List of Previous Titles

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Communicating-Part Six



Handling Information


Between partners the first rule of thumb should be “Give and Take.” It is also the first rule to be broken if we take our own positions too strongly. When that happens we get into the principle of the thing, forgetting that principles come at a very high price. The tricky balance is to give in on the issue when the balance shifts even slightly against the position that you hold.

Having once learned and mastered the art of active listening you will become a very popular person, as people will want to bring their problems to you. What do you do with all the information that you acquire? It seems to me that the absolute essential is that you maintain the information entrusted to you in complete confidence. It must not be shared with anyone as once it passes to another it is out of your control.

Men have the greatest problems with what to do with the information they receive from their female partners. We feel compelled to offer our suggestions to resolve the problems, but our ladies often only want our empathy. We are not allowed to do anything else while receiving this information. We have to put aside the newspaper, turn off the tv or the stereo and pay attention to what is being said. We can make encouraging remarks, and best of all we can offer our partners hugs, but solutions are the province of our mate. She can figure out what needs to be done even more effectively than we can.

The topic of appropriate handling of confidential information fills many volumes. It is surprising how many institutions fail in their duty to protect confidential information entrusted to them. I recall several years ago boxes of banking records were found on an open trash dump. To embarrass the culprits an advert was placed in a local paper listing the names of the people affected who were invited to call in at an office to collect their personal information. To say that someone’s head rolled for that is an understatement.

Data protection is a serious business and in most countries is covered by legislation. It is a well-known fact that information between doctors and patients; lawyers and clients; and certain other professionals is absolutely protected. In other situations, private information is considered so important that people will go to prison to protect their sources.

Where there is an absence of law there will be ethical considerations. Information shared with you in confidence should not be passed to a third person under any circumstances. Unfortunately, all too often such confidential information makes its way in the form of gossip. No matter how natural a thing it is for humans to do, gossiping is one of the worst forms of communications, and it is engaged in equally by men and women.

Curiously, if you decide that you don’t want to further a particular thread and you try to track the particular bit of gossip back to its source, someone will stonewall you. The need to protect their source of the information becomes paramount. However, if people will talk about others behind their backs to you, they will also happily talk about you to others. Stop Gossip Now!

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Communicating-Part Five -Listening




We are born with two ears but only one mouth. Coincidence?

Just how important are listening skills to effective communicating? There are some who maintain that effective listening requires the larger share of listening and talking. All too often we open our mouths to speak to our companion in spite of the fact that we really did not hear what was just said to us. We are so busy in formulating our own thoughts that the other person’s speech is drowned out. In such cases we are talking at one another instead of with each other.

The main problem is that men and women speak in separate dialects, as someone put it. In fact, I have heard the word genderlect to describe how wide the divide between the genders really is. That being the case the ability to actively listen is critical to understanding what the other person is saying. Think of the popular image of having a session with a psychologist where you lie on a couch while the professional sits behind you. As you talk he, or she repeats what you say and asks you how you feel, rather than imposing their own opinion.

I know people who are really good at the active listening thing. Usually they are very calm and they get you to do most of the talking. To be honest I find them to be a little bit irritating, but the fact is that often I realise that they are helpful.

Those people who are the most helpful seem to have the following attributes in common:

They actually look at me when I am speaking, and they make eye contact with me. This is a little disconcerting because it makes me realise that here is a person who is interested enough to hear my every word, so therefore I should not be wasting his time with nonsense.
They will actually allow me to complete my thought process. Sometimes I have trouble in completing my sentence and they help me find the words. This is the complete opposite of those annoying television or radio hosts who seem to invite guests on their programmes just so that the host gets to inflict his own opinions, often cutting off in mid-sentence the words of the guest. I just hate that when it happens, and it is a sure way to get me to switch off. I want to yell at the tv “you idiot, let your guest finish. I didn’t tune in for your opinion.”
The other thing that I like is their choice of words as I am speaking. It’s not something that I have thought much about until now, but techniques like repeating a sentence or a thought to be sure I have been understood is reassuring, as is to say things like “Really! Tell me more.”
There is nothing more deflating than to be talking to a person who is receiving you like a stone wall. That’s called talking to yourself. However, if the person to whom you are speaking has the time and the interest to care and displays this in his body language, such as through your facial reactions, you will be encouraged, and I believe, the responsibility grows to keep your presentation and your thoughts brief and interesting. When I am trying to be a good listener I find that when the speaker has finished his thread I often have a feeling of being tired.
Finally, we are bombarded daily with information overload, and to cope we need to learn to block out the unnecessary. Unfortunately, a lot of information that we should let through also gets blocked as the screening process is difficult. Just as with our computers we receive a lot of spam, so do our ears and eyes. Driving is made all that more difficult because people think they can sell us things by using billboards, as though we don’t have enough to read with all the traffic signs.

Being a good listener is definitely an acquired skill, one which is very much appreciated. The other half of being a good listener, of course, is what do you do with all that information you have just taken on board. This is where most people come off the railings.

Next week I will look at how you might best be helpful in your feedback.


Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

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Sunday, August 17, 2008

Communicating - Part Four








Men and Women



InterFaith, InterCultural, InterRacial




Communication-wise, as good as it potentially gets between men and women goes something like this: Future partners grow up in the same neighbourhood, go to the same schools, share the same faith, are of the same ethnic group, and even share the same political beliefs. However, even within these groupings the divorce rate is significant. That is because, as Dr. John Gray says, men and women quite naturally come from different planets, or so it seems.

That being the case it will be seen that as we move away from the ideal benchmark things become more complicated the farther afield we go.

So, you’re an American man and you have fallen hopelessly in love with the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen who comes from India. What do you know about the Caste system that she has grown up in?

What if you’re an English woman and you’ve met the most charming man from Afghanistan and you’ve fallen head over heels for him. What of his cultural and religious beliefs? Have you any knowledge of the complicated and deeply held customs that form the society that is Afghanistan?

Even countries that are neighbours have important different attitudes about life. America and Canada, or England and Wales, or Scotland are as close as it gets but there are enough differences to cause great difficulties between mixed couples who are trying to live intimate lives. Just as men and women are supposed to be different, so are people from separate countries. That is the challenge that the human race are set. The objective is to succeed in spite of the difficulties.

The completely peculiar thing is that when we enter into relations that will complicate our lives beyond measure we do so without giving it much thought. Love is a comedian. It just pulls down the curtain on all logic and before we know it we are faced with an immense task of surmounting all obstacles to reach a state of contentment, also known as happiness.

A relationship between the girl or boy next door is usually without the basic elements that exist as standard when crossing cultural and other barriers, such as fear of the unknown and uncertainty, misunderstanding, sense of loss and confusion, ignorance of the other culture and the minefield of disasters that imposes. On the plus side a relationship where both partners have a lot to learn about each other is one less likely to end due to boredom, but there will be a lot of work involved.

If love were not so unpredictable and if cupid didn’t have such a sense of humour we could be scientific when going about our quest to find a mate who was a bit different. For instance, almost all countries have at one time or another been colonised. If those in the mother country so wanted they could make their choice from among the colonies, or vice versa. At least the culture of the mother country would be shared leaving only the indigenous culture to be understood and integrated.

I have read testimonies from couples who are living very complex lives that involve interfaith, or intercultural, or interracial elements, or all three, and they sometimes even stand on opposite sides of the political divide. They swear that they cope, and that they don’t see their lives any more challenging than any one else’s, but I do wonder about the long-term accuracy of that statement. One person is bound to be the stronger personality of the two, and that is the culture that will be dominant.

Having said all that, I personally celebrate diversity, tolerance, understanding and the pursuit of knowledge, and I encourage those who simply follow their hearts wherever it may lead. The Master Architect designed the world in which we live with built-in obstacles to maintain our interest. For some they will rise above and go on to the ultimate level. Others will find their own levels and there they will be happy.

For that is the way it has been preordained, and you don’t have to be religious to believe.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Communicating- Part Three


Between Men & Women


Why do men insist on reading while sitting on the WC?
Because that’s the only place we get the peace and quiet to read to our heart’s content. Some men aren’t even subtle. They have installed a magazine rack in the bathroom. Were it not for reading in the toilet, perhaps we wouldn’t read at all.

Now, having dealt with that great mystery, we move on to look closely at the great divide between how men and women see things so differently.

Fundamentally, men do not do subtle. Ladies, if you want us to know something, just tell us straight out. If you want us to do something, tell us plain and simple. Please don’t hint. If we are driving and you want to stop for coffee, just say so. If you ask me whether I want one I just might say no and keep on driving.

Men are creatures designed to cut to the chase. We understand solutions, but we don’t particularly understand feelings about things. We have enough of a problem understanding this thing called love. About the worst trap you can place us in is the question about how you look in a dress. Most men get that one wrong, and that is usually just as you’re about to go out for the evening.

So! Men, here’s how to handle such questions. You might want to jot this lifesaver down for future use. No matter how she puts the question the answer is : Honey, that dress looks really good on you.” Not, and I repeat NOT: “ Honey, you look good in that dress.” One thing says that she makes the dress look good; the other says that the dress makes her look good. See the difference?

That comes directly from the wisdom of my lady, and she knows semantics. Trust her!

The essential difference between men and women seems to be that men give and want information, and women give and want feelings. One of the worst case scenarios happens in the bedroom. He wants to know whether they are going to get an action going, and she says maybe. Well, we don’t do maybe. We have no idea what to do with maybe.

One of my golden rules is that I never argue with a lady. The man has not been born yet who actually won an argument with a lady. One of their techniques is to bring up things that we have no chance of remembering. Anyway, the two of you will be speaking in different tongues and possibly very heatedly and emotionally, so, advantage goes to the ladies. Even if you do manage to pin her down and back her into a corner where she runs out of firepower she will always have one piece of backup ammunition in reserve, and it is this: She can always say, “Well, whatever!” In women speak, that means, “ Mister, you’re dead meat. Don’t ever speak to me again.” So, you see, you can’t win. It’s preordained that way.

I’m not saying that you can’t put your point of view forward, just don’t rely on convincing her that you’re right, especially if you’re wrong. It will be quite enough to state your case and then leave it with her.

There are some situations that leave a man completely dazed A friend’s wife had been through difficult surgery and was worried about possible scarring. He urged her not to worry as she had the option of plastic surgery. She suddenly turned on him angrily saying it was too bad that he would be upset by the way she looked. He was only trying to be helpful but somehow she saw his response in a very different light. How on earth do we cope with that?

Dr. John Gray, writing in “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” deals with one of the most obvious, and perhaps most vexing problems in inter- gender relations. When she sees his mood darken she will ask, “What’s the matter?” He will invariably answer, “Nothing!” Clearly there is something quite wrong, and she wants to be a help. But he gives her a response that makes her feel stupid and insulted, and so the problem escalates.

The way that Dr. Gray puts it is that we men take our problems into our caves to deal with them alone. When we respond that nothing is wrong, what we are saying in fact is that there is nothing that I wish your help with. I have personally struggled with this, in that it even sounds dopey to me as I say there’s nothing wrong. After all, I know that there’s plenty wrong

Unfortunately it’s not as simple as explaining that I would like to have some space and time to think things through.. Most women will be convinced that they can genuinely help and are likely to press you to open up. His reaction will be “Go away!” So, my advice is to leave him with it until he is ready to talk about it, and he will. Just give him time to think things through. If you’re the source of his problem he needs time to think how best to raise the issue with you.

I will continue with this thread in my next instalment.


Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Communicating-Part Two






Communications
Part Two
Men and Women

The Great Architect seems to have deliberately designed the world to include the different languages as a challenge for humans. It’s simply a geographical accident of birth that will determine the language that you speak as your native tongue.

With that beginning a child is surrounded by his tribe, and he will know his tribe anywhere in the world just by the words spoken. If no-one bothered to learn another language we would be stuck in our tribal lands forever.

Perhaps one of the most ambitious projects to try and overcome the language barrier is the European Airbus. As an experiment in communicating it’s about as bold as it gets. The object was to build an airplane that would actually fly safely as a cooperative endeavour between several nations. Primarily it involved an agreement between Germany, France, Britain, and Spain. It employed 57,000 people working over 16 sites, and ultimately extended participation to the U.S, Holland, Japan and China.

France made the cockpit, flight control and lower middle section of the fuselage.
Britain made the wings and provided the Rolls Royce engines.
Germany made the forward and rear fuselage, and the upper centre fuselage.
Holland made the flaps and spoilers.
Spain made the horizontal tail plane.

Even if there was one common language, say French or English, given that so many people would not be totally proficient because it was not their mother tongue, there would be a lot of room for misunderstanding. In spite of that the airplane does fly and is rated safe. I consider that to be an absolutely amazing success story.

So, in the light of such an outstanding achievement why then do men and women have so much trouble in understanding one another. The popular book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” points out the very large divide between the two sexes. Most men will likely have had the experience of explaining our thinking on some subject to the women in our lives, only to have had it replayed back to us as something completely different. Supposedly we are speaking the same language, but somehow what comes from our mouths is not what enters the female ear.

Not that this is a one-way problem. Men suffer from the very same thing with the added complication that we’re supposed to only listen and not insert our own annoying solutions. Nor can we read the newspaper or watch tv while listening.

The standard joke goes something like this:

She: Darling, did you realise that today marks the six-month anniversary of our relationship?
He: Really! Six months already!
He thinks: Time for me to take the car in for its six month’s service. He then trains his thoughts on what has to be done for the car, while she is thinking romantic thoughts about the past six months, and the future.

Problem is, this is no joke. The divide between the genders is so wide it’s just an everyday miracle that we are able to achieve anything at all. Supposedly we want the same things from life. Love, security, family, respect, comfort, prestige, friends, community, money. Acquiring those things is where the problems are to be found. As someone said, the devil is in the details.

Most men probably find themselves in hot water with their women through quite inadvertent actions. We don’t deliberately set out to annoy our women, unless we enjoy that sort of thing, in which case we should run, not walk to have our heads examined. We try to please our women and to ensure peace in the family, but no matter how hard we try we are committed to get it wrong.

I once heard a woman friend describe her man as being perfect. I should have had her explain in detail what that meant.

In the next instalment I shall present some classic misunderstandings between the genders.



Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael