Nice Guys – Bad Guys

In response to a previous column entitled “Are You a Nice Guy?” a reader sent me a very interesting question: “Why are women more drawn to the Bad Guy?”

Well, we are generalizing, something I dislike because generally, to generalize is just plain wrong. However, our life’s choices are at the root of all. Depending on the choice of mate that we make we are headed in the direction of happiness or sorrow. I can see so many examples of disastrous consequences based on bad choices that I hardly know where to start.

So, let’s start with the question “Why should I care if other people make bad choices?” The answer is that when others around me make damaging choices it somehow comes to involve me through the collapse of friends and family relations, violence in the home and the impact of that on neighbours, and appeals to those of us known as The Public for sympathy and support.

This business of choice is primarily a woman thing. We men think that we chase you and we have a conquest when we catch you, but the truth is that we chase you until you catch us.

One of the most dramatic examples of bad choice I have ever known was that of the lady who grew up in a small town and eventually married one of its leading citizens. She had what appeared to be an ideal life, but without any real provocation, except boredom she gave it all up. She moved away from her town and eventually became involved with a married man who lived with his wife. He treated this lady like a doormat, and he quite regularly beat her.

Those of us who formed her circle of friends never understood why she left her husband in the first place. She always spoke highly of him, the perfect gentleman who respected and loved her dearly. She broke the poor man’s heart and disgraced him in the eyes of the town.

We certainly never understood why she maintained her affair with her bad boy lover. We tried to persuade her to give him up, but the worse he treated her the more determined she was to stay. I once asked him why he treated her so badly. His reply was, “she likes it!”

Many young women are attracted to hardened criminals. They seem to find some sort of status if their man is serving time, and while he is away in prison they will be absolutely loyal to him. One reason being that if they are not, when he is released they will be in for some serious pain.

For men who properly respect women this is completely baffling. If you’re a nice guy you will surely have any number of stories of lost loves to the Bad Boys. Here you are, properly courting the girl you love, doing nice things for her, treating her like a lady when up comes a bad boy who has no respect for your relationship with her, and no respect for her or anything else, and she goes soft in the knees and in the head for him. She is last seen riding off on the back of his Big Bike clinging to him with that peculiar look of rapture on her face.

What seems to be at work here? Psychologists might say that the man who presents no challenge and is too easy also presents no chemistry. Sure, on a pure human-to-human level proper respect and conduct is appreciated, but in the love stakes nice guys really do finish last far too often.

What a horrible realization is that! What a topsy-turvy world we live in. This does not augur well toward the objective of eliminating violence in the home. So many times we will hear the woman say I really did try to make it work. I did everything by the book, so how can I be blamed? Well, the answer my dear is you chose the cretin in the first place.
He was probably one of those your mother warned you about, and when you brought him home she pulled her hair out.

Nice guys are not all simply victims. Guys have choices too, only not the final choice. The woman makes the final choice, but in both sexes we seem not to value that which is too easily attainable. To have a partner who does not provide us with a challenge seems to devalue that person. We tend to take that person for granted and as our own behaviour becomes cavalier our partner has to work harder, and the whole awful circle is completed.

This is certainly not good news, and I, for one do not have the solution to this quirk in the human condition.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

MEN FOR SALE

First I came upon the above picture, and I vowed that I would have to write a story to suit the picture. Then, a friend sent me one of those stories that have been forwarded around the world several times. It fits my picture, and just in case you are one of those people who have not had it show up on your computer, here goes:

In our busy society we are finding it more difficult to take the time necessary to find a mate, so we use on-line dating services of all sorts. Well, of course, it had to happen sooner or later that someone would come up with a supermarket that sold potential husbands.

There were strict instructions posted at the entrance:
1. You may visit this store only once. There are six floors, and the value of the merchandise increases as the shopper goes up.
2. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next level, but you may not go back down, except to exit the store.

So, because she was so busy, Sheila went shopping for a husband. She checked out the merchandise on the first floor.

These men have jobs.
She went up to the next floor.

Second Floor: These men have jobs and love children.
And on she went to the next.

Third Floor: These men have jobs, love children, and are very good looking.
She kept going.

Fourth Floor: These men have jobs; love children, are seriously good looking, and help with housework.
She hesitated, but continued on up.

Fifth Floor: These men have jobs, love children, are real hunks, help with housework and are strongly romantic and caring.
What is she looking for? You would think it must surely be on this floor. She considers, but then she just has to see what’s on the next floor.

Sixth Floor: There are no men for sale on this floor. It only exists to prove the point that women are never satisfied. The store is yet to sell it first take-home husband.

To be politically correct, the owners also opened a store across the street where men could shop for a wife. Same rules apply.

First floor: All the wives on this floor just love to have sex.
Second floor: These wives love sex, and as well are all independently wealthy.
Floors Three through Six have never been visited.

Men are so simple and uncomplicated.

I offer my thanks to the creator of this funny story. I liked it a lot and hope you got a laugh as well, although some things that are funny are also too true.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

The End of the World - Part Two

In part one of this thread, I tried to sketch a possible logical domino effect that would arise from a shortage of oil in the market, or oil that simply cost too much. I wrote that the problem would spread right throughout the economy, and gave as an example how the farmer would be hampered in raising livestock or growing produce, and what little was sent to market would cost so much that the average person would be shut out.

I also wrote of the impact on jobs and the ability to earn a living and pay the mortgage. This would bring ordinary people in conflict with one another, people who normally can be counted on to live in peace and harmony.

Well, it has started. The long gas lines are back; transportation sector workers, who are in many cases independent contractors with one or two trucks, are now feeling the pinch as they see the cost of fuel escalating and their disposable income disappearing. The truckers are on strike with ugly scenes appearing daily on the evening news.

Here in Spain, where I live, transportation of goods by road has all but come to a halt, and that includes the delivery of petrol. As I write this, several gas stations have shut down, the supermarkets have no meat of any kind, and all other consumables are fast running out.

Two people have been killed as a direct result of the conflicts on the road, and a third driver was burnt over 95% of his body while he slept in his truck. He was a strikebreaker. He is not expected to survive. Now, fuel is being delivered again by armed police escort and in convoy.

The fishermen have come into the protest refusing to sell their fish, instead they are throwing them into the street, as are many farmers who are dumping produce rather than sell it for the low profit, or no profit that sales would represent. Taxi drivers are protesting as well they might be expected to do.

What comes next: Food fights; food riots; hunger; theft of fuel and food; unemployment; homelessness; mortgage repossessions; the army on the streets, and more?

The good news is that as I write this things have returned to normal as the security forces have brought things under control. However, the root cause of the problem goes unaddressed.



Where and when did this all begin? Certainly the answer to that question will be highly debatable and complex, but I’m fairly sure that one key element was the very unwise decision for the United States of America to engage in an unnecessary war with Iraq.

I’m aware that is a controversial thing to say. However, that could not have been helpful at all. One direct impact was to weaken the dollar overseas, and that may have encouraged OPEC members to directly seek to increase the value of their product to compensate for the exchange losses suffered because oil is quoted in US dollars.

The fact remains that within a two-year period oil has gone from $35.00 a barrel to $139.00 a barrel. You don’t have to be an economist to know that such a development means big problems throughout the world. While consumers may take to the streets by the millions, the only useful thing that we can do is reduce significantly our demand. Start by asking yourself before setting off in the car, “is this trip really necessary? Can I achieve the same end by fax or e-mail or telephone?”

We did exactly that for the few days of uncertainty when petrol stations ran out of fuel. We also better organised our trips so as to optimise our fuel usage. It would be a really good thing, both for the environment and for our own economic health to make that a part of our daily routine.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

The Maturing of America

Dr. Martin Luther King, jr had a Dream

The following excerpts are taken from the world famous speech of Dr. Martin Luther King, jr, as delivered in 1963. It is by courtesy of The Douglas Archives of American Public Address, prepared by D. Oetting.(Access full speech at http://douglass.speech.nwu.edu)

“I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal.”

“I have a dream that one day my four little children will live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character.”

“Let freedom ring. And when this happens, and when we allow freedom to ring- when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children-black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics-will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty we are free at last!

Hillary, Obama, or John, are all would-be Presidents of the United States of America. Whoever wins in November, America itself has already won in the Court of Public Opinion around the world. America appears to have grown up and is trying to fulfill its promise that anyone can aspire to become president.

These are historic times. I remember the days of protest for equal rights. I remember the days when women in America stood up and declared, “ no more! We will no longer accept second class citizen status.” For black people the journey has been both exceedingly long and dramatic. Beginning from the days of slavery and lynching, discrimination, police beatings, economic suppression, degradation, and marginalization, to acceptance as a serious candidate for the office of President of the United States of America. Most of that progress has taken place in my own lifetime. I simply never believed I would live to see this day.

Other black people have tried seriously to be considered, as have other women, but America has always been stuck with the mindset that you had to be white and male to have any chance of success to occupy The White House. Even the name of the building reflected one of the basic qualifications for the office.

But America has learned a lesson about discrimination and prejudice. In the practise of these two acts we often harm ourselves. We turn our backs on the best qualified, accepting only those who fall into a shallow defined group of approved candidates, and America got what it deserved. It inflicted upon itself white men who were incompetent, stupid, sleazy, dishonourable, and crooks. Of course, it also got some who were exceptionally talented and very progressive for the country.

It is indeed time for change; an idea whose time has come and it will not be denied. Barak Obama has been declared the official candidate of the Democratic Party, and that all by itself is history. Congratulations! America. In order to make that happen the country as a majority has had to throw off its shameful history.

But! And this is a very big But! Let’s not be totally complacent and naive and expect that absolutely everyone in America is on board with this revolution. No doubt at this very moment there are very dark forces conspiring to turn back the clock. Whatever happens, the tide will not be turned back. There’s to be no going back to the way it was. There may have to be several attempts to make the idea stick, but stick it will.

Should Barak Obama be elected as the first black president of the U.S. that will achieve several things other than the barriers that he will have toppled. It will do things for women as well, especially if he does as is expected and asks Hillary Clinton to be his vice-president. It will significantly elevate the position of black women in the U.S. too, as his wife will become First Lady.

Personally, I would not advise taking Clinton on as VP, because that almost certainly would encourage a whole different group to go after him just so she gets to succeed him as president. I would recommend that he choose another black man, or woman. Too bad Condoleeza Rice is a Republican.

On a strictly political viewpoint, I personally do not envy whoever inherits the mess that the outgoing incumbent will leave. The task will not be an easy one. In fact it may be impossible for any future president for many years to come to be able to look good in office, such is the enormity of the task ahead.

So good luck to them all, and good luck to America. These are very exciting times indeed. Let the dream be realised, and America can finally say, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty we’re Free at Last!

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Managing Jealousy

Jealousy, known as The Green-Eyed Monster, is a major problem in relationships. No one is completely safe from its attack. It is very often at the heart of violence in the home, and has been responsible for murder, or what also might be deemed manslaughter.

Jealousy is essentially a function of insecurity. It cannot function where there is confidence backed up by reassurance. I have been its victim from time to time, but as I have come to understand what drives it I have been better able to manage it.

Jealousy, I believe, is a completely natural human emotion that goes right along with love. I’m thinking about the sort of jealousy that operates within a love relation, although it does exist in other forms, such as in business, the arts, etc.

Take two identical scenarios, one where confidence exists, (case A), and the other where insecurity rules the day. (Case B). Although jealousy affects men and women equally, let’s use for our examples a woman, and two men, and the situation is a social setting where we are supposed to mingle. At the end of the evening when the couple are returning home, in case A the couple compare notes about who they chatted with, even joking about the good looking guy who really took an interest in the woman. She reassures her partner that there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about as their love is strong and safe. He is secure and content.

However, Case B presents quite another scene. That relationship is weak; she’s an habitual flirt, although she has never followed up on any of the opportunities her flirting has opened up, and he’s deeply suspicious of her loyalty. He is more than likely to have a bout of jealousy that will lead to a fight. People get hurt in a situation such as this as it is natural to defend what we believe to be ours.

In uncontrolled jealousy, just walking along the street can set off an episode if another man so much as casts an admiring glance at his woman. In reality, he should be proud to have his own taste approved by others, but he is not likely to see it this way.

How do we go about evading jealousy? It’s probably a good idea to avoid an emotional relationship with super glamorous people, the so-called “Beautiful People.” As his or her partner you are in competition with that person who probably is in love with their own self. I think that’s called narcissism. Such people are high maintenance and are rarely worth the heartache they generate.

In choosing a partner if you place the greatest emphasis on integrity rather than looks you will be on the right track. Beauty can be more than skin deep, but taking care to ensure your beautiful person’s beauty starts from deep down is paramount. Then, you have to be sure to work for your place in your partner’s life every day. You can never take him or her for granted, although we do tend to get lazy, but that’s not a good idea.

So, in summary, if you have chosen well, and you are prepared to work for your partner’s affection, when someone else recognizes that you have a gem that they would like to have, you can relax in the knowledge that they are absolutely right, but the gem is all yours.

Copyright (c) 2008 Eugene Carmichael

The End of the World ?

A captivating headline, but is it justified and not just dramatic?

We seem to be watching the slow-motion meltdown of large economies. The cost of food is rising at an alarming rate. Natural disasters of extraordinary significance are happening with such regularity so as to become commonplace. Unnecessary wars are ongoing all around the globe to the extent that we have become numb. Terrorists are trying to kill us just because we go about our daily business, and individuals are committing some of the most mind-boggling anti-social acts.

The cost of oil has stood at a reasonable level for many years after once having climbed to unaffordable heights in the 1970’s. At a cost of between 50 to 60 dollars a barrel the world could cope. I remember $25 a barrel not such a long time ago. Now, the cost of oil on the futures market has hit $135 a barrel, and climbing. (I have had to revise the figure twice).

Meanwhile, in Europe, the euro, that once stood at par with the US dollar now costs $1.55 to buy one euro. Simply put, European manufacturers are finding it harder, or actually impossible to export their goods to one of the greatest consumer markets in the world. To make matters worse, even that economy, The United States of America, is in recession. That means unemployment on a grand scale for European workers is just down the road.

For the moment I want to focus on the effects of exorbitant oil prices. Oil is fuel, and here is a partial list of what is affected when oil is in short supply; is withheld from the market; and/or is just too expensive.

Start with the farmer producing our food. If he is not able to work the machinery to grow the lettuce and potatoes and corn, we will have a food shortage. The food that does get produced has to be brought to market, but if the same factors apply to transportation it won’t even be brought to the supermarket. That which does get through will be amazingly expensive and available only to a select few who can afford it.

Unemployed people will most likely not be able to afford to purchase food, so that will lead to theft and food fights.

Unemployed people will also not be able to afford to run their vehicles or to afford medical care. Even those people who are lucky enough to have jobs will have to car pool to get to work. The same scenes that we see in Africa of vastly over crowded trucks with people hanging on just to get a lift can become the norm in the large cities of the developed world. Is this so impossible to imagine? Think again!

The other thing that unemployed people cannot do is to afford to pay their mortgages. If you have never had your home repossessed there is no way that you, or I can imagine the horror of all that that entails. This must surely be the ultimate in personal tragedy other than the loss of life of a loved one.

All of the above constitute the set-up for the perfect economic storm of depression and simultaneous hyperinflation.

Oil companies’ profits can no longer be called profits. I think that the results that they are reporting fall outside the ambit of profits, and can probably be more properly compared to grand theft. But, this is the effect of the free market. The free market works along the base of supply and demand. Short supply and big demand equal high prices. Falling demand and high inventory equal falling prices. But, the catch here is that there is no real shortage of oil, simply a perception of runaway demand coming from emerging nations such as China and India, or so they say.

I must reiterate that the trading in oil futures takes place on the open commodity markets, and it is in the hands of such traders that the bidding up of prices into the stratosphere is being done, but, the sooner that bubble bursts, the better.

I am trying my best to imagine the ramifications of oil when the price hits $200 a barrel, as so many people expect it to do. We must also remember that so many of our everyday use products are oil based as well, such as plastics. Even families with both adults working are finding themselves just staying afloat. How will they cope in the coming disaster, possibly born of greed?

The cause of such high prices for oil can be debated forever, but the fact is that the consumer can only pay just so much before having to scale back or do without. I may be naive, but without sparking a round of hyper-inflation the cost of oil will have to come back down to earth before too long. The problem is that in the meantime the disruption to normal life will be severe.


Well, perhaps we had all better sit up and take note of what is happening on the world’s commodity markets because, as always, what happens there affects us all. Our only response under the circumstances at present is to reduce demand. We have to somehow turn our backs on the product. If we can reduce demand sufficiently, those who would see civilization turn on itself simply in the name of their own greed should instead take a bloodbath and lose their money. That would be justice.

Whatever little we can do, we should, because if we each do a little we all do a lot.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Love Games

An Intimate Discussion about a very Personal Subject

In the process of making love, there is a step that is called Foreplay. For we guys, we know when we are into this step because for so many of us this is the part where we try to get through it as fast as possible. In this phase we are supposed to concentrate solely on our woman’s pleasure. It’s supposed to get her into the mood so we usually think its best not to skip it entirely.

But here’s a suggestion: I know its radical, but what if instead of making it a part of the scenery on the way, we made it the destination. What might happen if we spent all our time and energy focussed entirely on our love interest’s pleasure, putting our own needs on the back burner? For one thing, our lovemaking sessions would certainly last longer than five minutes.

It’s a man thing to be single minded and goal-oriented. We focus on our own climax, and like a horse with blinders on, we gallop on to the end, and then we fall asleep. When we awake we wonder why there is a disgusted look on our partner’s face. Sorry, but that’s the way we are wired to propagate the species, so it will take a deliberate turn away from the normal to follow my suggestion.

So far, I have been speaking to the male, and I have been making the assumption that this is a heterosexual couple. However, the same philosophy applies to all combinations, because it invites both partners to assume the same attitude of care. Here’s where it gets interesting. When you give you get, and the more you give, perhaps the more you get. Sounds like a win-win situation to me.

I bring this up because one of the major problems of long-term relationships is boredom. To be more precise, the problem is the perception of boredom. We tend to think it’s the same old -same old. You’ve known each other since you were in high school, and there’s nothing new to be discovered about each other.

This must surely be incorrect because when the break-up comes and you each go off into the arms of someone new, you discover all sorts of exciting things about yourself. The fundamental flaw could be that we think in too narrow terms about each other, and fail to recognize that time changes us. Firstly, a wife is a whole person. A husband is a whole complicated person who hardly knows himself. Sure, our equipment doesn’t change that much, but it’s the same as everybody else’s’, more or less. I think that the key must surely be to keep an open mind and to trust one another. Accept that as we grow we will have fantasies, some of which might be worth acting out. To be able to do so within the secure and exclusive relationship that exists between the two of you would be a very special thing.

I’m not the expert. For that we need to turn to those couples celebrating their 50th and 60th wedding anniversary. How did they manage to make it to those milestones together? I suspect that somewhere along the way they discovered a formula something like that which is being recommended here. I may be making an over simplification, but it couldn’t hurt, could it?

As they used to say in the old TV commercial: “Try it, you’ll like it!”


Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Integrity!

Integrity: moral uprightness; honesty; wholeness; soundness.
It's what seperates humans from the animals

In God’s view, human beings are simply one of many species placed on earth as part of the Big Picture. We are driven in large measure by instinct, as are the other species, however; we tend to think that as human beings we are at the top of the chain. That we have Dominion over all things. We think we are superior over all in the animal and plant kingdom because we have the power to reason, and we have the triad of intellect, integrity, and morality to guide us.

I’m not so certain that we are entitled to our lofty assessment of ourselves, especially when we take a close look at many in the animal kingdom. In their world the worst of human behaviour is non-existent, and much of our best is even better represented.

I want to focus on this question of the conduct of male behaviour in the context of morality and integrity because this is one area where we need a lot of help. As an example, let’s say that the girl is angry with her boyfriend or husband, so to get back at him she uses his brother by offering her body to him. The amazing thing is that in probably the majority of these examples the brother will accept.

Where is his sense of integrity? How is he able to so easily set aside his moral sense? Of course it’s wrong! He knows it’s wrong, so why not just say no and walk away in disgust?

I have a theory when it comes to establishing a criteria to govern whom I may, or may not sleep with: If I allow a man to call me his friend, under no circumstances would I even consider making a move on his woman. Certainly, any man to whom I am blood related as brother, cousin, or uncle, puts his woman off-limits, even if they have split up.

If your woman is beautiful, charming, alluring and seductive, I can recognize all those things, but my sense of integrity and morality tell me to stay away. I owe the man, who I call my friend a debt of honour, and the momentary enjoyment I might get from being intimate with his woman is simply not enough to soothe my conscience. I have to live with that for life.

I’m not saying that it is easy to make such decisions when you have a woman saying “come hither big boy, I’m yours!” But integrity is at its best when under pressure. We get our sense of self-esteem when we are put to the test and we pass. We can dine out on stories of the time when the temptation was so great, but we successfully resisted. We tell no one if we caved in to it.

How important is self-esteem? That’s the element in our lives from which we decide whether we like ourselves the way we are, or whether we feel that we don’t deserve happiness and respect. There are many among us who lead double lives. On the one hand they hold themselves out as paragons of virtue while at the same time hiding a very shadowy other life. Such people are set up for a fall when the truth comes out. They must surely know that the day will come.




Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Tolerating a lying, cheating, scumbag Spouse

Definition: Someone who takes a lover, or lovers in betrayal of their marriage, in spite of the earnest efforts of their partner to make the union between the two work.

You both went willingly to the altar, where, before God and those witnesses present, all dressed in their finery, you made certain promises to one another in good faith. Then came the honeymoon, a period of getting used to the idea of what you had done.

The realization came in like a fog on a chilly day, and wrapped itself around you both like a heavy blanket. We are now as one person, our lives inextricably linked. Whatever happens in the future affects us both, for better or worse. We have to have agreement on the direction our lives will take; and we have to work out a program of give and take.

The welfare of each other is the business of you both, and for all intents and purposes it will be the two of you against the world, if it comes to that. You have joined yourselves at the hip, and the glue that binds is called “Trust.” Oh Yes! There’s also that other little thing called loyalty, and holding yourselves exclusively for the other, being concerned about each other’s personal needs and wants. This is for life! No matter how temptingly handsome or beautiful other people may appear, you are both spoken for.

When we take a step back and observe the practicality of marriage in our modern age of stress and distractions, it is probably the most impractical of all propositions.

As single people we really do not have to adhere to any agenda at all. Nothing much is expected of us, except perhaps to get married. And if it turns out that we are gay or lesbian, then relatives shrug their shoulders and stop bothering us. But the minute a couple get married relatives on both sides start asking when’s the baby due? Will you only be renting, or are you looking to buy your own home? You are constantly under the microscope and compared with other couples.

Either through stress, boredom, a lack of responsibility, or just plain greed, one of you gives in to temptation and you take advantage of that quiet offer that comes from perhaps someone who is actively trying to break up your happy home. You become a cheat. Maybe only for one night, or, in some cases you take up an on-going affair behind your spouse’s back. The tragedy is you think your spouse has no idea. Don’t believe it! There are so many clues that you cannot help but give. Very simply, if you are not where you are supposed to be when you are expected, where are you, or where were you?

Your spouse who believed in you, and who trusted you has to silently deal with what they will regard as your disrespect and sheer contempt for their feelings. They will experience a pain so deep from what they see as your evil acts and betrayal. Added to that is the outrage of having some stranger violate your marriage and your home, and it’s really no surprise that this can lead to some really tragic consequences.

The world looked on in awe while the late Princess Di gave her interview in which she looked so drawn. That’s when she said that her marriage consisted of three people, apparently from the start. Charles later admitted he was at fault, so we can only imagine the disappointment of the young princess who entered that marriage in fairy-tale circumstances only to have her great expectations so horribly dashed.

I think it is fair to assume that if there were no Camilla there would likely not have been a Jodi and a car ride into a pillar of the underpass in Paris.

Unexpected consequences! It means nothing later on to say, “I didn’t mean for that to happen!”

Copyright (c) 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Life! Sweet and Sour

The objective of the promotion of Harmony and Understanding between Men and Women is the enjoyment of those relationships that work. If you have never felt complete abandon to another person, then I am very sorry for you. But, don’t despair, that realization can happen at any time, usually when you least expect it. The only requirement is that you be open to the possibilities.

You have heard it said, “Oh! The things we do for love!” It is the only time in our lives when we can act as total fools and not regret one minute.(Until later?) We smooch and snog in public; we hold hands; we laugh, we love; we cry, and all’s right with the world. Ain’t love Grand!

That stage doesn’t last, of course. It does lead us to think that the natural thing to do is to spend the rest of our lives with this amazing person who has the ability to make us feel so high on life. Once we have made our union legal we go on to further complicate the situation with a mortgage and children. Suddenly, we no longer have time for each other and quality time together. All of those other things get in the way, and differences of opinion set us against each other. These are trying times, and the challenge is to survive the passage.

I was talking recently to a couple who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, which proves that it is still possible to hang in there. Many couples these days end up fighting for custody of the wedding cake, so lightly do they enter into marriage.

In reality, many artists of our time have a philosophy of avoiding the marriage contract altogether, and to avoid co-habiting. Their idea is to live together apart. That means that each partner maintains their own home, and pursues their own career without either person having to give up anything for the other person’s benefit. They believe that if their relationship is solidly based the partners will not take advantage of the opportunities to mate with other people, just because they can.

Each person has to work at maintaining the union, and the union will only succeed if the appropriate level of commitment and trust is really there.

As for the children, they spend time between the parent’s homes as agreed. The likelihood of ill will creeping into such an arrangement is probably quite low. Of course, this is all quite experimental, and time will tell.

The message from the couple that celebrated fifty years is that those fifty years were anything but blissful. They both admitted many times wishing or thinking about walking away. Times were very hard, and stress was the order of the day. There were times when they felt real hatred for one another, but they stayed the course. They had embarked upon a mission to bring up the children that they felt so compelled to bring into this world and to pay off their mortgage.

Before they knew it, the children were gone and the nest was empty. They only had each other. They could have chosen at that time to move on, both having served their time for their crimes of the heart. They chose not to do so because they had invested so much of themselves in each other.

The love that first brought them together, long ago vanished, and now that they were re-discovering each other something new was taking the place of all that lust and passion of 50 years ago. They were discovering respect, admiration, and pride in one another’s achievements. These are lasting feelings that endure for the rest of time.

Fortunately, memory is a wonderful thing. There is that screen that sets aside the hard knocks and disappointments of life in favour of the sweet things that we have experienced and are worth remembering. Were that not so, most women would give birth to only one child because of birthing pain. (So I’m told.)

For our couple looking back over the last 50 plus years, the question becomes “Now What?” These two people are both retired, and they go absolutely everywhere together. One starts a sentence and the other could finish it. They are now in that stage that young lovers talk about when they say “I want to grow old with you.”

I knew another couple like these folks. Inevitably one died, (the husband) and within two weeks his wife, who apparently was perfectly healthy, simply passed away in her sleep. As sad as that was for their children, (and all who knew them) I have always regarded that as the height of romance. The words “I can’t live without you” had real meaning.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

IS IT A HOUSE OR A HOME?

It only takes money to buy a house.

What does it take to have a home?

I was recently reading an article in The Daily Mail, of London, England entitled “So Rich you just want to Slap Them!” It was about the lifestyles of a select group of people, who I frankly do not know whether I should envy, or perhaps I should feel sorry for them. These are the movers and shakers of the investment world in New York and London, the Hedge-Fund managers and the investment bankers.

When times are good in the stock and bond markets, such people make so much money it is hard for them to have the imagination to spend it as they are so busy in earning it. It is the classic of all dichotomies: to not have the time to enjoy your wealth because so much time and effort is spent in generating it; or to have loads of time to enjoy life, but without any generation of income to support your active imagination.

I will make the time honoured statement that is usually made by people like myself, that money isn’t everything. I say that because I don’t have any. The truth and the ideal is probably somewhere in between. To earn a sufficient quantity of money to support a comfortable lifestyle while at the same time having enough daylight hours left over at the end of the day to enjoy with one’s family.

How much is enough is the eternal question? I cannot decide for anyone else, but my own yardstick goes something like this: how many pairs of shoes, socks, trousers, shirts, or suits can I wear at one time? How many meals can I eat in one sitting?

I think I am rich enough if I do not have to worry about where my next euro or dollar will come from; if I have enough money stockpiled to meet emergencies or health crisis; if I can afford the occasional luxury such as dining out, or having an exciting vacation; and if my home, and all my bills are fully paid for. Anything over and above that is excess and I should be thinking about sharing my wealth with those less fortunate. In the perfect world order the poor will always be with us. They are the purpose for our excess income, and by helping others towards a normal existence we actually get far more inner joy and warmth than from buying the latest designer this or that.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not being critical of people who have arrived at the top of their game and who earn money beyond my imagination. Nice work if you can get it, and if the opportunity came to me, what am I going to say, No? But it only takes a moment to look at the examples of Warren Buffet and Bill Gates, two of the richest men on earth to see where they get the most return for their money. It is in giving it away, or to be more exact, to use the money for humanitarian causes.

Myself, being part of a small effort to help make life for a village in Africa better gives me some authority to speak. The tremendous success that my partners and I have achieved is the most rewarding thing that we have experienced. Compare that to some of the ways in which some very privileged people spend their money: multiple homes around the world that they never get to visit and enjoy. True, these can be said to be investments, but was that the original intention.

Untold sums of money spent in self-indulgence, such as travelling to another country to have one’s hair done, or a day trip just for lunch, and other such excesses to buy the latest top-of-the-line everything, which I admit also moves the economy along, providing among other things employment; and large staffs to run the homes that result in the lady (or gentleman) of the house not actually having to lift a finger to do anything. How does she/he then spend the waking hours? Sounds to me like a dangerous recipe for boredom.

And that brings us to the crucial question of this tale. How do we know when we have reached the state of happiness? How do we know when we have created for ourselves the perfect home? As a high-flying mega-earner you get great personal satisfaction from the job that you do. As Tom Wolfe, author of “Bonfire of the Vanities” describes it; you are one of the Masters of the Universe. Most of these people consider that family is important and necessary, yet they rarely see their children, have precious little interaction with them, and no real quality time with their wives or husbands as they are always on the move.

A woman who has everything that she can imagine she needs, and in triplicate except the warmth, love and companionship of her man may begin to feel that it’s all just so hollow. On the face of it she should be happy. She may reason that there is a part that is missing, and it is so fundamental as to leave a void that cannot be ignored. Some turn to alcohol to try and numb the feeling, or drugs, or the arms of a man who may not be Mr. Right, but he is Mr. Right Now. All of these are self-destructive, and she knows it. But she cannot help herself. And what about her constant on the move power player, he will surely also feel the pain of loneliness, even in a room full of his friends and admirers. No shortage of women admirers there, so the temptation will be for a quick fling. He too will recognize it as destructive behaviour but will not be able to help himself.

This family and their ship of marriage is headed for the rocks because they are victims of their own success. The main difference with any normal couple’s disaster and that of the super-couple is the height of the fall from grace. They had it all, and it all came crashing down because of one undeniable law of nature: Love is all. Without love, all is built on a sandy foundation and the ceiling is made of iron beyond which one may not rise. That magnificent structure in which they live turned out after all, to be simply a house. For all their wealth they found they really could not buy a home.

Copyright c 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Thoroughly Modern Monica

This is a tale of a country in change. Spain, a country of great complexity and a very chequered past is a country undergoing radical, and very rapid change. Monica is a very real person, who represents that change, and is in the vanguard. She is such a startling personality, even though she doesn’t intend to be. But the fact remains that she is the personification of Spain’s new woman.

Monica is a 29 year-old single professional woman, who is ambitious, competent, well educated, and is well presented. She has achieved success and respect in her chosen career, but is not afraid to take on other more challenging horizons.

From the time of the death of General Franco in 1975, the mood of the country changed away from the strict control that it had experienced during the dictatorship to one of freedom. Over the years, more or less everything that the dictatorship represented has been replaced, along with the statutes. The General’s influence was so pervasive that it extended into and throughout the home, determining, among other things what a woman’s place was supposed to be.

Normally, changes of the sort that we are describing takes place over several generations, but the new Spanish woman has emerged after only one, or at most, two generations. Since 1975 thinking has evolved from a woman’s role being in the home raising a large family, to today’s young woman for whom career is goal number one. If there is to be a place in her life for family with children, only two can be expected, or even one token child, and pregnancy will be put off until the latest it can be; and even that may be with, or without the benefit of marriage.

In this, Spain’s young women share much in common with their American cousins. What is puzzling is what drove such rapid and total change. Why, seemingly all of a sudden, a whole generation of young women took on a brand new way of thinking.

Spain is a Catholic country, where the church still wields enormous influence. What we are seeing is a breakaway group of very strong and determined young ladies who have thrown off the expectations of church, family, and society at large.

In order for this to happen, Spanish men have had to wake up and catch up in a hurry. These changes cannot happen in isolation, and without the cooperation and understanding, and support of Spanish men. But, all has not been smooth sailing. Unfortunately, as young women try to break out of the traditional mould, they sometimes meet with very strong resistance. This is reflected in the very high rate of violence against women. Many have suffered deep wounds, and many have lost their lives in the struggle for liberation. When the time for an idea has arrived, it will prevail, no matter what. The time for the Thoroughly Modern Monica (s) of Spain is here and now. There’s no stopping the movement, and that much is clear.

There will be problems ahead as the pendulum swings to the other extreme, and it will take a little time until it settles somewhere in the middle. At least there is the experience of the American young female to guide our new woman.

Copyright (c) 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Falsely Accused!

I can think of nothing more horrid for a person to experience than to be falsely accused of committing a crime. History books are full of stories of people, particularly men, who have been falsely accused, tried and convicted, and in far too many cases, have been put to death for having committed no crime at all.

My lack of faith in the criminal justice system in most countries of the world is my reason for standing firmly against the death penalty. Once an innocent person gets slipped through the system due to mistakes, lack of funding for a high priced defence,
or prosecutors who are out to make a name for themselves at the expense of even the innocent, time spent in jail is enough of an obscenity. At least if the injustice is discovered the individual can be released. But once we’re dead, we stay dead for a very long time.

I once found myself under suspicion of having committed a very serious crime, as were a great number of other young men in my age group and profile. A woman claimed that she had been raped, but what had actually taken place was that her husband came home from his work earlier than usual at night, and surprised she and her lover. The lover ran from the house and she tried to cover up her infidelity by crying rape.

She was taken seriously and a search was undertaken to try and find the person seen by her husband fleeing the scene. Unfortunately for me I lived in the same neighbourhood on my own, and that night I had been to a film alone and was returning home at about the time her lover was making good his escape. My neighbours would have been able to say at about what time I arrived home, and to make matters worse I could have fit the description.

In the end the truth came out and the matter was abandoned, but not before a lot of resources were committed to the case, and the lives of a lot of people had been turned upside down. My own experience was stressful in the extreme. The detective who interviewed me later said that he was fairly sure that in me he had found the guilty party, and it was his feeling that he should have arrested me from the start. However, there was something that held him back from doing so because he was aware that if he was wrong the damage would have been done, and my life would have been ruined.

I would like to think that he held back because he had the common sense to doubt that there had been a crime committed in the first place. But the search placed a number of young men under the spotlight. I think the police found it fascinating to uncover so many tales of who was sleeping with whom in secret.

In all, I had to tell the story of my movements on that night three times under very formal circumstances in a police station. On the last occasion they let slip the nationality of the husband. From that I was able to tell that he was a guest worker from overseas, probably working in an hotel, doing double duty in the evening, first in the dining room, and then moving on to the nightclub. I was able to explain that as the incident that supposedly occurred was at the end of the tourist season, he had probably not been needed in the nightclub and had simply come home early and surprised his cheating wife.

The fourth time that I was called in to the police station it was to be given a formal apology and to be assured that it was all over. One woman had made the police and the public into fools, and tremendous resources had been wasted. Also, the greatest disservice had been done to every woman who might have a legitimate complaint in the future.

The stress that I experienced from trying to prove a negative took a great toll on me. I was facing ruin, not to mention loss of my freedom, no matter how short a period that might have been, or how long.

I hear people say all the time that if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear from the police. Such naïveté is wonderful. I can only hope for them that they are not personally rocked out of this state of being.

In the case that I have described here I am only too happy to agree that I did not become a victim of the system. But that is down to one young detective, whom I will never, ever forget for his compassion and concern for my well-being. Normally I would have been led off in handcuffs and thrown in jail. If it later turned out that it was all a mistake, well, that’s just too bad, innit!

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

More Violence in the Home - Murder!

Murder, or Double Jeopardy?

I have been following the strangest murder trial I have ever heard of. The case involves a 26-year old young woman defendant charged with committing the murder of her violent boyfriend.

One of the reasons that this case is so outstanding is that she was firstly a victim of physical abuse from a violent man. What a mess for a young woman to walk into. To fall in love with a man who turns out to be a person who somehow feels he has the right to physically beat her into submission. Unfortunately, this is a tale that is far too common. It is also not all that uncommon for the abuser in relationships to be either male or female.

What is at work in the thinking of the person who assumes the role of the Top over the Bottom? Is it such a human thing for one person to have to lord it over another, and is it about simple and raw power?

Back to this particular tale of alleged murder: Her story was that on the night in question, he came into her home, and as usual for him, began knocking her around. There had been an earlier incident outside the home that had sent him into a jealous frenzy, and he had come into the home pumped up. She said that things got out of hand with him punching her, and pulling her about the house by her hair.

The action moved to the darkened kitchen where he began choking her, having said that he felt like killing her while at the same time choking her. She said that she was fighting for her life, and while flailing around her hand touched some kind of kitchen utensil, which turned out to be a knife, which she slammed against his head, and in the process was plunged into his jugular.

He died of the wound! She claimed she was in a situation of self-defence, fighting for her life. His death was an unintentional consequence.

Given this scenario, a jury would simply have to decide whether this was a justifiable case of death at the hands of a woman struggling to save her own life from a man intent on taking her life; or whether it had to be determined an act of manslaughter.

Here, the case takes a most peculiar turn of events:

The prosecution chose to charge her with murder, that is to say, the unlawful taking of a human life, with malice aforethought. That was strange to begin with, given her story, but the outline of their case as to what had taken place was even curiouser. Without producing a single witness to describe the chain of events they allege, prosecution contend that during the altercation that took place that night she broke away from him and went to the kitchen to take up the knife with the intent of ending his life.

According to them, he fled into the bedroom and closed the door, but did not have time to lock it. Instead, he held the door against her by pushing back against it with his back to the door. He had also, they said picked up their baby and was holding her. On the other side, they alleged, she tried to get into the bedroom but could not budge the door. Instead, in a fit of rage she began stabbing the door. Several of the knife thrusts were so powerful that they penetrated the wooden door, and one went through and into the man’s neck and jugular. (The door was produced for the jury.)

This, the prosecution maintained amounted to the calculated murder of a man.

This scenario is, in my mind so bizarre that I fully expect Hollywood writers to take up the idea to be made into a movie, if they haven’t already done something like it. Sounds like something right out of the “Chucky” movies, or the Friday the Thirteenth series, or Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in “The Shining”, exclaiming, “Honey, I’m Home!”

It is simply impossible to murder someone by finding their jugular vein on the opposite side of a solid wooden door. If it happened at all that way, it would have been a very lucky strike, (or unlucky for the victim). And if some of the previous strikes saw the blade coming all the way through the door, you might think the man would have moved his neck out of the way. It could hardly be calculated as a method to murder. However, had she a gun, knowing that he was on the other side of the door, she could have fired several shots at random places and angles to be fairly sure that at least one would find its target. We know this can be done because we have seen it in the movies.

Was this a case of a very sympathetic prosecution making up a circumstance no jury could convict on, as they had probably concluded that this young woman had suffered enough and should be sent home to be a mother to her children. Unfortunately she stuck to her story that events had taken place as she described them, and the jury concluded that her actions amounted to manslaughter.

Thus, she, as the original victim suffered from double jeopardy, the being put at risk twice. Now she sits in jail.

I wish it were as simple as saying to other victims of abuse that in order to avoid this type of end result, you should walk away when the abuse first starts. Perhaps you might allow the first episode on the firm understanding that a repeat and you’re out.

When abuse is allowed to continue to be repeated over and over again, the one thing I believe the public cannot yet understand is the reason why the abused stays is because of love: Unless of course, it’s a love of abuse.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

In the News - A Week in March, 2008

simulation

Two things of significance happened during this week. The first was the resignation of the governor of New York State, Eliot Spitzer. It seems that Mr. Spitzer was a crusading prosecutor who made his name, and eventually led to his election as governor by going after a number of people who were active in, among other things, the sex business. He called himself a steamroller, so ruthless was he in taking down prominent people, that he felt he deserved his nickname.

But the governor had a secret. He probably had many secrets, but they are now coming out in the open. While he was busy taking down accused people and earning his reputation, it seems that he was doing the same types of things. This man held the public’s trust while at the same time thumbing his nose. How arrogant was that?

There are an awful lot of people rejoicing at his downfall. Parties will be in full swing for many weeks to come. His fall from grace is expected to be only the beginning. There will be the inevitable lawsuits, the books, the movie. Where can he go to hide? He said something about healing his marriage. What marriage is that? As they say in New York, “For-ged-about-eet!

His greatest sin, it seems, was in paying for sex with prostitutes. In this regard, America is centuries behind Europe. There are countries in Europe where if you are not paying for sex with prostitutes you are not doing your part in upholding the local economy. America is still puritan by comparison. Europe has forged so far ahead in a healthy attitude to the naked body and to sex. In some places, it’s illegal to have sex on the street, but not absolutely everywhere. But, in the main, the attitude is, please, everybody, have sex.

Mr. Spitzer is having his Karma. Maybe he didn’t believe in it before, but I bet he does now. Whatever happens will be his just desserts, but I would like to ask the next big shot who gets caught with his pants down one thing: Will you leave your poor wife home. Please don’t drag her before the cameras so that we get to see the face of a very embarrassed and disappointed person. It’s been done.

However, in the event my request is ignored I would like to see the following happen: When you are done delivering your ridiculous statement, and you’re about to leave the microphones, that’s when I would like to see your wife step up and say to the astonished press and world: “Did you, Ladies and gentlemen, really think I came here to be further humiliated in person and in silence? The real reason why I’m here is to speak my peace, which is as follows……..


Financial Settlement between Sir Paul McCartney and Heather:

It has been reported that an agreement has been reached finally in that Heather is to receive Fifty Million pounds as a full and final settlement to wind up the marriage. I’m writing this as a follow-up to an earlier title of mine, which was, speaking about divorce financial settlements: “ Is 50% always Fair?”

There have been some very messy splits and some astronomical amounts awarded to the spouse that didn’t hold the purse strings. We read these accounts, and our mouths drop open and the debates begin as to how could she, usually she, but it could just as easily be a he, be worth it?

What did our Heather do to warrant a payday of ₤50 million? Well, probably nothing. She didn’t do the dishes; she didn’t have to cook; didn’t do laundry; didn’t do anything worth ₤50 million. The only thing she did do was to make love to her husband and to make him happy, but I doubt that a price tag has been calculated using that as a formula. At least I hope not!

It all comes down to what is reasonable and fair when the split comes, and what the one with the purse can afford to share. In this case she has been introduced to a standard of living that the Courts feel she is entitled to continue to enjoy. This is only newsworthy because there is so much money involved. But in the real world, settlements happen every day and nobody is happy. Ruin for all concerned is the result of the disaster that is the marriage break-up. In many cases it would appear that the wife and children get the best of the deal, and for sure, some men go into absolute penury as a result.

None of that gets reported, only the really huge awards do because of the shock value and envy. Usually the one with the purse still gets to hold on to more than enough to continue living well. But the real question for Sir Paul and Heather is: “What now?”

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

What about Swinging?

Firstly, the topic of Swinging as a life style choice is just about the most misunderstood subject in the world, and was readily ridiculed by more than 90% of the people I dared to speak to about it.

I freely confess to being a sceptic, however, after discussing the topic with someone whose opinion I respect, and who is gifted with a super sense of logic and good sense, I have concluded that there are perhaps some redeeming aspects to the practise of The Swinging Lifestyle, and if understood might actually keep some marriages together that otherwise would go the way of so many others.

What is Swinging? It is non-monogamous sexual practise involving three or more people, but not necessarily together at the same time
Who is ideally suited? Married couples whose own intimate lives together have dried up, but for significant reasons need to keep the framework of the marriage together.
Main objections? Moral and philosophical, but not necessarily religious.

The Swinging Lifestyle is widely practised in countries around the world to such a degree that this treatment of the topic will come as no surprise or enlightenment to many who read it. In other words, it’s more common than one might think. There are openly advertised swingers clubs, and there are private arrangements.

These are modern times, and this is a subject for very mature adults only. Essentially, The Lifestyle is presumably seen as a solution to a problem, but because of the intimate nature of the action it can also lead to other problems. In times past the practise was that of going to a party and throwing your car key in the pot. The women chose a key, but the atmosphere was always depicted as being very severe.

The norm is that of male-female couples getting together for the objective of swapping partners for sexual gratification. A common age group will be the over forties, mainly because these will be people who have had a long-term relationship, perhaps started in their early twenties, and their sex lives have become worn out with repetition and sameness. To spice up their lives and overcome boredom they trust each other, and to avoid deceit they mutually agree to engage with other couples in the pursuit of pure pleasure.


Unlike engaging with another person in sex for payment, the practise of swinging can allow for emotions, and it seems to me that eventually you are going to engage with someone in this most intimate of human activities that will touch your heart, and you will feel genuine love, and that will break all the rules.

There are those couples that say they already have a good sex life together, but swinging enhances it. They say that by swinging they ward off the boredom factor. I stretch my imagination to try and understand how that works. Here you are, married with children, and on the surface everything else appears to be normal except once or twice a month you attend a party and go off with other people. Do you talk about it at home afterwards? And are you absolutely honest with each other?

There is one major consideration in all this, and that is that if one of the partners is not as completely convinced and committed as the other, I assume that disaster lies ahead. I would like to be the fly on the ceiling at the time the subject first comes up. Can we safely assume that it will always be the male to take the initiative? Probably not. It used to be called wife-swapping, but that term is no longer politically correct because it gives the mistaken impression that the wife simply does her husband’s bidding. Partner-swapping more properly reflects what takes place, especially where both people are mutually enthusiastic.

However, I am convinced that when one’s wife agrees to it, she does not do so for her husband’s sake. She has to see that there is something in it for her as well, and she is entitled to be selfish. It may be that the husband got them started, but it will be the wife who keeps them in it.

There is such a wide variety of clubs and participants that the rules are bound to be complex across the spectrum. The most uncomplicated are those clubs that are based on non-discriminatory couples only, but then there are some groupings that welcome single women on their own, and discourage single men without women partners.

As with any intimate activity of this sort there will be the ever-present dangers of sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy. These are dangers great enough on their own to cool passions, but I think the greatest danger of all is that sooner or later you will meet that someone who you will not be able to shake from your mind, and the thing that you tried to avoid of your marriage breaking up will go that route anyway.

Of course, it can be argued that you had all that fun in the meantime. And now that you begin a new life with your new partner, will you be expected to continue to Swing?

Life can be so complicated at times!


Copyright © 2008

Eugene Carmichael

BDSM

Bondage, Domination, & Sadomasochism


Upon having read Stephen King’s very excellent book, “Gerald’s Game” I found this to be an introduction to the very different world of Bondage. Basically the premise of the book is that Gerald takes his wife to their remote cottage in the woods, and he handcuffs her to the bed in the interests of fun sex play. We don’t get to share in what he had in mind because at that crucial moment, Gerald chooses to die, leaving his wife between a rock and a very hard place indeed.

But the story got me to thinking about a sub-world that does exist, providing a very different lifestyle from the norm. Firstly, I wondered about the person who permits himself or herself, indeed offers themselves to be totally incapacitated, in the interest of sexual game playing. I tried to look into the mind of such a person, and to ask why?

Presumably this is all in the pursuit of sexual thrills and the ever more elusive climax. Is it that when people allow themselves to be in such a position that something should happen that they would not otherwise permit. Such as some violation or outrageousness to take them to a place that they would not normally, and voluntarily go. Are they looking to be terrified and then brought back from the brink unharmed?

Right along with such a scene goes the question, “at what point does the action cross over into assault or rape?”

As long as I stayed with the submissive person I thought we were on fairly safe territory, at least from that person’s perspective, but what happens when we cross over to the one who wants to put you completely under their power? How well can the submissive person know the other person, because I really wonder what could be in the contemplation of such a person’s mind. If he or she wants the submissive completely helpless, rather than in a position of simple play-acting with an easy escape facility, what the hell could that person be planning?

While I make no judgements about such alternative lifestyles, other than they are not for me, I think it would be prudent for people who are intrigued and who may be thinking about getting into some of this action to get hold of some books on the topic and learn something about the lifestyle you may be entering.

For one thing, there’s a whole glossary to learn, and there are rules and approved conduct involved, such as “You can hurt, but you must not harm.” (How does that work?)

You might like to Google “Masters and Slaves” for a start. Be prepared for a real eye opener. I really would like to get into some details, but somehow I feel that I would be invading the privacy of the lifestyle in this column by doing so, without any real purpose.

Suffice it to say that these are consenting adults making free choices, and they seem to get something significant from the life. Even those people who contract themselves to a Master to be their slave on a 24/7 basis seem pleased to serve, and to give their gift, as they call it, to those who control them, so, who am I to be negative. A case of whatever turns you on, I suppose.

If you’re interested there are almost unlimited books to help introduce you to that special world. The important thing is to go in with your eyes wide open.

One more thing: Happy camping and Good Luck!

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

More Violence in the Home

I was in the midst of doing a simple task that we all must do, that being taking out the trash to the bins at the entrance to our estate. But on this day that simple task became overshadowed by a very disturbing incident that I would like to share with you, as it is definitely a cautionary tale.

What I observed was an attack in progress by a woman upon her male partner. I have no way of knowing what provoked it, but she was very belligerent in her verbal attacks. They had arrived in a van, and he had obviously stopped and got out to try and get away from her. Every time he took a step she was in his path and in his face. For his part, he was really enraging her by not engaging with her in the argument. He simply kept quiet and tried to walk away, but she was having none of it.

She started to demand that he give her the mobile phone. He then got back in the van and started to drive forward when she jumped in and started tearing the van to pieces. Anything that she could dislodge she ripped off and threw it out. He again stopped the van and got out and began to walk away, but he attempted to place a call. She simply went ballistic. It turned out that he was calling the police, and that’s when she got very physical, punching him, and scratching him.

She then tried to throw him to the ground, but the plan backfired when she missed her kick and lost her footing and down she went into the dirt. Now she became a screaming banshee, kicking, punching, throwing dirt at him, and yelling great obscenities, all of which drew a small group of spectators. A couple of people went to his aid, and for their efforts they attracted her venom.

Finally, there arrived a lone policeman in his car. Instead of calming her down she became even more outraged, flying at the policeman even before he got out of his car. He called for backup, and there came the Guardia Civil, who were left with no alternative but to forcefully put her in handcuffs and march her off to jail.

While I have no idea of what set her off, I take my hat off to her partner who was severely provoked to defend himself by striking back. However, therein lies the problem for a man: no matter how badly he is provoked by a woman, he cannot physically strike back, as he would were his attacker another man without drawing down the ire of the law that seems to hold that under no circumstances is a man justified by striking a woman.

This is an intolerable situation for men because there are many very capable women of inflicting great harm upon whomever they decide to hit. That a man is expected to stand there, as I watched the man who was attacked, and hold your arms out wide and let her rain down the blows, including scratching and kicking, drawing blood in the process is, in my view, taking the men-woman situation too far. Everyone is entitled to defend himself or herself.

The man in this tale never laid a hand on her in anger. He was a model of restraint, and took a severe beating from her. Let no one mistake her capability in causing pain and suffering. I happen to regard women as equal to men. If they do not have the natural upper body strength, there are other ways that they can do their damage.

By this piece, I pay homage to a man who, under very trying conditions set the example of how to deal with a situation of this magnitude. He had to be one in a million, as she was really demanding that he pop her one. Fortunately for him he didn’t, and the police could see that, and they congratulated him.

What would have been better is that the incident had not happened at all. It was one of the ugliest that I have seen in a long time. What I am particularly pleased about is that my suggestion to families is: Don’t Provoke, Don’t Hit! He was severely provoked, but he didn’t hit back. What I don’t know is what provoked her.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

How Nice to meet You (IV)

We are exploring an effective way to market oneself when trying to attract that special person on the Internet. Most dating services limit severely what you can say about yourself, which is a pity because what most people say is that they are perfect, and completely without flaws. However, women are usually a little better than men, in that they do include a little more of their personalities in the piece. Men usually say what their professions are, and list the kind of woman they are seeking, and that’s it.

In part three I was challenged to write a profile for a woman that would really give the reader an insight into her personality. This week I will have a go at helping the guys.

“Hello, my name is William, but I prefer to be called Bill. I’m 54 years of age, in good health, and I’m in search of one Good Woman.

“ I am divorced, and we have one child between us, with whom I maintain a reasonable relationship. I work as a builder, and that takes up a fair bit of my time. You could say that I’m a very uncomplicated person, a” meat and potatoes” type of man. I like pub people and the social scene that goes with the pub, however, on most nights you are likely to find me at home resting after a hard day’s work. A woman who shares an appreciation of the same home and pub style of life would be a great companion to me.

“I have made some mistakes in my former marriage, like over-doing the drinking, and taking the missus for granted, but I’m determined to learn from those mistakes and I will avoid them in the future. I think that if we don’t learn from our mistakes, then what was the point.

“My attitude towards women is one of respect, but I would like to be depended upon as provider and protector, as that is the role that I think I should play in a relationship.

“One other thing: I’m as gentle as a lamb and as cuddly as a bear.”

I think that this description is succinct and to the point. We know that Bill is middle aged and is probably looking to settle down again with a woman who is also looking for a relationship that could lead to a settled situation. She can see that our Bill is a blue collar, down to earth type, who is probably steady as a rock. At age 54 he is a little older but definitely wiser as he seems to have learned from his past mistakes. He at least is willing to acknowledge them, and that is the mandatory first step to improvements.

He hasn’t bothered to detail what kinds of music he likes, and what movies he watches. All that will come out in the general discussions. By adding that he is a gentle man, a woman who might be concerned about that is encouraged to respond. In fact, I suspect our Bill may be spoiled for choices. There are many lonely hearts in the world who deserve a companion. There are also a lot of lonely hearts who deserve their status, the problem is trying to sort out the good from the bad as applies to each individual.

Life is not a rehearsal. We only get to live it once, and when today passes into yesterday we can do nothing about retrieving any of that time to either correct mistakes, or to relive it. So, if you are sitting alone in your home hoping that something will happen, it probably won’t. You have to make it happen. There are no guarantees in life, such as you will never have your heart broken again. You take your chances, and Good Luck!


Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

How Nice to Meet You! (Part Three)

Well, now I seem to have gone and put my foot right in it up to the thigh. In the first part of this thread several of you thought that I was making fun of the way that you present yourselves in your Personal Adverts. Busted! I was sort of doing just that because everyone seems to be saying the same subjective things about themselves, and no one has any flaws or blemishes whatsoever. Can that be right?

I repeat that I support the medium of turning a lonely existence into one where two people find companionship and even love. However, the system is open to abuse and the scammers are all around, so one has to be on guard and use common sense. Take things slowly, and one step at a time. A lot of criteria should be met before taking the brakes off.

There are a lot of people who are genuine lonely hearts looking for long-term, preferably permanent relationships. The amazing thing is that often the ideal person that you may be looking for might live just a few doors along from you. This is one way of finding each other.

My criticism is directed towards the presentation of the information about the advertising person. Maybe it’s the fault of the service that restricts the number of words that can be used to describe yourself. I have been challenged to write a better personal advert since I have dared be a critic.

I’m not personally looking for a mate on the Internet, but if I were here’s some of what I hope you would tell me. In this case I’m going to put myself in the place of Maria who is looking for a friend.

“ Hello, my name is Maria. I am 48 years of age, divorced with two lovely daughters who are so precious and intelligent, ages 13, and 16. Unfortunately things went sour between their father and I, but we maintain a cordial and respectful relationship as we have the common interest of our daughters. However, he has moved on with his life, and he now supports my efforts in doing the same.

“I enjoy my career as a graphic artist with a national magazine, and that, together with caring for my daughters gives me almost all the fulfilment I need. Missing from my life is a good friend to share those special moments that turn the good into great.

“I live in downtown Valencia which I enjoy for the convenience of the theatre, cinema, good restaurants and concerts. We also take full advantage of the outdoors in the park and the beach.

“ I am not afraid to try new things. Some are quite tame I suppose, such as riding bicycles with my daughters, but if you could see how uncoordinated I am on two wheels you would have to laugh. At least I am out of the house and doing something to get fit and stay fit. I have also taken up walking in the country through the excellent Senderismo program offered by the city of Valencia. My girls and I have come to regard this as an essential interest, and although it still hurts after a full day’s exercise I do feel good.

“I am not without friends, as I enjoy a wide circle of really good social support, but I am looking outside that group for one special person. That person could be you, but I would first value your respect for me as a person, never to be taken for granted. I would value in you sensitivity and maturity, kindness and the highest regard for my daughters. You would not be asked to assume the role of their father as he discharges those duties in a most loving way.

“You also would not be asked to move in with us as I believe that might place undue stress on what is a delicate balance. My daughters have the encouragement of my ex-husband to help me settle my personal life again, so that’s not the problem. But there’s no pressure to go to that level right away.

“ I am also not a smoker, I enjoy alcohol, mostly wine at dinner in modest quantities, and I strongly disapprove of recreational drugs. It is essential that the people I associate with share those views.

So! If you are looking, you now have a pretty good idea of who Maria is and whether you have anything to offer her. If she only said that she was friendly, liked to go out, liked the movies, etc, so what? Most people do. What do you think? Does this work any better?

On the whole, women do a much better job of introducing themselves to the world. Men need a lot of help, so I shall have a go of presenting a good profile of a man next week. Its all about marketing, you see.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael