If you and your wife have come to that painful place where you have agreed to part, I suggest you read this now .
Hopefully you will not have as yet each engaged a lawyer. If you have, I suggest that you both need to bind both lawyers hands and feet, and place a gag over their mouths, then lock them in a room, back to back while the two of you hunt for a way forward. The lawyers won’t mind me suggesting this because I do so with affection, but the fact is that once the lawyers get involved things just get impossibly complicated.
I don’t blame the lawyers: You both will give them their instructions and they will do the best for each of you individually. That’s their job. They cannot make the kinds of decisions that involve your history and they don’t know the kinds of details that even you have both forgotten for the time being.
The title I have given this is not meant to be facetious or even funny because I recognize that there is absolutely nothing funny about what you are going through. You have entered into a hell without comparison, and your challenge is to get through it by at least preserving your sanity.
The essential factor that is missing at this stage is goodwill. With goodwill many things can be achieved that otherwise will be impossible. Where does one find goodwill at a time like this? The source is usually there, but it lies under a heavy load of disappointment and ill-will. Chances are that you are both confused about what went wrong and exactly when. The tendency is to blame the other person, and once this is done it is writ in stone.
For those of us on the outside, the only thing that we can conclude about your marriage on the rocks is that you are both responsible. Let me repeat that. A marriage that is successful is the credit of both partners who have found the formula that works for them, and they use that formula to best advantage. No-one else may take the credit. When the marriage breaks down the failure is the responsibility of both partners. No-one else may be made to take the blame.
Certainly, in both cases outside influences can be a factor, but at the heart of the matter, only the two people directly involved bear the core responsibility. If you will accept that premise, at least for the moment, then we can move on to the next step.
If you both share responsibility for the impasse in which you find yourselves, then the way forward is also your responsibility, and only you can find the path that best suits you. Unless you find that little bit of goodwill that will allow give and take, no one is going to go anywhere. The only people to benefit will be the lawyers as the number of billable hours continue to climb.
Where there are children involved, while this can be the most complicating factor it can also be the place to first look for goodwill. Presumably you are proud of your children, and you love them as they are your own flesh and blood. Your children are the result of a successful collaboration and you have each other to thank for that. You share that unique accomplishment between you, and it would not have turned out thus with any other combination.
Without goodwill, she will be wholly focused on cutting off your family jewels and you will not be able to think of anything else other than defending them. Goodwill provides some elbow-room. Goodwill accepts that what once was is now dead in the water and there will be life afterwards for you both, but only if you survive this ordeal.
Here are a couple of things to keep in mind. Really, they are mistakes to avoid like a swarm of angry bees:
- The only interest the courts have as to who did what that caused the marriage to collapse is to be convinced that the break is final. The court is not going to punish either party for their failure or contribution, no matter how much you might want it to. That’s the role of a different kind of court. (Maybe!)
- Principle costs lots of money. Whomever gets stuck on the principle of the thing sinks the ship. People prolong the whole process over who gets the dog or the CD collection. Some things need a simple flip of a coin to decide.
- It’s not about you, or her. It’s about your children. What do they need, and how best to protect them so that they are not too damaged by this sea change that is taking place in their lives. Remember: You cannot hurt her without hurting them, and she cannot hurt you without hurting them. Work it out! On your own, and when it's done simply tell the lawyers what to put in the agreement and don’t let them change a thing! That’s all you need the lawyers for.
Now, picture this: your assets are like a cow. This is the classic image, and seated either side of the cow are the lawyers who are busy milking your cow for all its worth. When it's all done there will likely be very little left, but it will not be the fault of the lawyers. You will both have insisted that they stay there until you get satisfaction by winning. In a divorce there are no winners. Even if it may appear that someone has won at first. The fact is everybody loses!
Although you know my name, I am going to sign this, “ Been There and Done That!”
One more thing: I wish you and your soon-to-be ex, all the Best!
Copyright (c) 2007 Eugene Carmichael
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