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Sunday, February 24, 2008

More Violence in the Home



I was in the midst of doing a simple task that we all must do, that being taking out the trash to the bins at the entrance to our estate. But on this day that simple task became overshadowed by a very disturbing incident that I would like to share with you, as it is definitely a cautionary tale.

What I observed was an attack in progress by a woman upon her male partner. I have no way of knowing what provoked it, but she was very belligerent in her verbal attacks. They had arrived in a van, and he had obviously stopped and got out to try and get away from her. Every time he took a step she was in his path and in his face. For his part, he was really enraging her by not engaging with her in the argument. He simply kept quiet and tried to walk away, but she was having none of it.

She started to demand that he give her the mobile phone. He then got back in the van and started to drive forward when she jumped in and started tearing the van to pieces. Anything that she could dislodge she ripped off and threw it out. He again stopped the van and got out and began to walk away, but he attempted to place a call. She simply went ballistic. It turned out that he was calling the police, and that’s when she got very physical, punching him, and scratching him.

She then tried to throw him to the ground, but the plan backfired when she missed her kick and lost her footing and down she went into the dirt. Now she became a screaming banshee, kicking, punching, throwing dirt at him, and yelling great obscenities, all of which drew a small group of spectators. A couple of people went to his aid, and for their efforts they attracted her venom.

Finally, there arrived a lone policeman in his car. Instead of calming her down she became even more outraged, flying at the policeman even before he got out of his car. He called for backup, and there came the Guardia Civil, who were left with no alternative but to forcefully put her in handcuffs and march her off to jail.

While I have no idea of what set her off, I take my hat off to her partner who was severely provoked to defend himself by striking back. However, therein lies the problem for a man: no matter how badly he is provoked by a woman, he cannot physically strike back, as he would were his attacker another man without drawing down the ire of the law that seems to hold that under no circumstances is a man justified by striking a woman.

This is an intolerable situation for men because there are many very capable women of inflicting great harm upon whomever they decide to hit. That a man is expected to stand there, as I watched the man who was attacked, and hold your arms out wide and let her rain down the blows, including scratching and kicking, drawing blood in the process is, in my view, taking the men-woman situation too far. Everyone is entitled to defend himself or herself.

The man in this tale never laid a hand on her in anger. He was a model of restraint, and took a severe beating from her. Let no one mistake her capability in causing pain and suffering. I happen to regard women as equal to men. If they do not have the natural upper body strength, there are other ways that they can do their damage.

By this piece, I pay homage to a man who, under very trying conditions set the example of how to deal with a situation of this magnitude. He had to be one in a million, as she was really demanding that he pop her one. Fortunately for him he didn’t, and the police could see that, and they congratulated him.

What would have been better is that the incident had not happened at all. It was one of the ugliest that I have seen in a long time. What I am particularly pleased about is that my suggestion to families is: Don’t Provoke, Don’t Hit! He was severely provoked, but he didn’t hit back. What I don’t know is what provoked her.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, February 17, 2008

How Nice to meet You (IV)




We are exploring an effective way to market oneself when trying to attract that special person on the Internet. Most dating services limit severely what you can say about yourself, which is a pity because what most people say is that they are perfect, and completely without flaws. However, women are usually a little better than men, in that they do include a little more of their personalities in the piece. Men usually say what their professions are, and list the kind of woman they are seeking, and that’s it.

In part three I was challenged to write a profile for a woman that would really give the reader an insight into her personality. This week I will have a go at helping the guys.

“Hello, my name is William, but I prefer to be called Bill. I’m 54 years of age, in good health, and I’m in search of one Good Woman.

“ I am divorced, and we have one child between us, with whom I maintain a reasonable relationship. I work as a builder, and that takes up a fair bit of my time. You could say that I’m a very uncomplicated person, a” meat and potatoes” type of man. I like pub people and the social scene that goes with the pub, however, on most nights you are likely to find me at home resting after a hard day’s work. A woman who shares an appreciation of the same home and pub style of life would be a great companion to me.

“I have made some mistakes in my former marriage, like over-doing the drinking, and taking the missus for granted, but I’m determined to learn from those mistakes and I will avoid them in the future. I think that if we don’t learn from our mistakes, then what was the point.

“My attitude towards women is one of respect, but I would like to be depended upon as provider and protector, as that is the role that I think I should play in a relationship.

“One other thing: I’m as gentle as a lamb and as cuddly as a bear.”

I think that this description is succinct and to the point. We know that Bill is middle aged and is probably looking to settle down again with a woman who is also looking for a relationship that could lead to a settled situation. She can see that our Bill is a blue collar, down to earth type, who is probably steady as a rock. At age 54 he is a little older but definitely wiser as he seems to have learned from his past mistakes. He at least is willing to acknowledge them, and that is the mandatory first step to improvements.

He hasn’t bothered to detail what kinds of music he likes, and what movies he watches. All that will come out in the general discussions. By adding that he is a gentle man, a woman who might be concerned about that is encouraged to respond. In fact, I suspect our Bill may be spoiled for choices. There are many lonely hearts in the world who deserve a companion. There are also a lot of lonely hearts who deserve their status, the problem is trying to sort out the good from the bad as applies to each individual.

Life is not a rehearsal. We only get to live it once, and when today passes into yesterday we can do nothing about retrieving any of that time to either correct mistakes, or to relive it. So, if you are sitting alone in your home hoping that something will happen, it probably won’t. You have to make it happen. There are no guarantees in life, such as you will never have your heart broken again. You take your chances, and Good Luck!


Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, February 10, 2008

How Nice to Meet You! (Part Three)








Well, now I seem to have gone and put my foot right in it up to the thigh. In the first part of this thread several of you thought that I was making fun of the way that you present yourselves in your Personal Adverts. Busted! I was sort of doing just that because everyone seems to be saying the same subjective things about themselves, and no one has any flaws or blemishes whatsoever. Can that be right?

I repeat that I support the medium of turning a lonely existence into one where two people find companionship and even love. However, the system is open to abuse and the scammers are all around, so one has to be on guard and use common sense. Take things slowly, and one step at a time. A lot of criteria should be met before taking the brakes off.

There are a lot of people who are genuine lonely hearts looking for long-term, preferably permanent relationships. The amazing thing is that often the ideal person that you may be looking for might live just a few doors along from you. This is one way of finding each other.

My criticism is directed towards the presentation of the information about the advertising person. Maybe it’s the fault of the service that restricts the number of words that can be used to describe yourself. I have been challenged to write a better personal advert since I have dared be a critic.

I’m not personally looking for a mate on the Internet, but if I were here’s some of what I hope you would tell me. In this case I’m going to put myself in the place of Maria who is looking for a friend.

“ Hello, my name is Maria. I am 48 years of age, divorced with two lovely daughters who are so precious and intelligent, ages 13, and 16. Unfortunately things went sour between their father and I, but we maintain a cordial and respectful relationship as we have the common interest of our daughters. However, he has moved on with his life, and he now supports my efforts in doing the same.

“I enjoy my career as a graphic artist with a national magazine, and that, together with caring for my daughters gives me almost all the fulfilment I need. Missing from my life is a good friend to share those special moments that turn the good into great.

“I live in downtown Valencia which I enjoy for the convenience of the theatre, cinema, good restaurants and concerts. We also take full advantage of the outdoors in the park and the beach.

“ I am not afraid to try new things. Some are quite tame I suppose, such as riding bicycles with my daughters, but if you could see how uncoordinated I am on two wheels you would have to laugh. At least I am out of the house and doing something to get fit and stay fit. I have also taken up walking in the country through the excellent Senderismo program offered by the city of Valencia. My girls and I have come to regard this as an essential interest, and although it still hurts after a full day’s exercise I do feel good.

“I am not without friends, as I enjoy a wide circle of really good social support, but I am looking outside that group for one special person. That person could be you, but I would first value your respect for me as a person, never to be taken for granted. I would value in you sensitivity and maturity, kindness and the highest regard for my daughters. You would not be asked to assume the role of their father as he discharges those duties in a most loving way.

“You also would not be asked to move in with us as I believe that might place undue stress on what is a delicate balance. My daughters have the encouragement of my ex-husband to help me settle my personal life again, so that’s not the problem. But there’s no pressure to go to that level right away.

“ I am also not a smoker, I enjoy alcohol, mostly wine at dinner in modest quantities, and I strongly disapprove of recreational drugs. It is essential that the people I associate with share those views.

So! If you are looking, you now have a pretty good idea of who Maria is and whether you have anything to offer her. If she only said that she was friendly, liked to go out, liked the movies, etc, so what? Most people do. What do you think? Does this work any better?

On the whole, women do a much better job of introducing themselves to the world. Men need a lot of help, so I shall have a go of presenting a good profile of a man next week. Its all about marketing, you see.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Violence in the Home - Summary




The bibliographies on the causes of violence in the home reflect that this is a huge subject, and perhaps one of the most complex known to mankind. Perhaps also, when reduced to the simplest common denominator it is one of the most uncomplicated. How can this be?

I was going to delve deeply into the statistics and make a great in-depth study, but it has all been done before, and is readily available on the Internet. Consequently, I can see no real value in my reinventing the wheel.

Instead my approach is to ask what happens when two or more people are gathered together in some form of unit, be it employment, family, sporting organisation, or whatever? I think that there is a natural tendency towards a power struggle and control. In two-person type relationships we speak of give and take. In practically all other multi-person groupings we can work toward the will of the majority, or be guided by a plain old-fashioned dictatorship.

I think that at the heart of the problem of violence in the home is a common flaw in the makeup of humans. The need for us to hold power and dominion over others drives us towards behaviour that is anti-social. For either a man or woman to demand to always be seen to be right by their family members, especially when they are patently wrong, is arrogant and just plain immature. When father or mother declare themselves as the family head, and have to be obeyed without question, and insist that no idea can be a good idea unless it is their idea, that is an awesome responsibility to assume.

There are many examples of such families where high economic status and community respect has been achieved, but the family unit is a disaster. One does not have to look too far for well-publicised examples in many prominent families.

Some families do get it right, of course, and no doubt they all have their own methodology of maintaining peace and harmony. I assume that a common factor among them is mutual respect for each other’s opinions, and a conscious determination to live and let live. This is not always easy, but no one promised it would be.

This series has been about violence in the home. It has not attempted to counsel upon the causes; nor has it suggested that there has to be complete agreement on all things within the family. However, a good first step would be to agree, amicably not to agree.

Above all, adoption of the “Don’t Provoke – Don’t Hit” mantra, I believe, is the key. That is what ultimately keeps the peace in the family.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael