The break-up of a marriage that began in hope and happiness, and that involves children is in the league of a train smash, a shipwreck, a plane crash, only on a smaller scale.
The automatic marginalization of fathers by the courts and the ex-wife is the thing that is, in principle, so outrageous. Where once the marriage was a fully functioning unit, now there are two homes, perhaps two individuals at war with the children caught in the middle. For friends of the marriage there is enough of a dilemma. How do they not choose sides? Clearly, the situation is near impossible for the children.
In an ideal world, the circumstances would not change for the children and they would not have to choose. If only it were possible for the parent who moves out of the family home to simply move in next door, that would allow the children continued free access to their parents..
Warning! From here on in we are treading through a minefield. Were going to talk about a Father’s Rights of access to his children, but we must put everything in it’s proper context. Something big got in the way that has a bearing on the subject, and that is the divorce itself. What brought that on and how did those circumstances affect the father’s relationship with his children? In other words, he may indeed wish to sue for access, but do they actually want to see and be with him.
We have entered the no-generalization zone. Every case has to be looked at on its own merit. The most clear-cut case is where before the troubles father took the role of ideal family man. He was always there for his children giving them support when they needed it. The bond was intact and the children were growing up well adjusted because they had both parents who played their respective parts by the book, and the children came to depend on them. The question is, how did this marriage end in ruins?
In a marriage that was in trouble, chances are that the children were aware of what was going on and were emotionally involved. They most likely were taking sides, sometimes strictly gender based, sometimes not. At the final outcome, they will very likely conclude that the break-up is the fault of one, or the other parent. In such an event, the one whom they blame is going to find it pretty hard going to be in their company.
The activist group Fathers-4-Justice have pulled off some spectacular stunts to draw attention to the automatic marginalization of fathers, and denial of a father’s basic human right to see his children. It’s bad enough that he is expected to give financial support to a woman with whom he no longer has a personal (and intimate) relationship, but he must also give continuing support to his children that he is legally barred-or severely limited from seeing. He is being treated simply as a cash machine, and he resents that. He has feelings too that are intensified when he loses everything. He is out of the house living in some small one-room bed-sitter with nothing to give him joy and comfort.
It’s no wonder that men in such circumstances frequently become so depressed that they fixate on ending it all. Nobody cares a damn. He is only being used and abused, and she is out there clucking happily knowing full well that she is sticking it to him. The stories of what can come out of this type of situation are legend and form some of the most hideous tales of death and destruction. Nobody wins!
I return to my own experience as the model of how to work with a bad situation to best effect. In this I salute my former wife, who unfortunately passed away in her 42nd year. She was the one to provide the solution that I wish was standard, where applicable. That is to say, that she insisted that I had free access to see my daughters anytime they wanted. I think that she came to that place because my daughters wanted a continuing relationship with me. None of us could have known how important that was to be.
Those of you men who are going through this difficult time will all have your own stories. The main problem is that this will be a terribly confusing time when neither parent will be sure of what went wrong, or at least they will have their own versions. The bottom line is that it’s not about either of you. It’s about your children. What do they want, and particularly, what do they need in the way of continuing support. If it was not right between father and child before the divorce, how likely will it be afterwards.
Sometimes, as men we have to grin and bear the pain if it’s the right thing to do for our children.
Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael
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