The following e-mail was received:
“ I have been following your column for some time. I was hopeful that it would succeed and would have substance, which it appears to be doing. From my own viewpoint there does appear to be a need for this type of thing. I have been harbouring some thoughts that are just eating me up, but I have not had anyone with whom I would have been comfortable in discussing my problems, but in a strange sort of way, the mere fact that I have begun writing to you already feels cathartic.
“It is my understanding that you will never divulge my identity or anything that can even point in my direction. By that same token I cannot expect to make allegations specific to any named person. So, if my understanding is correct, you have my authorization to re-print this e-mail in its entirety leaving out the aforesaid personal particulars about me.
“My tale of woe began several years ago when I met the girl of my dreams. We fell in love and life was good. We set about doing the usual things that newly-wed couples with stars in their eyes do. We purchased a house by first selling the home I then owned (and was very fond of), and using the proceeds towards the purchase of our current home that was really chosen by her to please her own tastes. I’m not complaining, just pointing out my efforts to please her.
“The arrival of our two children followed in short order, and with that all the essentials seemed to be in place. It simply was left for us to maintain the status quo by getting on with our daily lives.
“I’m not sure exactly when the rot set in, (other than that it was after the birth of our second child), or even why, but gradually her ardour towards me began to cool. I don’t recall doing anything specific to bring that about, but along with the cooling was a remarkable upswing in her criticisms of me. Suddenly, it seemed that I could do very little right. I was the same old me, going along doing the usual things in my own fashion that had previously been perfectly fine with her. But no more!
“I became very self-conscious about every little thing that I did, and there came a time when I hated to go home, putting it off for as long as I could. It suddenly occurred to me one day that I hadn’t laughed in such a long time I no longer knew how. Our children were a joy to us, and they do give me pleasure, but that’s not what I mean. I found that I could not even bring myself to look at my wife, that’s how deeply I had sunk into depression. All the while I kept asking myself, what had I done. Perhaps if I could be a little more this way or that way we could dig our way out of this sinkhole that was swallowing up our marriage and our lives. Nothing works anymore, and I fear that we are doomed.
“But the thing that distresses me most is, and I know how selfish this sounds, but for God’s sake, I have needs, and my wife doesn’t give a damn about me, yet she fully expects me to carry on with my obligations to herself and the family. I feel so completely betrayed by what was once the very sunshine in my life.
“How can things go so wrong? Am I the only person to experience this sort of turn of events without some clear indication of what I have done to bring it about?
“If any of your readers have any suggestions or opinions, or even their own personal experiences to go by, I would be most grateful.”
Response sent by return of e-mail:
“Thank you for sharing with us, and for your trust. I have to say that this column is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling, and what I’m hearing is that you have a marriage worth saving, and that the intervention of professional counselling would be advisable. What appears to be a complete betrayal may be tempered by other factors, such as possibly post-partum depression in your wife. You can all benefit from professional help, sooner, rather than later.
It is highly unlikely that you are alone in your problem, and I am certain many readers could help with their own anecdotal accounts because they have been there and done that.
We’ll put the matter on the table and see what develops, and you will not have to wait for a response to be published.”
So, here’s hoping that you, our readers would like to offer some assistance, not expecting to solve the problem, but at least to offer discussion so that the good gentleman and his family know that their’s is not necessarily a unique situation, and others have benefited by having pursued certain actions.
Please e-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com
Copyright (c) 2007 Eugene Carmichael
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