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Sunday, September 30, 2007

Who Giveth this Man to this Woman?



Is this a ridiculous title for this posting?

The trouble with Custom and Tradition is that we continue to make the same mistakes over and over again without anyone even questioning whether it is right or wrong. We simply go along with the crowd. When the occasional person comes along and wants to do things differently, we all say in unison, “You can’t do that. It goes against Tradition!”

This is really more about the tradition of expecting the bride to change her surname, rather than the act of someone, usually her father, “giving” his daughter to another.

It was only until I came here to Spain that I began to notice the things that are different between this culture and the one that I am accustomed to. Most notably is the custom whereby in marriage the bride does not take the surname of the groom.

I once attended a wedding in my country in which the bride kept her name intact. She did not change her surname to his, nor did she add his surname to hers. It was topic A, while we drank their champagne and ate their cake. We huddled in little bands and predicted that this one would surely not last. She won’t even take his name. She is definitely not committed.

Let’s consider for a minute what would be involved if we men changed our surname when we wed. I know, it’s ridiculous, but humour me, please.

So, let’s see, we have gone through the ceremony and now we sign the wedding register with our brand-new surname. First we have to get used to responding to being called Mr. Something else than what we have known all our lives, up until this point. Secondly, we have to remember to sign correctly, and perhaps get used to the spelling.

Now comes the hard part: Where do we start to change our name on all those legal documents. I suppose we might go along to the bank with a copy of our marriage certificate and change our name on all of our bank accounts, including investments, mortgages, safety deposit account, cheques, credit and debit cards, etc. Have you ever tried to simply change your address on all of your accounts at the bank? I moved three years ago and for some obscure reason I had to write to the managing director to get the various departments to make the change. Periodically the address on one or another of my accounts will revert to the original.

Got life insurance, or insurance on this and that? Those are legal documents and they all have to be changed. Don’t forget your driving license. Be sure to set aside the day that is necessary to deal with Trafico.

Don’t forget the Post office, the utilities, your voter registration, your medical records, and last, but certainly not least, your Will.

Probably the easiest part is to get friends and family to use your new surname, if they remember what it is or can properly spell it. Then you have to get your employer to change all his records; all your charge accounts have to be changed. Man! This is hard work! Is it really necessary?

Where does this practice come from? In patriarchal societies it was a form of branding. This is my wife, my chattel. It has been sustained through common usage for the sake of uniformity. In my country all people named Carmichael are identified as one family. It has also been used to get rid of an unfortunate surname. I once knew a young girl by the name of Susan Death. It was pronounced Dee-ath, but that didn’t fool too many people. She couldn’t wait to get married to get rid of that last name.

After you’ve done all that, there is the disturbing prospect of becoming one of the unhappy statistics joining the divorce march. Can you imagine? No wonder women get so mad at their former partners. I would be mad too!

Then we have the ancient practise of the giving away of the bride to the groom. I do not take a hard and firm position on this, although it does seem to be a little outdated in these modern times. However, families seem to feel that there is an integral place for this involvement, and there are sometimes nice little twists like both parents giving the bride away, or both sets of parents giving their offspring to their chosen life partners.

I suppose it can be said that it does underscore the milestone when children cross over the line definitely into a life of their own. However, when both bride and groom are presented to each other would seem to be a little more politically correct and in tune with modern times.



Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael