List of Previous Titles

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Tolerating a lying, cheating, scumbag Spouse



Definition: Someone who takes a lover, or lovers in betrayal of their marriage, in spite of the earnest efforts of their partner to make the union between the two work.


You both went willingly to the altar, where, before God and those witnesses present, all dressed in their finery, you made certain promises to one another in good faith. Then came the honeymoon, a period of getting used to the idea of what you had done.

The realization came in like a fog on a chilly day, and wrapped itself around you both like a heavy blanket. We are now as one person, our lives inextricably linked. Whatever happens in the future affects us both, for better or worse. We have to have agreement on the direction our lives will take; and we have to work out a program of give and take.

The welfare of each other is the business of you both, and for all intents and purposes it will be the two of you against the world, if it comes to that. You have joined yourselves at the hip, and the glue that binds is called “Trust.” Oh Yes! There’s also that other little thing called loyalty, and holding yourselves exclusively for the other, being concerned about each other’s personal needs and wants. This is for life! No matter how temptingly handsome or beautiful other people may appear, you are both spoken for.

When we take a step back and observe the practicality of marriage in our modern age of stress and distractions, it is probably the most impractical of all propositions.

As single people we really do not have to adhere to any agenda at all. Nothing much is expected of us, except perhaps to get married. And if it turns out that we are gay or lesbian, then relatives shrug their shoulders and stop bothering us. But the minute a couple get married relatives on both sides start asking when’s the baby due? Will you only be renting, or are you looking to buy your own home? You are constantly under the microscope and compared with other couples.

Either through stress, boredom, a lack of responsibility, or just plain greed, one of you gives in to temptation and you take advantage of that quiet offer that comes from perhaps someone who is actively trying to break up your happy home. You become a cheat. Maybe only for one night, or, in some cases you take up an on-going affair behind your spouse’s back. The tragedy is you think your spouse has no idea. Don’t believe it! There are so many clues that you cannot help but give. Very simply, if you are not where you are supposed to be when you are expected, where are you, or where were you?

Your spouse who believed in you, and who trusted you has to silently deal with what they will regard as your disrespect and sheer contempt for their feelings. They will experience a pain so deep from what they see as your evil acts and betrayal. Added to that is the outrage of having some stranger violate your marriage and your home, and it’s really no surprise that this can lead to some really tragic consequences.

The world looked on in awe while the late Princess Di gave her interview in which she looked so drawn. That’s when she said that her marriage consisted of three people, apparently from the start. Charles later admitted he was at fault, so we can only imagine the disappointment of the young princess who entered that marriage in fairy-tale circumstances only to have her great expectations so horribly dashed.

I think it is fair to assume that if there were no Camilla there would likely not have been a Jodi and a car ride into a pillar of the underpass in Paris.

Unexpected consequences! It means nothing later on to say, “I didn’t mean for that to happen!”
Copyright (c) 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Life! Sweet and Sour



The objective of the promotion of Harmony and Understanding between Men and Women is the enjoyment of those relationships that work. If you have never felt complete abandon to another person, then I am very sorry for you. But, don’t despair, that realization can happen at any time, usually when you least expect it. The only requirement is that you be open to the possibilities.

You have heard it said, “Oh! The things we do for love!” It is the only time in our lives when we can act as total fools and not regret one minute.(Until later?) We smooch and snog in public; we hold hands; we laugh, we love; we cry, and all’s right with the world. Ain’t love Grand!

That stage doesn’t last, of course. It does lead us to think that the natural thing to do is to spend the rest of our lives with this amazing person who has the ability to make us feel so high on life. Once we have made our union legal we go on to further complicate the situation with a mortgage and children. Suddenly, we no longer have time for each other and quality time together. All of those other things get in the way, and differences of opinion set us against each other. These are trying times, and the challenge is to survive the passage.

I was talking recently to a couple who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, which proves that it is still possible to hang in there. Many couples these days end up fighting for custody of the wedding cake, so lightly do they enter into marriage.

In reality, many artists of our time have a philosophy of avoiding the marriage contract altogether, and to avoid co-habiting. Their idea is to live together apart. That means that each partner maintains their own home, and pursues their own career without either person having to give up anything for the other person’s benefit. They believe that if their relationship is solidly based the partners will not take advantage of the opportunities to mate with other people, just because they can.

Each person has to work at maintaining the union, and the union will only succeed if the appropriate level of commitment and trust is really there.

As for the children, they spend time between the parent’s homes as agreed. The likelihood of ill will creeping into such an arrangement is probably quite low. Of course, this is all quite experimental, and time will tell.

The message from the couple that celebrated fifty years is that those fifty years were anything but blissful. They both admitted many times wishing or thinking about walking away. Times were very hard, and stress was the order of the day. There were times when they felt real hatred for one another, but they stayed the course. They had embarked upon a mission to bring up the children that they felt so compelled to bring into this world and to pay off their mortgage.

Before they knew it, the children were gone and the nest was empty. They only had each other. They could have chosen at that time to move on, both having served their time for their crimes of the heart. They chose not to do so because they had invested so much of themselves in each other.

The love that first brought them together, long ago vanished, and now that they were re-discovering each other something new was taking the place of all that lust and passion of 50 years ago. They were discovering respect, admiration, and pride in one another’s achievements. These are lasting feelings that endure for the rest of time.

Fortunately, memory is a wonderful thing. There is that screen that sets aside the hard knocks and disappointments of life in favour of the sweet things that we have experienced and are worth remembering. Were that not so, most women would give birth to only one child because of birthing pain. (So I’m told.)

For our couple looking back over the last 50 plus years, the question becomes “Now What?” These two people are both retired, and they go absolutely everywhere together. One starts a sentence and the other could finish it. They are now in that stage that young lovers talk about when they say “I want to grow old with you.”

I knew another couple like these folks. Inevitably one died, (the husband) and within two weeks his wife, who apparently was perfectly healthy, simply passed away in her sleep. As sad as that was for their children, (and all who knew them) I have always regarded that as the height of romance. The words “I can’t live without you” had real meaning.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, April 13, 2008

IS IT A HOUSE OR A HOME?







It only takes money to buy a house.
What does it take to have a home?

I was recently reading an article in The Daily Mail, of London, England entitled “So Rich you just want to Slap Them!” It was about the lifestyles of a select group of people, who I frankly do not know whether I should envy, or perhaps I should feel sorry for them. These are the movers and shakers of the investment world in New York and London, the Hedge-Fund managers and the investment bankers.

When times are good in the stock and bond markets, such people make so much money it is hard for them to have the imagination to spend it as they are so busy in earning it. It is the classic of all dichotomies: to not have the time to enjoy your wealth because so much time and effort is spent in generating it; or to have loads of time to enjoy life, but without any generation of income to support your active imagination.

I will make the time honoured statement that is usually made by people like myself, that money isn’t everything. I say that because I don’t have any. The truth and the ideal is probably somewhere in between. To earn a sufficient quantity of money to support a comfortable lifestyle while at the same time having enough daylight hours left over at the end of the day to enjoy with one’s family.

How much is enough is the eternal question? I cannot decide for anyone else, but my own yardstick goes something like this: how many pairs of shoes, socks, trousers, shirts, or suits can I wear at one time? How many meals can I eat in one sitting?

I think I am rich enough if I do not have to worry about where my next euro or dollar will come from; if I have enough money stockpiled to meet emergencies or health crisis; if I can afford the occasional luxury such as dining out, or having an exciting vacation; and if my home, and all my bills are fully paid for. Anything over and above that is excess and I should be thinking about sharing my wealth with those less fortunate. In the perfect world order the poor will always be with us. They are the purpose for our excess income, and by helping others towards a normal existence we actually get far more inner joy and warmth than from buying the latest designer this or that.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not being critical of people who have arrived at the top of their game and who earn money beyond my imagination. Nice work if you can get it, and if the opportunity came to me, what am I going to say, No? But it only takes a moment to look at the examples of Warren Buffet and Bill Gates, two of the richest men on earth to see where they get the most return for their money. It is in giving it away, or to be more exact, to use the money for humanitarian causes.

Myself, being part of a small effort to help make life for a village in Africa better gives me some authority to speak. The tremendous success that my partners and I have achieved is the most rewarding thing that we have experienced. Compare that to some of the ways in which some very privileged people spend their money: multiple homes around the world that they never get to visit and enjoy. True, these can be said to be investments, but was that the original intention.

Untold sums of money spent in self-indulgence, such as travelling to another country to have one’s hair done, or a day trip just for lunch, and other such excesses to buy the latest top-of-the-line everything, which I admit also moves the economy along, providing among other things employment; and large staffs to run the homes that result in the lady (or gentleman) of the house not actually having to lift a finger to do anything. How does she/he then spend the waking hours? Sounds to me like a dangerous recipe for boredom.

And that brings us to the crucial question of this tale. How do we know when we have reached the state of happiness? How do we know when we have created for ourselves the perfect home? As a high-flying mega-earner you get great personal satisfaction from the job that you do. As Tom Wolfe, author of “Bonfire of the Vanities” describes it; you are one of the Masters of the Universe. Most of these people consider that family is important and necessary, yet they rarely see their children, have precious little interaction with them, and no real quality time with their wives or husbands as they are always on the move.

A woman who has everything that she can imagine she needs, and in triplicate except the warmth, love and companionship of her man may begin to feel that it’s all just so hollow. On the face of it she should be happy. She may reason that there is a part that is missing, and it is so fundamental as to leave a void that cannot be ignored. Some turn to alcohol to try and numb the feeling, or drugs, or the arms of a man who may not be Mr. Right, but he is Mr. Right Now. All of these are self-destructive, and she knows it. But she cannot help herself. And what about her constant on the move power player, he will surely also feel the pain of loneliness, even in a room full of his friends and admirers. No shortage of women admirers there, so the temptation will be for a quick fling. He too will recognize it as destructive behaviour but will not be able to help himself.

This family and their ship of marriage is headed for the rocks because they are victims of their own success. The main difference with any normal couple’s disaster and that of the super-couple is the height of the fall from grace. They had it all, and it all came crashing down because of one undeniable law of nature: Love is all. Without love, all is built on a sandy foundation and the ceiling is made of iron beyond which one may not rise. That magnificent structure in which they live turned out after all, to be simply a house. For all their wealth they found they really could not buy a home.

Copyright c 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Thoroughly Modern Monica











This is a tale of a country in change. Spain, a country of great complexity and a very chequered past is a country undergoing radical, and very rapid change. Monica is a very real person, who represents that change, and is in the vanguard. She is such a startling personality, even though she doesn’t intend to be. But the fact remains that she is the personification of Spain’s new woman.

Monica is a 29 year-old single professional woman, who is ambitious, competent, well educated, and is well presented. She has achieved success and respect in her chosen career, but is not afraid to take on other more challenging horizons.

From the time of the death of General Franco in 1975, the mood of the country changed away from the strict control that it had experienced during the dictatorship to one of freedom. Over the years, more or less everything that the dictatorship represented has been replaced, along with the statutes. The General’s influence was so pervasive that it extended into and throughout the home, determining, among other things what a woman’s place was supposed to be.

Normally, changes of the sort that we are describing takes place over several generations, but the new Spanish woman has emerged after only one, or at most, two generations. Since 1975 thinking has evolved from a woman’s role being in the home raising a large family, to today’s young woman for whom career is goal number one. If there is to be a place in her life for family with children, only two can be expected, or even one token child, and pregnancy will be put off until the latest it can be; and even that may be with, or without the benefit of marriage.

In this, Spain’s young women share much in common with their American cousins. What is puzzling is what drove such rapid and total change. Why, seemingly all of a sudden, a whole generation of young women took on a brand new way of thinking.

Spain is a Catholic country, where the church still wields enormous influence. What we are seeing is a breakaway group of very strong and determined young ladies who have thrown off the expectations of church, family, and society at large.

In order for this to happen, Spanish men have had to wake up and catch up in a hurry. These changes cannot happen in isolation, and without the cooperation and understanding, and support of Spanish men. But, all has not been smooth sailing. Unfortunately, as young women try to break out of the traditional mould, they sometimes meet with very strong resistance. This is reflected in the very high rate of violence against women. Many have suffered deep wounds, and many have lost their lives in the struggle for liberation. When the time for an idea has arrived, it will prevail, no matter what. The time for the Thoroughly Modern Monica (s) of Spain is here and now. There’s no stopping the movement, and that much is clear.

There will be problems ahead as the pendulum swings to the other extreme, and it will take a little time until it settles somewhere in the middle. At least there is the experience of the American young female to guide our new woman.









Copyright (c) 2008 Eugene Carmichael