved bear the core responsibility. If you will accept that premise, at least for the moment, then we can move on to the next step.

    If you both share responsibility for the impasse in which you find yourselves, then the way forward is also your responsibility, and only you can find the path that best suits you. Unless you find that little bit of goodwill that will allow give and take, no one is going to go anywhere. The only people to benefit will be the lawyers as the number of billable hours continue to climb.

    Where there are children involved, while this can be the most complicating factor it can also be the place to first look for goodwill. Presumably you are proud of your children, and you love them as they are your own flesh and blood. Your children are the result of a successful collaboration and you have each other to thank for that. You share that unique accomplishment between you, and it would not have turned out thus with any other combination.

    Without goodwill, she will be wholly focused on cutting off your family jewels and you will not be able to think of anything else other than defending them. Goodwill provides some elbow-room. Goodwill accepts that what once was is now dead in the water and there will be life afterwards for you both, but only if you survive this ordeal.

    Here are a couple of things to keep in mind. Really, they are mistakes to avoid like a swarm of angry bees:

    - The only interest the courts have as to who did what that caused the marriage to collapse is to be convinced that the break is final. The court is not going to punish either party for their failure or contribution, no matter how much you might want it to. That’s the role of a different kind of court. (Maybe!)
    - Principle costs lots of money. Whomever gets stuck on the principle of the thing sinks the ship. People prolong the whole process over who gets the dog or the CD collection. Some things need a simple flip of a coin to decide.
    - It’s not about you, or her. It’s about your children. What do they need, and how best to protect them so that they are not too damaged by this sea change that is taking place in their lives. Remember: You cannot hurt her without hurting them, and she cannot hurt you without hurting them. Work it out! On your own, and when it's done simply tell the lawyers what to put in the agreement and don’t let them change a thing! That’s all you need the lawyers for.

    Now, picture this: your assets are like a cow. This is the classic image, and seated either side of the cow are the lawyers who are busy milking your cow for all its worth. When it's all done there will likely be very little left, but it will not be the fault of the lawyers. You will both have insisted that they stay there until you get satisfaction by winning. In a divorce there are no winners. Even if it may appear that someone has won at first. The fact is everybody loses!

    Although you know my name, I am going to sign this, “ Been There and Done That!”

    One more thing: I wish you and your soon-to-be ex, all the Best!
Copyright (c) 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Rape!

Re-Published June 3, 2007


About twenty-five years ago I met a female visitor to my island and invited her out for a night of entertainment. The night went swimmingly well and one thing led to another: Around 4am I found myself in her hotel room and under the covers. (She had insisted that we completely disrobe.)

At the point at which the main event was to take place, her entire attitude changed (no, I had not done anything to offend her), and she ordered me to stop, and to get out of her room immediately, without getting dressed, or she would scream.

I did two things that were absolutely correct in the circumstances: (1) When she said stop, I stopped immediately. No questions or discussion, I simply stopped. (2) When she insisted that I grab my clothes and run from the room naked I simply went to the door and opened it wide and told her to go ahead, scream.

I then took my own sweet time to dress while maintaining a conversation with the crazy woman. I asked her two questions: (a) Other than myself, how many men had she played her little game with? She replied, “All of them. I am a virgin and I plan to stay that way.”
(b) How many of the men had actually run out with their clothes in their hands? Reply: “All of them, except you.”

Before leaving I warned her that she was playing at a very dangerous game that would one day surely end in her rape, and probably her death. I hope she took my advice, but I sincerely doubt it.

That got me to thinking about the topic of rape. Even unto today I tend to pay attention to the reporting of such cases to see if there are other women out there like my little cuckoo bird.

Firstly, before I go any further, let me be abundantly clear: There is never any excuse to commit rape. She (or he) has to say No! Stop! I don’t want to do this! Whatever way she/he wants to put it, the message has to be clear so that the man knows I cannot step over this line without committing an unlawful act.

As a man, I have tried my level best to imagine the thoughts of a woman in the moments leading up to her being raped; during the act of the violation; and afterwards. Needless to say, the only thing that I know for sure is that I fall well short of the reality in my imagination.

So, if there is a victim of rape who would like to share her/his experience and thoughts with the public, under guarantee that your identity will under no circumstances be revealed, I would be grateful to hear from you. I contemplate that this type of sharing would undoubtedly help us all to understand what you went through at the time, and what you continue to suffer through. It may even give a potential rapist pause and a change of mind.

The closest I have ever come to an understanding came from an unlikely source. I came upon a young man in the street who seemed bewildered and in need of some help. At the time I thought he was just a little lost and in need of geographical direction. Little did I know.

He had just been released that day from prison where he had spent four years of having been continually raped and he desperately wanted someone to talk to. Anyone who would give him the time would do. All I did was to ask can I help you, and it all came gushing out in a torrent of despair, right there on the street corner. The rest of my day was taken up with trying to get him some help.

The broad outline is as follows: When he was sent into prison he was given to a prisoner as a favour by the Chief Warden, and for four long years he was made to do the man’s bidding. He had tried suicide, he had thought many times over of killing his tormentor, and now that he was free of all the physical persecution, he was not really free at all, because it was all in his head.

The thing that he said that will always stick with me is how he tried to explain his sense of violation. It was so complete! He could not actually find the words, just that his sense of self-worth was absolutely zero. I finally managed to get him, without prior appointment in front of the correct authority because I was sure he would not have lasted the night. Whether Social Services were able to effectively help him is something that I don’t know, but I have always wondered whether he was salvageable at all.

So, I repeat the invitation to rape survivors: Help us all to understand. It’s important!
E-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com

Coming: Is your Lovely Lady a Lunatic? Paul R. from Melbourne, Australia wants to compare.