List of Previous Titles

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Breaking the Circle of Violence in the Home










Don’t Provoke! -Don’t Hit!

What happens between the time of the wedding when everybody is full of smiles, and later when the police are called? What could possibly go so wrong? This is the question of the ages. The only thing that I can conclude for certain is that both partners are responsible for the success and happiness of their marriage, and both are responsible for the downfall and failure. Only the two partners, or combatants, can really know the full story, and even they will most likely be bewildered.

A person’s judgement as to their choice of partner is the major factor. So, where the “injured” party contends that they have done everything by the book to make a go of it, perhaps their only contribution to the disaster was simply their choice of partner.

In the event of forced marriages there should be no surprise when later things turn sour. There are so many stories of the bride or groom who change their minds on the wedding day, but who are forced to go through with it for their family to save face. (Not to mention that there are all those sandwiches already made). There is clearly a need for enlightenment to allow for the whole thing to be called off, even at such a late date. After all, the alternative is a known quantity, and a very sad statistic.

My advice to my fellow men is not to hit their wife/significant other, because the only thing that the public gets to see are the bruises. If there was provocation, we don’t get to see that. You might have been the long- suffering, hen-pecked to death, quiet gentleman. But when the going gets too tough, go out for a pack of cigarettes, whether you smoke or not. If it is a case of someone else trying to get you to ruin your life, do not cooperate! Just take the pain like a man, because our culture has arrived at the point where we have zero tolerance for the wife-beater.

Well, do men hate women? If so, in those cases that can be so described as such, where does such hatred come from? Let’s look at some extreme examples.

Case No. 1.

As a young boy, Stanley, (not his real name) was witness to a row between his mother and father where his mother told his father, (who Stanley adored) to get out of the house (that his father built with his own hands) for reasons that were never made clear. Thereafter, as his mother tried to stabilize her life Stanley had to endure a parade of “uncles” going in and out of his house. So Stanley grew up with a gigantic chip on his shoulder that he was never able to confront his mother over. But he developed a suspicion of all women, and mostly he was angry with women because if his mother behaved in that manner, surely all women were like that.

So, in his dealing with women he holds a lot of pent-up anger and hostility. He is likely to be the one to get drunk on a Saturday night and explode at home over the slightest triviality. Stanley needs major and urgent help!

Case No. 2.

Albert, (not his real name) is a conservative and shy person. He is a hard worker, a pillar of the community, very naïve in many ways, but a real family man. What he needs to round out his life is the love of a good woman, but unfortunately Albert is a bad judge of character. Consequently he doesn’t see the cunning, scheming Jezebel coming for him. She sees him as an easy mark to rip off. They marry and after a suitable “honeymoon” period she proceeds to turn his life upside down through provocation, goading him to hit her so that she could fire up her planned program, called “Operation Strip-him-clean”. When he finally hit her in the blind rage that she authored he stood to lose everything. His job, civic standing, reputation, money, house, his whole way of life. She stood to gain it all, which was the very objective. This is where it becomes very dangerous because some men might reason that since they were ruined anyway, what do they have to lose. “In for a penny, in for a pound”. What could happen next is likely to be serious mayhem.

Violence in the home is not just men against women. I am concerned about all forms, such as:
- women to men; there are many women who are violent aggressors. These people might have borne witness to maltreatment of their mothers by their fathers.
- women to women, in the case of lesbian couples;
- men to men, in the case of homosexual couples. In both these scenarios the couples might even be legally married.
- Siblings to siblings. Children need to be taught early about anger management.
- Parents against children. When does a physical response cross the line from discipline and become abuse?
- Children against parents. This might otherwise be called Elder abuse. A recent example was the case of a daughter who took her 92 year-old mother into the city and left her holding on to a railing at the side of the road, allegedly quite deliberately, and never to return.
- And then there is care-giver abuse of children or the very elderly.

Violence in the home in many cases has to be unlearned. It can be the result of custom: abused as a child, abuser as an adult. (Hence the circle of violence.) The saddest sight is that of a man beating his son when the son is just like his dad. I say the man should simply go beat himself up.

In summary, to those people who quite rightly call for the cessation of violence against women, I agree, but I ask how soon do we start the process? To everybody else I suggest a one-size fits all approach. That is, Don’t Provoke! Don’t Hit! I repeat, Don’t Provoke! Don’t Hit! Try anger management instead. Admittedly it will not be easy, but we cannot go through life beating up everybody. A simple, unisex, easy-to-live by, very easy slogan to remember: Don’t Provoke! Don’t Hit!

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Domestic Violence

Actors/models pictured



Domestic Violence
(Violence in the Home)

Firstly, I want to re-title this as “Violence in the Home” as I believe that the title “Domestic Violence” is trivialised as being of less importance than violence in the street

It is the topic that no-one dares to mention around the cocktail circuit, nor in the office at the water cooler. On those odd occasions when courageous folk do bring it out into the light it is discussed in hushed tones.

With this title we begin a series on this important topic. I have collected ample anecdotal evidence from the female victims of violence in the home. I need to hear from male victims, and from elders who are abused. It would also be especially helpful to hear from abusers themselves, male and female.

When we think of violence in the home the common assumption is that of men-against-women. The male has been made out to be the automatic villain of the piece. Life is just not that simple, is it?

Let me start this discussion by stating that I am in favour of the elimination of all forms of violence in the home. That means men against women; women against women; men against men; (modern forms of marriage), children against children; parents against children; children against parents; (elder abuse); and everybody against the animals. The formula to follow to maintain such a desirable state of non-violence is simple: DO NOT PROVOKE / DO NOT HIT! This is a uni-sex formula and works separately and together.

DO NOT PROVOKE! This means, if you know that there is something that someone else does not like, something that upsets that person greatly, avoid pushing that particular button. (You would only do so if you really want to start trouble.)

DO NOT HIT! Someone has pushed your button, the one that sends you up like a rocket. Do Not Hit! Perhaps you are just having a bad hair day and someone has said or done something inadvertently or deliberately to upset you. Keep your hands to yourself. Go take a walk to calm down. Just think that if you were at the office would you lash out and slug your boss or a co-worker. Of course you wouldn’t. You would most probably lose your job. So, what makes you think its O.K. to hit your family? (This question is addressed to either a man or a woman.)

This simplistic formula does not even begin to tackle the causes of violence in the home. The issues are most likely vast and complex, but the bottom line to a domestic violence-free zone is to live life observing those two principles. No matter which way we twist and turn the formula it all comes back to those same six little words.

When it occurs, violence against women in Spain is truly awful. Women are thrown from balconies, stabbed to death, thrown down several flights of stairs. They are beaten within an inch of their lives and made to suffer injuries more grave than a heavyweight boxer can inflict.

What is going on here? Some say that the problem is that we are seeing Spain in transition. Macho Spanish man finds himself being challenged by historically, usually compliant women. His status as El Jefe, (the boss) is threatened and he is bewildered and confused. It is a thing of honour. No woman may speak to a man like that! Let me hasten to add that the perpetrators of all this violence are people of many nationalities.

Men! We simply cannot go around punching every person who disagrees with us. This is a statement of the obvious. I personally think the problem begins the moment two people form a relationship. That’s when the power game starts. One of those two people will want to be dominant. It is human nature. What happens next will severely test the personal skills of both individuals to cope, although more than likely only one person becomes the relationship saviour by steering them through the rough passages. The other is blissfully unaware. Life is about give and take. The delicacy of the dance is about knowing when to give, and when it’s your turn to take.

This scratches the surface of this thorny subject. With your help, let’s see if we can get into causes and effects, and suggested ways to deal our way around the problems without resorting to violence and abuse, both physical and mental. This is not meant to be a substitute for professional counselling. This is all about the collected wisdom in our opinions.

E-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com I would love to hear from you!




Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, December 16, 2007

What do Men Want?







How many men would say that they have exactly the life that they want?

So many men are in the position where they hold dead-end jobs that they hate, and they go home to frigid wives who could hardly care less about their needs or desires; and they have children who are disrespectful and who hate them simply because they are authority figures. Pity the poor man who has this kind of package.

On top of all that are the financial obligations that the poor guy is saddled with. A variable mortgage on a home that he could be required to leave if his wife decides that is in her own best interests, and the usual mountain of debt that most men face. At some point in time such men in these circumstances pause, take a deep breath and ask themselves how in the world did I end up in this trap?

There was a time when it all seemed to be such a good idea. He was in love with his beautiful girl, and all he wanted to do was spend the rest of his life with her. He wanted to live happily ever after. But things went wrong somewhere along the way. Neither he nor his wife is quite certain where or when, but it has led to this very uncomfortable place.

Now what?

He only did the right and honourable thing. After a suitable period of courtship their love led them to the next level, and he went willingly. When it came time to “church” her he did so gladly because it was so natural. All of his and her family expected it. If he had other ideas the attitude of both families would certainly have turned frosty toward him. He would have been an embarrassment to his own family, and would have soon faced the inevitable question from hers, “what are your intentions, young man?”

Such is tradition and custom in Western societies that we go through life as though we are objects drawn by magnets. We are drawn together, and then together we are drawn into the well-trod path of marriage and children and mortgage, and alas, divorce.

What is the driving force? In one word it is Love! The need to feel the real and genuine love of another human being that is manifested through support and encouragement from that one special person from whom those attributes mean everything. It simply is not possible to gain the depth of satisfaction necessary that we are all seeking from any other source.

Some people actually attain this level of success in their lives, and they seem to maintain it throughout. How do they manage to do so? I think that first it takes two people who are very determined and mature about what they want. They must surely have talked things through at the beginning so that there was no room for misunderstanding.

There must also be some extra glue that keeps it all together, and I think that this must be a mutual belief that contains a system of rules and guidelines, and a promised reward in the end. I am probably speaking of a religious faith to keep the partners on the straight and narrow. Especially in these times of liberal thought, couples need to gather their strength from somewhere.

So, enter Family Man! As he stops to take a snapshot of his life, he smiles in appreciation because he considers that he has it all. He has been married thirty years to the same woman, and they are happier today than when it all started. Their two children are well into their twenties and they are doing just fine.

The relationship between he and his wife is rock solid. He can see that a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman, but she has nothing that he needs because, in so far as he is concerned he already has the most beautiful woman in the world.

They have worked hard together to build a life. Perhaps they own their own home and they have a couple of cars, and most of the comforts of living in a modern society. He may love his job, or perhaps it’s only just a means to an end. If he gets no real satisfaction there he makes up for it by being involved in community and/or charity work.

This is a man fulfilled because all that he wants is to be appreciated by his neighbours and loved and respected by his family, the same family upon whom he gives of his own time and respect and love.

If you are such a man, you do indeed, have it all.



Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, December 9, 2007

A Question of Integrity!











Integrity: moral uprightness; honesty; wholeness; soundness.


In God’s view, human beings are simply one of many species placed on earth as part of the Big Picture. We are driven in large measure by instinct, as are the other species, however; we tend to think that as human beings we are at the top of the chain. That we have Dominion over all things. We think we are superior over all in the animal and plant kingdom because we have the power to reason, and we have the triad of intellect, integrity, and morality to guide us.

I’m not so certain that we are entitled to our lofty assessment of ourselves, especially when we take a close look at many in the animal kingdom. In their world the worst of human behaviour is non-existent, and much of our best is even better represented.

I want to focus on this question of the conduct of male behaviour in the context of morality and integrity because this is one area where we need a lot of help. As an example, let’s say that the girl is angry with her boyfriend or husband, so to get back at him she uses his brother by offering her body to him. The amazing thing is that in probably the majority of these examples he will accept.

Where is his sense of integrity? How is he able to so easily set aside his moral sense? Of course it’s wrong! He knows it’s wrong, so why not just say no and walk away in disgust?

I have a theory when it comes to establishing a criteria to govern whom I may, or may not sleep with: If I allow a man to call me his friend, under no circumstances would I even consider making a move on his woman. Certainly, any man to whom I am blood related as brother, cousin, or uncle, puts his woman off-limits, even if they have split up.

If your woman is beautiful, charming, alluring and seductive, I can recognize all those things, but my sense of integrity and morality tell me to stay away. I owe the man, who I call my friend a debt of honour, and the momentary enjoyment I might get from being intimate with his woman is simply not enough to soothe my conscience. I have to live with that for life.

I’m not saying that it is easy to make such decisions when you have a woman saying “come hither big boy, I’m yours!” But integrity is at its best when under pressure. We get our sense of self-esteem when we are put to the test and we pass. We can dine out on stories of the time when the temptation was so great, but we successfully resisted. We tell no one if we caved in to it.

How important is self-esteem? That’s the element in our lives from which we decide whether we like ourselves the way we are, or whether we feel that we don’t deserve happiness and respect. There are many among us who lead double lives. On the one hand they hold themselves out as paragons of virtue while at the same time hiding a very shadowy other life. Such people are set up for a fall when the truth comes out. They must surely know that the day will come.

Having said all the above, there is one circumstance that counts sort of as the exception to the rule and which affects far more people than might be expected. That is the situation where one half of a couple finds that their basic, fundamental human needs are not being met by their partner over a significant period of time, either out of hostility, apathy, or physical inability, and the future holds no promise that things will improve. Normally, this could be an end-of-the-road scenario.

But what if it’s not possible for the injured party to walk away? The choices are (a) Stay, sacrifice and suffer in silence while life passes by; (b) Leave anyway, and hang the consequences; (c) demand from the partner at fault permission to meet your needs, by any means possible. Simply put, the partner at fault gives that permission by not holding up their end of the bargain anyway, as it is unreasonable to expect anything else.

As for the injured party, they exhibit a high degree of integrity by staying, when they should go in pursuit of personal happiness.

There is a growing trend among couples to find a solution within the home. Rather than simply throwing away all that they have built up, through understanding and love they work to hold it together. The formula allows for the person in need to receive the attention that is missing from their life. The personal ads show several invitations from couples looking for a man or a woman to come into their home to be a part of the family.

This is a brave new world within which we live, but if we can be as mature as this to solve our problems, we need have no worries about our integrity.


Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Sunday, December 2, 2007

How Nice to Meet You! (Part Two)









It is as natural as night follows day that when we meet someone for the first time, especially in a social setting, we make every effort to put our best foot forward. I want your first impression of me to be favourable. In perhaps most cases we present someone who is not really ourselves. Sometimes, the real person whom we are is not allowed to come through until much later. It really all depends on the agenda.

In ridiculous situations, when meeting through the Internet, the two people who have agreed to meet face to face, although armed with their internet descriptions can only recognize each other by the particular clothing that they said they would be wearing.

He said that he was six feet tall and muscular with a full head of hair. He is really 5 foot six, balding with a paunch, and bowed legs. She said that she was blonde, just a little over her ideal weight, and she thought she could reasonably claim to be quite good looking. Well, he could see right away that her blonde hair was not quite properly positioned, and he wondered what she considered her ideal weight.

These are the obvious lies, and while not a good start, at worst they should create mistrust. Without trust, can there be anything substantial and reliable? That is building the house on a foundation of sand.

The thing that is so wrong with so many relationships today is that the person we thought we married turns out to be someone else completely different. When I married my wife in England, being a foreigner I was quizzed by the Registrar who was trying to determine whether this was a marriage of convenience between a foreigner and an Englishwoman. Did I really know her? My response was: “Do any of the people who come in here know each other, and if so, how come some time later they end up asking, who the hell are you?

It will never happen this way, but what if he said to her as part of the getting acquainted stage: “ I am basically looking for a woman who will take over pampering me as my mother did. When I lived at home I never helped with the housework, and my clothes were always ready for me to put on. My mother never seemed to mind when I just dumped them in a corner to be washed, and I don’t expect you to mind either. Here’s a list of all of my favourite foods and when I expect to have them.

I also fully intend to have evenings away from home with me mates, and I don’t expect you to give me grief about it. I may drink a bit too much at times, but boys will be boys, right?”

She could then state that to take her on means high maintenance. She fully expects a couple of holidays abroad each year, and she can’t help being a spendthrift. The dishes may pile up a bit because of her nails, and she considers it absolutely essential that her hair be perfect at all times. And, oh! The sex thing. You can expect the frequency of such encounters to fall off quite quickly.

Perhaps I’m exaggerating and things are not so dire after all. But the point I think is still valid. Honesty is the best policy, and in the getting acquainted stage couples need to talk openly and frankly about their hopes and wishes and needs and wants, and particularly their expectations of each other.

Most people will tell you that if they knew then what they know now they certainly would not have advanced into a marriage, at least not with one another. That’s so sad, and sadder still is the fact that it happens all the time. So many tragedies can be prevented by not entering into them in the first place. If only we knew what we needed to know at the time.

So, to give your new relationship a real fighting chance, if you want it to last you’ll have to be completely forthcoming from the start. You each have to ask yourselves “what does the other person have a right to know about me?” If you have nothing to hide, then hide nothing. Start off building trust, the fuel that drives the relationship. Without trust, you’re running on empty. If what you have to tell is too hot to handle for the other person then you have no basis for a relationship, and that is better to discover at the start.


Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael