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Saturday, January 26, 2008

Violence in the Home-Patricia's Story



The Nightmare







This is a story about Patricia and Danny. These are not their real names as indeed this is an account of several troubled households. It is particularly hoped that people who abuse their families will read this cautionary tale.

“My husband Danny is dead now. He died in 2004 as a result of a massive stroke. It was not his first stroke. The first time was in 2000, and the result was he went from being a burly, healthy, violent bastard of a man to being a cripple who needed everything done for him.

“Our story began when we were both in high school. We fell in love and as a result of our sexual experimentation I fell pregnant. Our families went wild and we were forced into getting married. I was nineteen when I became pregant and he was twenty. It was clear from the start that he didn’t want to be married with a family. He blamed me and accused me of trapping him. The violence came straight away, even while I was pregnant. We were both Catholic, so contraception was out of the question. Consequently, when we had sex, I became pregnant.

“Finally, at child number five we simply stopped having sex. He got his gratification from prostitutes and made no secret about it. I cannot imagine a man who did not want the cards that life had dealt him more than our Danny. He absolutely detested his family, and to him I was the one to blame for all his troubles.

“I will say right here that he was partly right. I was actually very happy on finding out I was pregnant on that first occasion. I had not deliberately done anything behind his back to make it happen. He was as enthusiastic for us to have sex, and he took no precautions of his own to avoid pregnancy. The difference was that I wanted us to be a family. He simply felt trapped.

“The irony is that instead of abandoning us, he stayed and made for him a bad situation worse with yet more mouths to feed. His reaction was to strike out at us. He did not need any specific reason to do so. He would explode at us when he was stone cold sober as well as when he was drunk.

“He beat us all from the time he thought the children were old enough to take it, with me as his favourite punching bag. You hear of men who do things like this, then apologize afterward. Danny never apologized once while the beatings were taking place. He used his vocal power to call me everything derogatory in the book.

“Then came March, 2000. It was a Saturday night when he came back from the pub. I made certain that all the children were out of harm’s way, as usual, and braced myself to take my beating by having had several whiskies. I had found that to be an acceptable anaesthetic. He came in the house like a charging lion and came straight for me. He was fully engaged in knocking me around when suddenly he seemed to become disoriented and started bumping into things on his own. And then, he went crashing down, just like a lion brought down by a shotgun. And then, all was quiet. I could not believe what I was seeing.

“After a while I called for an ambulance. At the hospital I was told he had suffered a major stroke and that he would probably need to be institutionalised, as he would be virtually helpless. Although he would retain much of his mental faculties, his motor functions were kaput. I said that I would take him home to be with his family. We would cope somehow. If he could have heard those words he should have been terrified.

“The next four years were pay-back time, and I took every opportunity to extract my due, and that of my children from the beast. I say this without shame that he got what he had given, multiplied ten-fold. The children hated him and never let him forget it. I had come to regard him as the most evil man that walked the faced of the earth. The neighbours even said how much they enjoyed hearing him crying.

“I shall spare you the details because I am not proud of what we did. Indeed, you may ask how does what we did make us any better? Well, it didn’t make us any better, but hopefully, in his sick mind it made us his worst nightmare.

“Finally, in 2004 he had another killer stroke. We wanted him to live on to fully reap the whirlwind that he had created. One thing is very certain; that the countless times he said he was sorry was sincere. He was sorry he had been reduced to the helpless pathetic person he was; he was sorry he was no longer capable of harming his family; and he was sorry he was at our mercy. I will not believe that he was sorry to have been such a swine to us.

“We didn’t kill him, we only made him wish he was dead.”

The moral of the story is:

If you are an abuser, (male or female) remember you are only temporarily able-bodied to hurt the ones you are supposed to love and protect. While you have your health and strength, you would do better to build up credits with your family so that when you need to rely on them the support will be there, and it will be given without reservation and with love. If nothing else, you are getting older with every passing day. Old age itself brings less independence. In other words, be nice!





Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Violence in the Home (III)






I happened to run into a friend on the street, and we got to talking about what was happening in each other’s lives, as you do when you haven’t seen one another for some time.. Then we got into “For Men’s Eyes Only” and I was explaining the role I thought this column has to play and some of the topics that are being covered, such as “Violence in the Home”. He responded, “What about it?” Judging by the way a cloud came over his face and the tenor of his voice in asking the question, I quickly concluded that I had a hold of a live wire.

He wanted to challenge me, but by me insisting that I was only going to be the listener I came to gain an insight into the mind of this particular abuser. What follows are the opinions of this individual.

The Objective

It is all about respect. A man is the head of his family. In his own home he is to be treated as lord and master. All before him shall bow down and pay homage. His wife shall do her duty always and she must show deference in the way that she talks to him, and in the things that she says; in the way that she dresses for him, in the manner of her submission to him. She must even take care to affect the proper walk, showing a total lack of confidence and self-assurance.

To his children he is all. He is the fountain of all knowledge, and where he contradicts their teachers and other relatives, he is to be regarded as being right and correct. What takes place in his house is absolutely to be of no concern to any other person, including the authorities, or his church.

History

He was one of a family of thirteen children and the family environment was the same as that which he has chosen for his own family. In his father’s family the children were always deeply respectful of both parents, and his trouser belt was the enforcer. Someone always seemed to be receiving a flogging for something or the other, such was the strictness of the family regime. Whenever one of the children did something that displeased their mother, the most dreaded words she could say was, “just you wait until your father comes home!” The child would begin to cry from that moment, and usually it got worse the closer to the time when the father would be expected home.

Supporting Environment

The most important factor in the continuance of the abuse was the support of the family’s religious beliefs and the church to which they belonged. The Church elders always preached that the role of the husband and father was indisputable, no doubt reinforcing their own positions, and that the manner in which the man of the house saw fit to discipline his family was his concern alone.

He said that his wife once went home to her mother, saying that she could no longer take his treatment. Her mother, whom she had said she had witnessed taking a beating on many occasions, simply called in the head of the church and a couple of elders, and they prayed over her. Then they called her husband to come and take her back home. When he got her home he simply had to lay down the law with her.

Discipline

No week should be allowed to pass without all of the family receiving at least one visit with the strap, so as to ensure that no-one forgot, not even for a minute who was boss. This was especially so in case his wife had been watching Oprah Winfrey or some other person who would fill her head with nonsense. However, he insisted that in the case of all of the discipline that he dished out, it was done with a loving, considerate and velvet hand. It was God’s Will that the man be strong and reliable.

His personal relationship with his wife

He insisted that his wife loved him totally. She showed it in every thing that she did. She maintained the home according to his standard and never wavered by either doing more than was expected, nor falling short. When they were out in public she walked in the shadow of him, and she made sure that he would be proud. She never looked at another man.

Whenever he wanted her sexually she was always there for him to do his bidding.

Would he ever change, or could he accept that he might be wrong to treat human beings as though they were his personal slaves?

“No!”


Copyright (c) 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Women who Hit! How Crazy is That?



Let not the woman be the one to draw first blood! She can then be said to be the author of her own misfortune. (EwC)

I once tried to have a conversation with an administrator of a woman’s refuge group. I prefaced my remarks with the statement that I wanted to help because I have sisters and daughters, and I wouldn’t like it one bit if they were the victims of abuse.

I said that the fact that the woman’s group were tarring every man with the same brush made it difficult for me to come forward to try to be of assistance. Her response was to vent on me her vitriol and personal bias.

I was trying to say that by placing men in the position of always being the villains of the piece, devious women would take advantage of that. Life is never so simple where we can say that always one gender will be the victim, and the other the aggressor. Administrator of women's groups should know that, and if they don't they are adding to the problem.

The fact of the matter is that there are women who strike out at everybody in the house, including their husbands, and I believe that we are not talking about isolated incidents. I read of some accounts on the internet where men found themselves dealing with women like that, and not knowing how to handle the situation they went to a woman’s group for advice, and were simply not believed. They were treated as the enemy behind the lines.

When it’s the man who is the victim of an abusive female partner he is faced with an even greater problem than that faced by women. A strong woman can strike back even causing physical harm, and the chances are that he will not go to the police out of shame and embarrassment. But the minute he gets fed up and strikes her, the whole apparatus kicks into place and automatically condemns him as the abuser.

Men and women are protected under the same laws against assault and battery. Both sexes have a human right to be safe and secure in their own home. Men should be proactive and prosecute women abusers openly, and they need not feel embarrassed to do so. If he finds himself living with a crazy woman who will not get help, then by all means feed her into the judicial system. This is the only legal way that he can strike back at her. Anything else and he leaves himself wide open to have the tables turned on him.

Common sense tells us that there will likely be abusers of both genders, and that this is not a female-only problem. This is a family problem and it will take people of both sexes of good will to try and effectively deal with it.

Women can say do not hit me a million times to men, but the message is far more effective if it comes from a man who says, “Guys, it’s in our own best interest not to hit our woman. Once you hit her you lose all sympathy. Don’t do it!” Above all, don’t let her manipulate you into doing it, because once you have done so, she’s in complete control.”

There will be those women who will have an agenda that is in place from the time that they meet a particular man, and part of the plan is to set him up for the fall. She will depend on his cooperation by getting him to strike her. If he refuses to fall into the trap, then he should beware, she may actually get someone else to deliberately beat her up so that she can blame it on him. It’s important to watch for such signs of determination.

Going back to the administrator of the woman’s group, I have some empathy with her because everyday she will have to deal with women victims of male abuse. However, I expect a professional to have training and an open mind, because often things are not what they seem.

Lately, there is growing violence that is committed lesbian against lesbian. Hopefully it is beginning to sink in that the perpetrator can be of either gender.

My main concern is, when men are placed in a corner and automatically labelled as the villain, there may be an over-reaction if he does lash out due to provocation. If he knows that his whole future is lost because of that one incident he may decide “in for a penny, in for a pound!” That would be the worst scenario of all.

I would like to think that with education these types of problems will be greatly reduced. However, they will never be entirely eliminated as long as masochists are attracted to sadists.

Would you like to add to this topic. E-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Men who Hit. Why?












If you are a person who beats your wife, inflicting upon her bruising, swelling, cuts and even broken bones, can you reasonably expect the public to embrace you with respect and honour, and to sympathise with you, no matter what was your motivation or provocation?

So, you’re an abuser. You beat your wife and children and the dog on a regular basis. You’re one angry dude, that much is apparent, but why? You must know that is not considered normal behaviour. You must know that when the truth becomes known among your circle you are despised and ostracized by men and women alike.

Often, after an incident you apologise and ask for forgiveness, so you know it’s wrong, yet you continue on with a sustained campaign of terror that is second to none. No-one other than you knows what you get out of it, and only you know how cold your heart can be to inflict such pain and suffering on the very people you are supposed to love and protect. What drives you? Where does the hate come from, and just as important what sustains it? Are you an abnormal monster?

Do you really believe that by smashing your wife’s face in that you are being a man? I certainly hope not! No man has ever gained in stature and popularity by beating up women and children.

This column cannot, and it will never condone such wilful and bestial behaviour. Perhaps if we can understand the forces at work that push you to do the things that you do, help can be sought to bring peace to you and your family. For instance, I have talked to someone like you. In this case the man volunteered that he and his wife were sick and in need of serious counselling.

Case history No. 1
Violence for Sex

A neighbour of a couple who fought regularly brought them to my attention. The neighbour was so affected by their behaviour that he sought counselling for himself and his own family. I was introduced to the couple and they received me most graciously. We had a normal-type interview and they were not reluctant to discuss the situation, although both insisted that their private lives were in reality nobody’s business.

They had been married for just over twenty-five years but they did not have any children. They had found that they would go through what they described as “dry patches” in their marriage when they had nothing to say to each other, and life was boring in the extreme. Early in their marriage when they were going through such a period one person upset the other and a bit of pushing and shoving took place, but afterwards, they made up by making love. The love-making was exciting, not the boring auto-pilot stuff. Since then, when they feel the need to spice things up either one will push the other’s buttons and things get a little rowdy. They live for the part that follows.

The police have given up on them. He has been taken off to prison so many times, and she always comes after him. She never presses charges, no matter how badly beat up she is because half the time she started it and wanted it. The social services, the police, and the neighbours all agree that one day it will go too far and one of them will not rise to fight again. When I put this point to them, surprisingly, they acknowledged that most likely it will happen. And then he said this: “I love my wife unlike I could ever love another, and if that day should come when I strike her too hard, I will follow her to the grave, there and then.” She said, “the same goes for me.”

This is a case of extreme violence in the home where things get broken; the combatants get bruised and battered, the neighbours are distraught and everybody else is frustrated. Although the violence is there, and this guy is like you in that he does hit, perhaps his motivation is different.

Seemingly there is a mean element that is present in your motivation that is missing in theirs. I want to hear your story. I want to know your background, and I want to know whether you are truly troubled by the results of your behaviour.

There is even an incentive in stopping the violence that is in your own interest. Every day you grow older, and the time will probably come when you will desperately need the very people whom you treat so brutally. Remember also, what goes around, comes around. That is otherwise known as Karma.

Send me an e-mail at eugene.spain@gmail.com and let us discuss it. I will know your identity from the e-mail address, but I will not disclose that information to another soul.



Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael