How to be a Gracious Guest

Published May 6th, 2007

This is a truly modern day problem. It should be simple: whoever does the inviting, pays. The fact of the matter is that it has never been as simple as that, and, it just got a whole lot more complicated.

For many years I worked in the hospitality business. It always amazed me how a pleasant evening between friends was ruined when it came time to pay the bill. The arguing and snatching of the poor little piece of paper backwards and forwards, and the change in attitude was truly something to behold. It appears that there can be a whole social hierarchy thing involved between the Joneses when it comes to such a simple thing as that. In spite of my considerable exposure to the phenomena, I still personally plunged head first into trouble, as though I was absolutely clueless. There is a moral to this tale that I hope might help you avoid the same grave social mistake.

The story began with an invitation to a business lunch by a professional woman, a colleague with whom I worked in the same industry. We discussed our business, had a lovely lunch, but when it came time to settle the bill I insisted on paying. I thought I was being gallant. She protested, pleaded, became testy, and then turned downright nasty, but I insisted in my good natured manner that the pleasure was all mine. I do not remember ever provoking anyone to such anger, either before or since. She told me that we would discuss how I made her feel if she ever calmed down enough to allow her to have a rational discussion about it.

My silent reaction was, “Hey lady, what’s yer problem?”

I did have that discussion with her, and it was I who approached her to apologise. However, before that happened I had to suffer some of my own medicine to understand how small I had made my host feel.

My lesson was delivered to me when I invited a senior officer of one of my client companies to lunch. When the bill arrived I naturally expected to pay, (although the money was his company’s own), but his attitude seemed to be you are subordinate to me, therefore you cannot extend hospitality to me, because I am your senior. The pecking order always extends downwards in matters such as these.

I was surprised by how much my feelings were hurt. I felt so small and insignificant. I was insulted because I thought I was some big cheese, respected for the position that I held and the responsibility that I carried. I was, after all in charge of millions of dollars of this man’s company funds, so how come I couldn’t even buy him lunch. The irony was, after all, as I have said, I was using his own company’s money. But no, he had to settle the bill. I was simply not worthy.

Before that day ended I sought out the lady whom I had offended and related my experience, and I made the most heartfelt apology to her that I have ever had to make to anyone. I did it while my own hurt was still fresh in my memory. She was gracious in her forgiveness, but she also congratulated me on taking a giant step forward.

So, the moral of this tale is this: modern day woman works hard for her income, and she should be respected as a full human being. She is not automatically by virtue of her gender the superior nor the inferior of her male colleagues in the workplace. Sure, there may indeed be a ranking system based on other criteria, but not simply on gender. Certainly, if she holds the same rank as you, or rank is non-applicable, and she invites you to lunch, she intends and expects to pay.

The other faux-pas to avoid is taking charge of the menu or the setting up of the line of communication with the service personnel. As the guest we need to assume a passive role and to follow her lead. Will we be having alcohol at the table? If she orders something soft, it’s probably best to follow her lead, especially if we do not know how she feels about booze.

You, or I are her guest, and as such it only remains for us to thank her for her hospitality. She is perfectly capable of spending her hard earned money in any way she wishes

What a wonderful, brave new world this is! Don’t you think?

Got a topic you want discussed. Have you encountered a new world problem in dealing with women? E-mail me at mailto:eugene.spain@g.mail.com Let’s get networking guys!




Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael