Tolerating a lying, cheating, scumbag Spouse

Definition: Someone who takes a lover, or lovers in betrayal of their marriage, in spite of the earnest efforts of their partner to make the union between the two work.

You both went willingly to the altar, where, before God and those witnesses present, all dressed in their finery, you made certain promises to one another in good faith. Then came the honeymoon, a period of getting used to the idea of what you had done.

The realization came in like a fog on a chilly day, and wrapped itself around you both like a heavy blanket. We are now as one person, our lives inextricably linked. Whatever happens in the future affects us both, for better or worse. We have to have agreement on the direction our lives will take; and we have to work out a program of give and take.

The welfare of each other is the business of you both, and for all intents and purposes it will be the two of you against the world, if it comes to that. You have joined yourselves at the hip, and the glue that binds is called “Trust.” Oh Yes! There’s also that other little thing called loyalty, and holding yourselves exclusively for the other, being concerned about each other’s personal needs and wants. This is for life! No matter how temptingly handsome or beautiful other people may appear, you are both spoken for.

When we take a step back and observe the practicality of marriage in our modern age of stress and distractions, it is probably the most impractical of all propositions.

As single people we really do not have to adhere to any agenda at all. Nothing much is expected of us, except perhaps to get married. And if it turns out that we are gay or lesbian, then relatives shrug their shoulders and stop bothering us. But the minute a couple get married relatives on both sides start asking when’s the baby due? Will you only be renting, or are you looking to buy your own home? You are constantly under the microscope and compared with other couples.

Either through stress, boredom, a lack of responsibility, or just plain greed, one of you gives in to temptation and you take advantage of that quiet offer that comes from perhaps someone who is actively trying to break up your happy home. You become a cheat. Maybe only for one night, or, in some cases you take up an on-going affair behind your spouse’s back. The tragedy is you think your spouse has no idea. Don’t believe it! There are so many clues that you cannot help but give. Very simply, if you are not where you are supposed to be when you are expected, where are you, or where were you?

Your spouse who believed in you, and who trusted you has to silently deal with what they will regard as your disrespect and sheer contempt for their feelings. They will experience a pain so deep from what they see as your evil acts and betrayal. Added to that is the outrage of having some stranger violate your marriage and your home, and it’s really no surprise that this can lead to some really tragic consequences.

The world looked on in awe while the late Princess Di gave her interview in which she looked so drawn. That’s when she said that her marriage consisted of three people, apparently from the start. Charles later admitted he was at fault, so we can only imagine the disappointment of the young princess who entered that marriage in fairy-tale circumstances only to have her great expectations so horribly dashed.

I think it is fair to assume that if there were no Camilla there would likely not have been a Jodi and a car ride into a pillar of the underpass in Paris.

Unexpected consequences! It means nothing later on to say, “I didn’t mean for that to happen!”

Copyright (c) 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Life! Sweet and Sour

The objective of the promotion of Harmony and Understanding between Men and Women is the enjoyment of those relationships that work. If you have never felt complete abandon to another person, then I am very sorry for you. But, don’t despair, that realization can happen at any time, usually when you least expect it. The only requirement is that you be open to the possibilities.

You have heard it said, “Oh! The things we do for love!” It is the only time in our lives when we can act as total fools and not regret one minute.(Until later?) We smooch and snog in public; we hold hands; we laugh, we love; we cry, and all’s right with the world. Ain’t love Grand!

That stage doesn’t last, of course. It does lead us to think that the natural thing to do is to spend the rest of our lives with this amazing person who has the ability to make us feel so high on life. Once we have made our union legal we go on to further complicate the situation with a mortgage and children. Suddenly, we no longer have time for each other and quality time together. All of those other things get in the way, and differences of opinion set us against each other. These are trying times, and the challenge is to survive the passage.

I was talking recently to a couple who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, which proves that it is still possible to hang in there. Many couples these days end up fighting for custody of the wedding cake, so lightly do they enter into marriage.

In reality, many artists of our time have a philosophy of avoiding the marriage contract altogether, and to avoid co-habiting. Their idea is to live together apart. That means that each partner maintains their own home, and pursues their own career without either person having to give up anything for the other person’s benefit. They believe that if their relationship is solidly based the partners will not take advantage of the opportunities to mate with other people, just because they can.

Each person has to work at maintaining the union, and the union will only succeed if the appropriate level of commitment and trust is really there.

As for the children, they spend time between the parent’s homes as agreed. The likelihood of ill will creeping into such an arrangement is probably quite low. Of course, this is all quite experimental, and time will tell.

The message from the couple that celebrated fifty years is that those fifty years were anything but blissful. They both admitted many times wishing or thinking about walking away. Times were very hard, and stress was the order of the day. There were times when they felt real hatred for one another, but they stayed the course. They had embarked upon a mission to bring up the children that they felt so compelled to bring into this world and to pay off their mortgage.

Before they knew it, the children were gone and the nest was empty. They only had each other. They could have chosen at that time to move on, both having served their time for their crimes of the heart. They chose not to do so because they had invested so much of themselves in each other.

The love that first brought them together, long ago vanished, and now that they were re-discovering each other something new was taking the place of all that lust and passion of 50 years ago. They were discovering respect, admiration, and pride in one another’s achievements. These are lasting feelings that endure for the rest of time.

Fortunately, memory is a wonderful thing. There is that screen that sets aside the hard knocks and disappointments of life in favour of the sweet things that we have experienced and are worth remembering. Were that not so, most women would give birth to only one child because of birthing pain. (So I’m told.)

For our couple looking back over the last 50 plus years, the question becomes “Now What?” These two people are both retired, and they go absolutely everywhere together. One starts a sentence and the other could finish it. They are now in that stage that young lovers talk about when they say “I want to grow old with you.”

I knew another couple like these folks. Inevitably one died, (the husband) and within two weeks his wife, who apparently was perfectly healthy, simply passed away in her sleep. As sad as that was for their children, (and all who knew them) I have always regarded that as the height of romance. The words “I can’t live without you” had real meaning.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

IS IT A HOUSE OR A HOME?

It only takes money to buy a house.

What does it take to have a home?

I was recently reading an article in The Daily Mail, of London, England entitled “So Rich you just want to Slap Them!” It was about the lifestyles of a select group of people, who I frankly do not know whether I should envy, or perhaps I should feel sorry for them. These are the movers and shakers of the investment world in New York and London, the Hedge-Fund managers and the investment bankers.

When times are good in the stock and bond markets, such people make so much money it is hard for them to have the imagination to spend it as they are so busy in earning it. It is the classic of all dichotomies: to not have the time to enjoy your wealth because so much time and effort is spent in generating it; or to have loads of time to enjoy life, but without any generation of income to support your active imagination.

I will make the time honoured statement that is usually made by people like myself, that money isn’t everything. I say that because I don’t have any. The truth and the ideal is probably somewhere in between. To earn a sufficient quantity of money to support a comfortable lifestyle while at the same time having enough daylight hours left over at the end of the day to enjoy with one’s family.

How much is enough is the eternal question? I cannot decide for anyone else, but my own yardstick goes something like this: how many pairs of shoes, socks, trousers, shirts, or suits can I wear at one time? How many meals can I eat in one sitting?

I think I am rich enough if I do not have to worry about where my next euro or dollar will come from; if I have enough money stockpiled to meet emergencies or health crisis; if I can afford the occasional luxury such as dining out, or having an exciting vacation; and if my home, and all my bills are fully paid for. Anything over and above that is excess and I should be thinking about sharing my wealth with those less fortunate. In the perfect world order the poor will always be with us. They are the purpose for our excess income, and by helping others towards a normal existence we actually get far more inner joy and warmth than from buying the latest designer this or that.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not being critical of people who have arrived at the top of their game and who earn money beyond my imagination. Nice work if you can get it, and if the opportunity came to me, what am I going to say, No? But it only takes a moment to look at the examples of Warren Buffet and Bill Gates, two of the richest men on earth to see where they get the most return for their money. It is in giving it away, or to be more exact, to use the money for humanitarian causes.

Myself, being part of a small effort to help make life for a village in Africa better gives me some authority to speak. The tremendous success that my partners and I have achieved is the most rewarding thing that we have experienced. Compare that to some of the ways in which some very privileged people spend their money: multiple homes around the world that they never get to visit and enjoy. True, these can be said to be investments, but was that the original intention.

Untold sums of money spent in self-indulgence, such as travelling to another country to have one’s hair done, or a day trip just for lunch, and other such excesses to buy the latest top-of-the-line everything, which I admit also moves the economy along, providing among other things employment; and large staffs to run the homes that result in the lady (or gentleman) of the house not actually having to lift a finger to do anything. How does she/he then spend the waking hours? Sounds to me like a dangerous recipe for boredom.

And that brings us to the crucial question of this tale. How do we know when we have reached the state of happiness? How do we know when we have created for ourselves the perfect home? As a high-flying mega-earner you get great personal satisfaction from the job that you do. As Tom Wolfe, author of “Bonfire of the Vanities” describes it; you are one of the Masters of the Universe. Most of these people consider that family is important and necessary, yet they rarely see their children, have precious little interaction with them, and no real quality time with their wives or husbands as they are always on the move.

A woman who has everything that she can imagine she needs, and in triplicate except the warmth, love and companionship of her man may begin to feel that it’s all just so hollow. On the face of it she should be happy. She may reason that there is a part that is missing, and it is so fundamental as to leave a void that cannot be ignored. Some turn to alcohol to try and numb the feeling, or drugs, or the arms of a man who may not be Mr. Right, but he is Mr. Right Now. All of these are self-destructive, and she knows it. But she cannot help herself. And what about her constant on the move power player, he will surely also feel the pain of loneliness, even in a room full of his friends and admirers. No shortage of women admirers there, so the temptation will be for a quick fling. He too will recognize it as destructive behaviour but will not be able to help himself.

This family and their ship of marriage is headed for the rocks because they are victims of their own success. The main difference with any normal couple’s disaster and that of the super-couple is the height of the fall from grace. They had it all, and it all came crashing down because of one undeniable law of nature: Love is all. Without love, all is built on a sandy foundation and the ceiling is made of iron beyond which one may not rise. That magnificent structure in which they live turned out after all, to be simply a house. For all their wealth they found they really could not buy a home.

Copyright c 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Thoroughly Modern Monica

This is a tale of a country in change. Spain, a country of great complexity and a very chequered past is a country undergoing radical, and very rapid change. Monica is a very real person, who represents that change, and is in the vanguard. She is such a startling personality, even though she doesn’t intend to be. But the fact remains that she is the personification of Spain’s new woman.

Monica is a 29 year-old single professional woman, who is ambitious, competent, well educated, and is well presented. She has achieved success and respect in her chosen career, but is not afraid to take on other more challenging horizons.

From the time of the death of General Franco in 1975, the mood of the country changed away from the strict control that it had experienced during the dictatorship to one of freedom. Over the years, more or less everything that the dictatorship represented has been replaced, along with the statutes. The General’s influence was so pervasive that it extended into and throughout the home, determining, among other things what a woman’s place was supposed to be.

Normally, changes of the sort that we are describing takes place over several generations, but the new Spanish woman has emerged after only one, or at most, two generations. Since 1975 thinking has evolved from a woman’s role being in the home raising a large family, to today’s young woman for whom career is goal number one. If there is to be a place in her life for family with children, only two can be expected, or even one token child, and pregnancy will be put off until the latest it can be; and even that may be with, or without the benefit of marriage.

In this, Spain’s young women share much in common with their American cousins. What is puzzling is what drove such rapid and total change. Why, seemingly all of a sudden, a whole generation of young women took on a brand new way of thinking.

Spain is a Catholic country, where the church still wields enormous influence. What we are seeing is a breakaway group of very strong and determined young ladies who have thrown off the expectations of church, family, and society at large.

In order for this to happen, Spanish men have had to wake up and catch up in a hurry. These changes cannot happen in isolation, and without the cooperation and understanding, and support of Spanish men. But, all has not been smooth sailing. Unfortunately, as young women try to break out of the traditional mould, they sometimes meet with very strong resistance. This is reflected in the very high rate of violence against women. Many have suffered deep wounds, and many have lost their lives in the struggle for liberation. When the time for an idea has arrived, it will prevail, no matter what. The time for the Thoroughly Modern Monica (s) of Spain is here and now. There’s no stopping the movement, and that much is clear.

There will be problems ahead as the pendulum swings to the other extreme, and it will take a little time until it settles somewhere in the middle. At least there is the experience of the American young female to guide our new woman.

Copyright (c) 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Falsely Accused!

I can think of nothing more horrid for a person to experience than to be falsely accused of committing a crime. History books are full of stories of people, particularly men, who have been falsely accused, tried and convicted, and in far too many cases, have been put to death for having committed no crime at all.

My lack of faith in the criminal justice system in most countries of the world is my reason for standing firmly against the death penalty. Once an innocent person gets slipped through the system due to mistakes, lack of funding for a high priced defence,
or prosecutors who are out to make a name for themselves at the expense of even the innocent, time spent in jail is enough of an obscenity. At least if the injustice is discovered the individual can be released. But once we’re dead, we stay dead for a very long time.

I once found myself under suspicion of having committed a very serious crime, as were a great number of other young men in my age group and profile. A woman claimed that she had been raped, but what had actually taken place was that her husband came home from his work earlier than usual at night, and surprised she and her lover. The lover ran from the house and she tried to cover up her infidelity by crying rape.

She was taken seriously and a search was undertaken to try and find the person seen by her husband fleeing the scene. Unfortunately for me I lived in the same neighbourhood on my own, and that night I had been to a film alone and was returning home at about the time her lover was making good his escape. My neighbours would have been able to say at about what time I arrived home, and to make matters worse I could have fit the description.

In the end the truth came out and the matter was abandoned, but not before a lot of resources were committed to the case, and the lives of a lot of people had been turned upside down. My own experience was stressful in the extreme. The detective who interviewed me later said that he was fairly sure that in me he had found the guilty party, and it was his feeling that he should have arrested me from the start. However, there was something that held him back from doing so because he was aware that if he was wrong the damage would have been done, and my life would have been ruined.

I would like to think that he held back because he had the common sense to doubt that there had been a crime committed in the first place. But the search placed a number of young men under the spotlight. I think the police found it fascinating to uncover so many tales of who was sleeping with whom in secret.

In all, I had to tell the story of my movements on that night three times under very formal circumstances in a police station. On the last occasion they let slip the nationality of the husband. From that I was able to tell that he was a guest worker from overseas, probably working in an hotel, doing double duty in the evening, first in the dining room, and then moving on to the nightclub. I was able to explain that as the incident that supposedly occurred was at the end of the tourist season, he had probably not been needed in the nightclub and had simply come home early and surprised his cheating wife.

The fourth time that I was called in to the police station it was to be given a formal apology and to be assured that it was all over. One woman had made the police and the public into fools, and tremendous resources had been wasted. Also, the greatest disservice had been done to every woman who might have a legitimate complaint in the future.

The stress that I experienced from trying to prove a negative took a great toll on me. I was facing ruin, not to mention loss of my freedom, no matter how short a period that might have been, or how long.

I hear people say all the time that if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear from the police. Such naïveté is wonderful. I can only hope for them that they are not personally rocked out of this state of being.

In the case that I have described here I am only too happy to agree that I did not become a victim of the system. But that is down to one young detective, whom I will never, ever forget for his compassion and concern for my well-being. Normally I would have been led off in handcuffs and thrown in jail. If it later turned out that it was all a mistake, well, that’s just too bad, innit!

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

More Violence in the Home - Murder!

Murder, or Double Jeopardy?

I have been following the strangest murder trial I have ever heard of. The case involves a 26-year old young woman defendant charged with committing the murder of her violent boyfriend.

One of the reasons that this case is so outstanding is that she was firstly a victim of physical abuse from a violent man. What a mess for a young woman to walk into. To fall in love with a man who turns out to be a person who somehow feels he has the right to physically beat her into submission. Unfortunately, this is a tale that is far too common. It is also not all that uncommon for the abuser in relationships to be either male or female.

What is at work in the thinking of the person who assumes the role of the Top over the Bottom? Is it such a human thing for one person to have to lord it over another, and is it about simple and raw power?

Back to this particular tale of alleged murder: Her story was that on the night in question, he came into her home, and as usual for him, began knocking her around. There had been an earlier incident outside the home that had sent him into a jealous frenzy, and he had come into the home pumped up. She said that things got out of hand with him punching her, and pulling her about the house by her hair.

The action moved to the darkened kitchen where he began choking her, having said that he felt like killing her while at the same time choking her. She said that she was fighting for her life, and while flailing around her hand touched some kind of kitchen utensil, which turned out to be a knife, which she slammed against his head, and in the process was plunged into his jugular.

He died of the wound! She claimed she was in a situation of self-defence, fighting for her life. His death was an unintentional consequence.

Given this scenario, a jury would simply have to decide whether this was a justifiable case of death at the hands of a woman struggling to save her own life from a man intent on taking her life; or whether it had to be determined an act of manslaughter.

Here, the case takes a most peculiar turn of events:

The prosecution chose to charge her with murder, that is to say, the unlawful taking of a human life, with malice aforethought. That was strange to begin with, given her story, but the outline of their case as to what had taken place was even curiouser. Without producing a single witness to describe the chain of events they allege, prosecution contend that during the altercation that took place that night she broke away from him and went to the kitchen to take up the knife with the intent of ending his life.

According to them, he fled into the bedroom and closed the door, but did not have time to lock it. Instead, he held the door against her by pushing back against it with his back to the door. He had also, they said picked up their baby and was holding her. On the other side, they alleged, she tried to get into the bedroom but could not budge the door. Instead, in a fit of rage she began stabbing the door. Several of the knife thrusts were so powerful that they penetrated the wooden door, and one went through and into the man’s neck and jugular. (The door was produced for the jury.)

This, the prosecution maintained amounted to the calculated murder of a man.

This scenario is, in my mind so bizarre that I fully expect Hollywood writers to take up the idea to be made into a movie, if they haven’t already done something like it. Sounds like something right out of the “Chucky” movies, or the Friday the Thirteenth series, or Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in “The Shining”, exclaiming, “Honey, I’m Home!”

It is simply impossible to murder someone by finding their jugular vein on the opposite side of a solid wooden door. If it happened at all that way, it would have been a very lucky strike, (or unlucky for the victim). And if some of the previous strikes saw the blade coming all the way through the door, you might think the man would have moved his neck out of the way. It could hardly be calculated as a method to murder. However, had she a gun, knowing that he was on the other side of the door, she could have fired several shots at random places and angles to be fairly sure that at least one would find its target. We know this can be done because we have seen it in the movies.

Was this a case of a very sympathetic prosecution making up a circumstance no jury could convict on, as they had probably concluded that this young woman had suffered enough and should be sent home to be a mother to her children. Unfortunately she stuck to her story that events had taken place as she described them, and the jury concluded that her actions amounted to manslaughter.

Thus, she, as the original victim suffered from double jeopardy, the being put at risk twice. Now she sits in jail.

I wish it were as simple as saying to other victims of abuse that in order to avoid this type of end result, you should walk away when the abuse first starts. Perhaps you might allow the first episode on the firm understanding that a repeat and you’re out.

When abuse is allowed to continue to be repeated over and over again, the one thing I believe the public cannot yet understand is the reason why the abused stays is because of love: Unless of course, it’s a love of abuse.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

In the News - A Week in March, 2008

simulation

Two things of significance happened during this week. The first was the resignation of the governor of New York State, Eliot Spitzer. It seems that Mr. Spitzer was a crusading prosecutor who made his name, and eventually led to his election as governor by going after a number of people who were active in, among other things, the sex business. He called himself a steamroller, so ruthless was he in taking down prominent people, that he felt he deserved his nickname.

But the governor had a secret. He probably had many secrets, but they are now coming out in the open. While he was busy taking down accused people and earning his reputation, it seems that he was doing the same types of things. This man held the public’s trust while at the same time thumbing his nose. How arrogant was that?

There are an awful lot of people rejoicing at his downfall. Parties will be in full swing for many weeks to come. His fall from grace is expected to be only the beginning. There will be the inevitable lawsuits, the books, the movie. Where can he go to hide? He said something about healing his marriage. What marriage is that? As they say in New York, “For-ged-about-eet!

His greatest sin, it seems, was in paying for sex with prostitutes. In this regard, America is centuries behind Europe. There are countries in Europe where if you are not paying for sex with prostitutes you are not doing your part in upholding the local economy. America is still puritan by comparison. Europe has forged so far ahead in a healthy attitude to the naked body and to sex. In some places, it’s illegal to have sex on the street, but not absolutely everywhere. But, in the main, the attitude is, please, everybody, have sex.

Mr. Spitzer is having his Karma. Maybe he didn’t believe in it before, but I bet he does now. Whatever happens will be his just desserts, but I would like to ask the next big shot who gets caught with his pants down one thing: Will you leave your poor wife home. Please don’t drag her before the cameras so that we get to see the face of a very embarrassed and disappointed person. It’s been done.

However, in the event my request is ignored I would like to see the following happen: When you are done delivering your ridiculous statement, and you’re about to leave the microphones, that’s when I would like to see your wife step up and say to the astonished press and world: “Did you, Ladies and gentlemen, really think I came here to be further humiliated in person and in silence? The real reason why I’m here is to speak my peace, which is as follows……..


Financial Settlement between Sir Paul McCartney and Heather:

It has been reported that an agreement has been reached finally in that Heather is to receive Fifty Million pounds as a full and final settlement to wind up the marriage. I’m writing this as a follow-up to an earlier title of mine, which was, speaking about divorce financial settlements: “ Is 50% always Fair?”

There have been some very messy splits and some astronomical amounts awarded to the spouse that didn’t hold the purse strings. We read these accounts, and our mouths drop open and the debates begin as to how could she, usually she, but it could just as easily be a he, be worth it?

What did our Heather do to warrant a payday of ₤50 million? Well, probably nothing. She didn’t do the dishes; she didn’t have to cook; didn’t do laundry; didn’t do anything worth ₤50 million. The only thing she did do was to make love to her husband and to make him happy, but I doubt that a price tag has been calculated using that as a formula. At least I hope not!

It all comes down to what is reasonable and fair when the split comes, and what the one with the purse can afford to share. In this case she has been introduced to a standard of living that the Courts feel she is entitled to continue to enjoy. This is only newsworthy because there is so much money involved. But in the real world, settlements happen every day and nobody is happy. Ruin for all concerned is the result of the disaster that is the marriage break-up. In many cases it would appear that the wife and children get the best of the deal, and for sure, some men go into absolute penury as a result.

None of that gets reported, only the really huge awards do because of the shock value and envy. Usually the one with the purse still gets to hold on to more than enough to continue living well. But the real question for Sir Paul and Heather is: “What now?”

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

What about Swinging?

Firstly, the topic of Swinging as a life style choice is just about the most misunderstood subject in the world, and was readily ridiculed by more than 90% of the people I dared to speak to about it.

I freely confess to being a sceptic, however, after discussing the topic with someone whose opinion I respect, and who is gifted with a super sense of logic and good sense, I have concluded that there are perhaps some redeeming aspects to the practise of The Swinging Lifestyle, and if understood might actually keep some marriages together that otherwise would go the way of so many others.

What is Swinging? It is non-monogamous sexual practise involving three or more people, but not necessarily together at the same time
Who is ideally suited? Married couples whose own intimate lives together have dried up, but for significant reasons need to keep the framework of the marriage together.
Main objections? Moral and philosophical, but not necessarily religious.

The Swinging Lifestyle is widely practised in countries around the world to such a degree that this treatment of the topic will come as no surprise or enlightenment to many who read it. In other words, it’s more common than one might think. There are openly advertised swingers clubs, and there are private arrangements.

These are modern times, and this is a subject for very mature adults only. Essentially, The Lifestyle is presumably seen as a solution to a problem, but because of the intimate nature of the action it can also lead to other problems. In times past the practise was that of going to a party and throwing your car key in the pot. The women chose a key, but the atmosphere was always depicted as being very severe.

The norm is that of male-female couples getting together for the objective of swapping partners for sexual gratification. A common age group will be the over forties, mainly because these will be people who have had a long-term relationship, perhaps started in their early twenties, and their sex lives have become worn out with repetition and sameness. To spice up their lives and overcome boredom they trust each other, and to avoid deceit they mutually agree to engage with other couples in the pursuit of pure pleasure.


Unlike engaging with another person in sex for payment, the practise of swinging can allow for emotions, and it seems to me that eventually you are going to engage with someone in this most intimate of human activities that will touch your heart, and you will feel genuine love, and that will break all the rules.

There are those couples that say they already have a good sex life together, but swinging enhances it. They say that by swinging they ward off the boredom factor. I stretch my imagination to try and understand how that works. Here you are, married with children, and on the surface everything else appears to be normal except once or twice a month you attend a party and go off with other people. Do you talk about it at home afterwards? And are you absolutely honest with each other?

There is one major consideration in all this, and that is that if one of the partners is not as completely convinced and committed as the other, I assume that disaster lies ahead. I would like to be the fly on the ceiling at the time the subject first comes up. Can we safely assume that it will always be the male to take the initiative? Probably not. It used to be called wife-swapping, but that term is no longer politically correct because it gives the mistaken impression that the wife simply does her husband’s bidding. Partner-swapping more properly reflects what takes place, especially where both people are mutually enthusiastic.

However, I am convinced that when one’s wife agrees to it, she does not do so for her husband’s sake. She has to see that there is something in it for her as well, and she is entitled to be selfish. It may be that the husband got them started, but it will be the wife who keeps them in it.

There is such a wide variety of clubs and participants that the rules are bound to be complex across the spectrum. The most uncomplicated are those clubs that are based on non-discriminatory couples only, but then there are some groupings that welcome single women on their own, and discourage single men without women partners.

As with any intimate activity of this sort there will be the ever-present dangers of sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy. These are dangers great enough on their own to cool passions, but I think the greatest danger of all is that sooner or later you will meet that someone who you will not be able to shake from your mind, and the thing that you tried to avoid of your marriage breaking up will go that route anyway.

Of course, it can be argued that you had all that fun in the meantime. And now that you begin a new life with your new partner, will you be expected to continue to Swing?

Life can be so complicated at times!


Copyright © 2008

Eugene Carmichael

BDSM

Bondage, Domination, & Sadomasochism


Upon having read Stephen King’s very excellent book, “Gerald’s Game” I found this to be an introduction to the very different world of Bondage. Basically the premise of the book is that Gerald takes his wife to their remote cottage in the woods, and he handcuffs her to the bed in the interests of fun sex play. We don’t get to share in what he had in mind because at that crucial moment, Gerald chooses to die, leaving his wife between a rock and a very hard place indeed.

But the story got me to thinking about a sub-world that does exist, providing a very different lifestyle from the norm. Firstly, I wondered about the person who permits himself or herself, indeed offers themselves to be totally incapacitated, in the interest of sexual game playing. I tried to look into the mind of such a person, and to ask why?

Presumably this is all in the pursuit of sexual thrills and the ever more elusive climax. Is it that when people allow themselves to be in such a position that something should happen that they would not otherwise permit. Such as some violation or outrageousness to take them to a place that they would not normally, and voluntarily go. Are they looking to be terrified and then brought back from the brink unharmed?

Right along with such a scene goes the question, “at what point does the action cross over into assault or rape?”

As long as I stayed with the submissive person I thought we were on fairly safe territory, at least from that person’s perspective, but what happens when we cross over to the one who wants to put you completely under their power? How well can the submissive person know the other person, because I really wonder what could be in the contemplation of such a person’s mind. If he or she wants the submissive completely helpless, rather than in a position of simple play-acting with an easy escape facility, what the hell could that person be planning?

While I make no judgements about such alternative lifestyles, other than they are not for me, I think it would be prudent for people who are intrigued and who may be thinking about getting into some of this action to get hold of some books on the topic and learn something about the lifestyle you may be entering.

For one thing, there’s a whole glossary to learn, and there are rules and approved conduct involved, such as “You can hurt, but you must not harm.” (How does that work?)

You might like to Google “Masters and Slaves” for a start. Be prepared for a real eye opener. I really would like to get into some details, but somehow I feel that I would be invading the privacy of the lifestyle in this column by doing so, without any real purpose.

Suffice it to say that these are consenting adults making free choices, and they seem to get something significant from the life. Even those people who contract themselves to a Master to be their slave on a 24/7 basis seem pleased to serve, and to give their gift, as they call it, to those who control them, so, who am I to be negative. A case of whatever turns you on, I suppose.

If you’re interested there are almost unlimited books to help introduce you to that special world. The important thing is to go in with your eyes wide open.

One more thing: Happy camping and Good Luck!

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

More Violence in the Home

I was in the midst of doing a simple task that we all must do, that being taking out the trash to the bins at the entrance to our estate. But on this day that simple task became overshadowed by a very disturbing incident that I would like to share with you, as it is definitely a cautionary tale.

What I observed was an attack in progress by a woman upon her male partner. I have no way of knowing what provoked it, but she was very belligerent in her verbal attacks. They had arrived in a van, and he had obviously stopped and got out to try and get away from her. Every time he took a step she was in his path and in his face. For his part, he was really enraging her by not engaging with her in the argument. He simply kept quiet and tried to walk away, but she was having none of it.

She started to demand that he give her the mobile phone. He then got back in the van and started to drive forward when she jumped in and started tearing the van to pieces. Anything that she could dislodge she ripped off and threw it out. He again stopped the van and got out and began to walk away, but he attempted to place a call. She simply went ballistic. It turned out that he was calling the police, and that’s when she got very physical, punching him, and scratching him.

She then tried to throw him to the ground, but the plan backfired when she missed her kick and lost her footing and down she went into the dirt. Now she became a screaming banshee, kicking, punching, throwing dirt at him, and yelling great obscenities, all of which drew a small group of spectators. A couple of people went to his aid, and for their efforts they attracted her venom.

Finally, there arrived a lone policeman in his car. Instead of calming her down she became even more outraged, flying at the policeman even before he got out of his car. He called for backup, and there came the Guardia Civil, who were left with no alternative but to forcefully put her in handcuffs and march her off to jail.

While I have no idea of what set her off, I take my hat off to her partner who was severely provoked to defend himself by striking back. However, therein lies the problem for a man: no matter how badly he is provoked by a woman, he cannot physically strike back, as he would were his attacker another man without drawing down the ire of the law that seems to hold that under no circumstances is a man justified by striking a woman.

This is an intolerable situation for men because there are many very capable women of inflicting great harm upon whomever they decide to hit. That a man is expected to stand there, as I watched the man who was attacked, and hold your arms out wide and let her rain down the blows, including scratching and kicking, drawing blood in the process is, in my view, taking the men-woman situation too far. Everyone is entitled to defend himself or herself.

The man in this tale never laid a hand on her in anger. He was a model of restraint, and took a severe beating from her. Let no one mistake her capability in causing pain and suffering. I happen to regard women as equal to men. If they do not have the natural upper body strength, there are other ways that they can do their damage.

By this piece, I pay homage to a man who, under very trying conditions set the example of how to deal with a situation of this magnitude. He had to be one in a million, as she was really demanding that he pop her one. Fortunately for him he didn’t, and the police could see that, and they congratulated him.

What would have been better is that the incident had not happened at all. It was one of the ugliest that I have seen in a long time. What I am particularly pleased about is that my suggestion to families is: Don’t Provoke, Don’t Hit! He was severely provoked, but he didn’t hit back. What I don’t know is what provoked her.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

How Nice to meet You (IV)

We are exploring an effective way to market oneself when trying to attract that special person on the Internet. Most dating services limit severely what you can say about yourself, which is a pity because what most people say is that they are perfect, and completely without flaws. However, women are usually a little better than men, in that they do include a little more of their personalities in the piece. Men usually say what their professions are, and list the kind of woman they are seeking, and that’s it.

In part three I was challenged to write a profile for a woman that would really give the reader an insight into her personality. This week I will have a go at helping the guys.

“Hello, my name is William, but I prefer to be called Bill. I’m 54 years of age, in good health, and I’m in search of one Good Woman.

“ I am divorced, and we have one child between us, with whom I maintain a reasonable relationship. I work as a builder, and that takes up a fair bit of my time. You could say that I’m a very uncomplicated person, a” meat and potatoes” type of man. I like pub people and the social scene that goes with the pub, however, on most nights you are likely to find me at home resting after a hard day’s work. A woman who shares an appreciation of the same home and pub style of life would be a great companion to me.

“I have made some mistakes in my former marriage, like over-doing the drinking, and taking the missus for granted, but I’m determined to learn from those mistakes and I will avoid them in the future. I think that if we don’t learn from our mistakes, then what was the point.

“My attitude towards women is one of respect, but I would like to be depended upon as provider and protector, as that is the role that I think I should play in a relationship.

“One other thing: I’m as gentle as a lamb and as cuddly as a bear.”

I think that this description is succinct and to the point. We know that Bill is middle aged and is probably looking to settle down again with a woman who is also looking for a relationship that could lead to a settled situation. She can see that our Bill is a blue collar, down to earth type, who is probably steady as a rock. At age 54 he is a little older but definitely wiser as he seems to have learned from his past mistakes. He at least is willing to acknowledge them, and that is the mandatory first step to improvements.

He hasn’t bothered to detail what kinds of music he likes, and what movies he watches. All that will come out in the general discussions. By adding that he is a gentle man, a woman who might be concerned about that is encouraged to respond. In fact, I suspect our Bill may be spoiled for choices. There are many lonely hearts in the world who deserve a companion. There are also a lot of lonely hearts who deserve their status, the problem is trying to sort out the good from the bad as applies to each individual.

Life is not a rehearsal. We only get to live it once, and when today passes into yesterday we can do nothing about retrieving any of that time to either correct mistakes, or to relive it. So, if you are sitting alone in your home hoping that something will happen, it probably won’t. You have to make it happen. There are no guarantees in life, such as you will never have your heart broken again. You take your chances, and Good Luck!


Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

How Nice to Meet You! (Part Three)

Well, now I seem to have gone and put my foot right in it up to the thigh. In the first part of this thread several of you thought that I was making fun of the way that you present yourselves in your Personal Adverts. Busted! I was sort of doing just that because everyone seems to be saying the same subjective things about themselves, and no one has any flaws or blemishes whatsoever. Can that be right?

I repeat that I support the medium of turning a lonely existence into one where two people find companionship and even love. However, the system is open to abuse and the scammers are all around, so one has to be on guard and use common sense. Take things slowly, and one step at a time. A lot of criteria should be met before taking the brakes off.

There are a lot of people who are genuine lonely hearts looking for long-term, preferably permanent relationships. The amazing thing is that often the ideal person that you may be looking for might live just a few doors along from you. This is one way of finding each other.

My criticism is directed towards the presentation of the information about the advertising person. Maybe it’s the fault of the service that restricts the number of words that can be used to describe yourself. I have been challenged to write a better personal advert since I have dared be a critic.

I’m not personally looking for a mate on the Internet, but if I were here’s some of what I hope you would tell me. In this case I’m going to put myself in the place of Maria who is looking for a friend.

“ Hello, my name is Maria. I am 48 years of age, divorced with two lovely daughters who are so precious and intelligent, ages 13, and 16. Unfortunately things went sour between their father and I, but we maintain a cordial and respectful relationship as we have the common interest of our daughters. However, he has moved on with his life, and he now supports my efforts in doing the same.

“I enjoy my career as a graphic artist with a national magazine, and that, together with caring for my daughters gives me almost all the fulfilment I need. Missing from my life is a good friend to share those special moments that turn the good into great.

“I live in downtown Valencia which I enjoy for the convenience of the theatre, cinema, good restaurants and concerts. We also take full advantage of the outdoors in the park and the beach.

“ I am not afraid to try new things. Some are quite tame I suppose, such as riding bicycles with my daughters, but if you could see how uncoordinated I am on two wheels you would have to laugh. At least I am out of the house and doing something to get fit and stay fit. I have also taken up walking in the country through the excellent Senderismo program offered by the city of Valencia. My girls and I have come to regard this as an essential interest, and although it still hurts after a full day’s exercise I do feel good.

“I am not without friends, as I enjoy a wide circle of really good social support, but I am looking outside that group for one special person. That person could be you, but I would first value your respect for me as a person, never to be taken for granted. I would value in you sensitivity and maturity, kindness and the highest regard for my daughters. You would not be asked to assume the role of their father as he discharges those duties in a most loving way.

“You also would not be asked to move in with us as I believe that might place undue stress on what is a delicate balance. My daughters have the encouragement of my ex-husband to help me settle my personal life again, so that’s not the problem. But there’s no pressure to go to that level right away.

“ I am also not a smoker, I enjoy alcohol, mostly wine at dinner in modest quantities, and I strongly disapprove of recreational drugs. It is essential that the people I associate with share those views.

So! If you are looking, you now have a pretty good idea of who Maria is and whether you have anything to offer her. If she only said that she was friendly, liked to go out, liked the movies, etc, so what? Most people do. What do you think? Does this work any better?

On the whole, women do a much better job of introducing themselves to the world. Men need a lot of help, so I shall have a go of presenting a good profile of a man next week. Its all about marketing, you see.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Violence in the Home - Summary

The bibliographies on the causes of violence in the home reflect that this is a huge subject, and perhaps one of the most complex known to mankind. Perhaps also, when reduced to the simplest common denominator it is one of the most uncomplicated. How can this be?

I was going to delve deeply into the statistics and make a great in-depth study, but it has all been done before, and is readily available on the Internet. Consequently, I can see no real value in my reinventing the wheel.

Instead my approach is to ask what happens when two or more people are gathered together in some form of unit, be it employment, family, sporting organisation, or whatever? I think that there is a natural tendency towards a power struggle and control. In two-person type relationships we speak of give and take. In practically all other multi-person groupings we can work toward the will of the majority, or be guided by a plain old-fashioned dictatorship.

I think that at the heart of the problem of violence in the home is a common flaw in the makeup of humans. The need for us to hold power and dominion over others drives us towards behaviour that is anti-social. For either a man or woman to demand to always be seen to be right by their family members, especially when they are patently wrong, is arrogant and just plain immature. When father or mother declare themselves as the family head, and have to be obeyed without question, and insist that no idea can be a good idea unless it is their idea, that is an awesome responsibility to assume.

There are many examples of such families where high economic status and community respect has been achieved, but the family unit is a disaster. One does not have to look too far for well-publicised examples in many prominent families.

Some families do get it right, of course, and no doubt they all have their own methodology of maintaining peace and harmony. I assume that a common factor among them is mutual respect for each other’s opinions, and a conscious determination to live and let live. This is not always easy, but no one promised it would be.

This series has been about violence in the home. It has not attempted to counsel upon the causes; nor has it suggested that there has to be complete agreement on all things within the family. However, a good first step would be to agree, amicably not to agree.

Above all, adoption of the “Don’t Provoke – Don’t Hit” mantra, I believe, is the key. That is what ultimately keeps the peace in the family.

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Violence in the Home-Patricia's Story

The Nightmare







This is a story about Patricia and Danny. These are not their real names as indeed this is an account of several troubled households. It is particularly hoped that people who abuse their families will read this cautionary tale.

“My husband Danny is dead now. He died in 2004 as a result of a massive stroke. It was not his first stroke. The first time was in 2000, and the result was he went from being a burly, healthy, violent bastard of a man to being a cripple who needed everything done for him.

“Our story began when we were both in high school. We fell in love and as a result of our sexual experimentation I fell pregnant. Our families went wild and we were forced into getting married. I was nineteen when I became pregant and he was twenty. It was clear from the start that he didn’t want to be married with a family. He blamed me and accused me of trapping him. The violence came straight away, even while I was pregnant. We were both Catholic, so contraception was out of the question. Consequently, when we had sex, I became pregnant.

“Finally, at child number five we simply stopped having sex. He got his gratification from prostitutes and made no secret about it. I cannot imagine a man who did not want the cards that life had dealt him more than our Danny. He absolutely detested his family, and to him I was the one to blame for all his troubles.

“I will say right here that he was partly right. I was actually very happy on finding out I was pregnant on that first occasion. I had not deliberately done anything behind his back to make it happen. He was as enthusiastic for us to have sex, and he took no precautions of his own to avoid pregnancy. The difference was that I wanted us to be a family. He simply felt trapped.

“The irony is that instead of abandoning us, he stayed and made for him a bad situation worse with yet more mouths to feed. His reaction was to strike out at us. He did not need any specific reason to do so. He would explode at us when he was stone cold sober as well as when he was drunk.

“He beat us all from the time he thought the children were old enough to take it, with me as his favourite punching bag. You hear of men who do things like this, then apologize afterward. Danny never apologized once while the beatings were taking place. He used his vocal power to call me everything derogatory in the book.

“Then came March, 2000. It was a Saturday night when he came back from the pub. I made certain that all the children were out of harm’s way, as usual, and braced myself to take my beating by having had several whiskies. I had found that to be an acceptable anaesthetic. He came in the house like a charging lion and came straight for me. He was fully engaged in knocking me around when suddenly he seemed to become disoriented and started bumping into things on his own. And then, he went crashing down, just like a lion brought down by a shotgun. And then, all was quiet. I could not believe what I was seeing.

“After a while I called for an ambulance. At the hospital I was told he had suffered a major stroke and that he would probably need to be institutionalised, as he would be virtually helpless. Although he would retain much of his mental faculties, his motor functions were kaput. I said that I would take him home to be with his family. We would cope somehow. If he could have heard those words he should have been terrified.

“The next four years were pay-back time, and I took every opportunity to extract my due, and that of my children from the beast. I say this without shame that he got what he had given, multiplied ten-fold. The children hated him and never let him forget it. I had come to regard him as the most evil man that walked the faced of the earth. The neighbours even said how much they enjoyed hearing him crying.

“I shall spare you the details because I am not proud of what we did. Indeed, you may ask how does what we did make us any better? Well, it didn’t make us any better, but hopefully, in his sick mind it made us his worst nightmare.

“Finally, in 2004 he had another killer stroke. We wanted him to live on to fully reap the whirlwind that he had created. One thing is very certain; that the countless times he said he was sorry was sincere. He was sorry he had been reduced to the helpless pathetic person he was; he was sorry he was no longer capable of harming his family; and he was sorry he was at our mercy. I will not believe that he was sorry to have been such a swine to us.

“We didn’t kill him, we only made him wish he was dead.”

The moral of the story is:

If you are an abuser, (male or female) remember you are only temporarily able-bodied to hurt the ones you are supposed to love and protect. While you have your health and strength, you would do better to build up credits with your family so that when you need to rely on them the support will be there, and it will be given without reservation and with love. If nothing else, you are getting older with every passing day. Old age itself brings less independence. In other words, be nice!





Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Violence in the Home (III)

I happened to run into a friend on the street, and we got to talking about what was happening in each other’s lives, as you do when you haven’t seen one another for some time.. Then we got into “For Men’s Eyes Only” and I was explaining the role I thought this column has to play and some of the topics that are being covered, such as “Violence in the Home”. He responded, “What about it?” Judging by the way a cloud came over his face and the tenor of his voice in asking the question, I quickly concluded that I had a hold of a live wire.

He wanted to challenge me, but by me insisting that I was only going to be the listener I came to gain an insight into the mind of this particular abuser. What follows are the opinions of this individual.

The Objective

It is all about respect. A man is the head of his family. In his own home he is to be treated as lord and master. All before him shall bow down and pay homage. His wife shall do her duty always and she must show deference in the way that she talks to him, and in the things that she says; in the way that she dresses for him, in the manner of her submission to him. She must even take care to affect the proper walk, showing a total lack of confidence and self-assurance.

To his children he is all. He is the fountain of all knowledge, and where he contradicts their teachers and other relatives, he is to be regarded as being right and correct. What takes place in his house is absolutely to be of no concern to any other person, including the authorities, or his church.

History

He was one of a family of thirteen children and the family environment was the same as that which he has chosen for his own family. In his father’s family the children were always deeply respectful of both parents, and his trouser belt was the enforcer. Someone always seemed to be receiving a flogging for something or the other, such was the strictness of the family regime. Whenever one of the children did something that displeased their mother, the most dreaded words she could say was, “just you wait until your father comes home!” The child would begin to cry from that moment, and usually it got worse the closer to the time when the father would be expected home.

Supporting Environment

The most important factor in the continuance of the abuse was the support of the family’s religious beliefs and the church to which they belonged. The Church elders always preached that the role of the husband and father was indisputable, no doubt reinforcing their own positions, and that the manner in which the man of the house saw fit to discipline his family was his concern alone.

He said that his wife once went home to her mother, saying that she could no longer take his treatment. Her mother, whom she had said she had witnessed taking a beating on many occasions, simply called in the head of the church and a couple of elders, and they prayed over her. Then they called her husband to come and take her back home. When he got her home he simply had to lay down the law with her.

Discipline

No week should be allowed to pass without all of the family receiving at least one visit with the strap, so as to ensure that no-one forgot, not even for a minute who was boss. This was especially so in case his wife had been watching Oprah Winfrey or some other person who would fill her head with nonsense. However, he insisted that in the case of all of the discipline that he dished out, it was done with a loving, considerate and velvet hand. It was God’s Will that the man be strong and reliable.

His personal relationship with his wife

He insisted that his wife loved him totally. She showed it in every thing that she did. She maintained the home according to his standard and never wavered by either doing more than was expected, nor falling short. When they were out in public she walked in the shadow of him, and she made sure that he would be proud. She never looked at another man.

Whenever he wanted her sexually she was always there for him to do his bidding.

Would he ever change, or could he accept that he might be wrong to treat human beings as though they were his personal slaves?

“No!”


Copyright (c) 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Women who Hit! How Crazy is That?

Let not the woman be the one to draw first blood! She can then be said to be the author of her own misfortune. (EwC)

I once tried to have a conversation with an administrator of a woman’s refuge group. I prefaced my remarks with the statement that I wanted to help because I have sisters and daughters, and I wouldn’t like it one bit if they were the victims of abuse.

I said that the fact that the woman’s group were tarring every man with the same brush made it difficult for me to come forward to try to be of assistance. Her response was to vent on me her vitriol and personal bias.

I was trying to say that by placing men in the position of always being the villains of the piece, devious women would take advantage of that. Life is never so simple where we can say that always one gender will be the victim, and the other the aggressor. Administrator of women's groups should know that, and if they don't they are adding to the problem.

The fact of the matter is that there are women who strike out at everybody in the house, including their husbands, and I believe that we are not talking about isolated incidents. I read of some accounts on the internet where men found themselves dealing with women like that, and not knowing how to handle the situation they went to a woman’s group for advice, and were simply not believed. They were treated as the enemy behind the lines.

When it’s the man who is the victim of an abusive female partner he is faced with an even greater problem than that faced by women. A strong woman can strike back even causing physical harm, and the chances are that he will not go to the police out of shame and embarrassment. But the minute he gets fed up and strikes her, the whole apparatus kicks into place and automatically condemns him as the abuser.

Men and women are protected under the same laws against assault and battery. Both sexes have a human right to be safe and secure in their own home. Men should be proactive and prosecute women abusers openly, and they need not feel embarrassed to do so. If he finds himself living with a crazy woman who will not get help, then by all means feed her into the judicial system. This is the only legal way that he can strike back at her. Anything else and he leaves himself wide open to have the tables turned on him.

Common sense tells us that there will likely be abusers of both genders, and that this is not a female-only problem. This is a family problem and it will take people of both sexes of good will to try and effectively deal with it.

Women can say do not hit me a million times to men, but the message is far more effective if it comes from a man who says, “Guys, it’s in our own best interest not to hit our woman. Once you hit her you lose all sympathy. Don’t do it!” Above all, don’t let her manipulate you into doing it, because once you have done so, she’s in complete control.”

There will be those women who will have an agenda that is in place from the time that they meet a particular man, and part of the plan is to set him up for the fall. She will depend on his cooperation by getting him to strike her. If he refuses to fall into the trap, then he should beware, she may actually get someone else to deliberately beat her up so that she can blame it on him. It’s important to watch for such signs of determination.

Going back to the administrator of the woman’s group, I have some empathy with her because everyday she will have to deal with women victims of male abuse. However, I expect a professional to have training and an open mind, because often things are not what they seem.

Lately, there is growing violence that is committed lesbian against lesbian. Hopefully it is beginning to sink in that the perpetrator can be of either gender.

My main concern is, when men are placed in a corner and automatically labelled as the villain, there may be an over-reaction if he does lash out due to provocation. If he knows that his whole future is lost because of that one incident he may decide “in for a penny, in for a pound!” That would be the worst scenario of all.

I would like to think that with education these types of problems will be greatly reduced. However, they will never be entirely eliminated as long as masochists are attracted to sadists.

Would you like to add to this topic. E-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com

Copyright © 2008 Eugene Carmichael

Men who Hit. Why?

If you are a person who beats your wife, inflicting upon her bruising, swelling, cuts and even broken bones, can you reasonably expect the public to embrace you with respect and honour, and to sympathise with you, no matter what was your motivation or provocation?

So, you’re an abuser. You beat your wife and children and the dog on a regular basis. You’re one angry dude, that much is apparent, but why? You must know that is not considered normal behaviour. You must know that when the truth becomes known among your circle you are despised and ostracized by men and women alike.

Often, after an incident you apologise and ask for forgiveness, so you know it’s wrong, yet you continue on with a sustained campaign of terror that is second to none. No-one other than you knows what you get out of it, and only you know how cold your heart can be to inflict such pain and suffering on the very people you are supposed to love and protect. What drives you? Where does the hate come from, and just as important what sustains it? Are you an abnormal monster?

Do you really believe that by smashing your wife’s face in that you are being a man? I certainly hope not! No man has ever gained in stature and popularity by beating up women and children.

This column cannot, and it will never condone such wilful and bestial behaviour. Perhaps if we can understand the forces at work that push you to do the things that you do, help can be sought to bring peace to you and your family. For instance, I have talked to someone like you. In this case the man volunteered that he and his wife were sick and in need of serious counselling.

Case history No. 1
Violence for Sex

A neighbour of a couple who fought regularly brought them to my attention. The neighbour was so affected by their behaviour that he sought counselling for himself and his own family. I was introduced to the couple and they received me most graciously. We had a normal-type interview and they were not reluctant to discuss the situation, although both insisted that their private lives were in reality nobody’s business.

They had been married for just over twenty-five years but they did not have any children. They had found that they would go through what they described as “dry patches” in their marriage when they had nothing to say to each other, and life was boring in the extreme. Early in their marriage when they were going through such a period one person upset the other and a bit of pushing and shoving took place, but afterwards, they made up by making love. The love-making was exciting, not the boring auto-pilot stuff. Since then, when they feel the need to spice things up either one will push the other’s buttons and things get a little rowdy. They live for the part that follows.

The police have given up on them. He has been taken off to prison so many times, and she always comes after him. She never presses charges, no matter how badly beat up she is because half the time she started it and wanted it. The social services, the police, and the neighbours all agree that one day it will go too far and one of them will not rise to fight again. When I put this point to them, surprisingly, they acknowledged that most likely it will happen. And then he said this: “I love my wife unlike I could ever love another, and if that day should come when I strike her too hard, I will follow her to the grave, there and then.” She said, “the same goes for me.”

This is a case of extreme violence in the home where things get broken; the combatants get bruised and battered, the neighbours are distraught and everybody else is frustrated. Although the violence is there, and this guy is like you in that he does hit, perhaps his motivation is different.

Seemingly there is a mean element that is present in your motivation that is missing in theirs. I want to hear your story. I want to know your background, and I want to know whether you are truly troubled by the results of your behaviour.

There is even an incentive in stopping the violence that is in your own interest. Every day you grow older, and the time will probably come when you will desperately need the very people whom you treat so brutally. Remember also, what goes around, comes around. That is otherwise known as Karma.

Send me an e-mail at eugene.spain@gmail.com and let us discuss it. I will know your identity from the e-mail address, but I will not disclose that information to another soul.



Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Breaking the Circle of Violence in the Home

Don’t Provoke! -Don’t Hit!

What happens between the time of the wedding when everybody is full of smiles, and later when the police are called? What could possibly go so wrong? This is the question of the ages. The only thing that I can conclude for certain is that both partners are responsible for the success and happiness of their marriage, and both are responsible for the downfall and failure. Only the two partners, or combatants, can really know the full story, and even they will most likely be bewildered.

A person’s judgement as to their choice of partner is the major factor. So, where the “injured” party contends that they have done everything by the book to make a go of it, perhaps their only contribution to the disaster was simply their choice of partner.

In the event of forced marriages there should be no surprise when later things turn sour. There are so many stories of the bride or groom who change their minds on the wedding day, but who are forced to go through with it for their family to save face. (Not to mention that there are all those sandwiches already made). There is clearly a need for enlightenment to allow for the whole thing to be called off, even at such a late date. After all, the alternative is a known quantity, and a very sad statistic.

My advice to my fellow men is not to hit their wife/significant other, because the only thing that the public gets to see are the bruises. If there was provocation, we don’t get to see that. You might have been the long- suffering, hen-pecked to death, quiet gentleman. But when the going gets too tough, go out for a pack of cigarettes, whether you smoke or not. If it is a case of someone else trying to get you to ruin your life, do not cooperate! Just take the pain like a man, because our culture has arrived at the point where we have zero tolerance for the wife-beater.

Well, do men hate women? If so, in those cases that can be so described as such, where does such hatred come from? Let’s look at some extreme examples.

Case No. 1.

As a young boy, Stanley, (not his real name) was witness to a row between his mother and father where his mother told his father, (who Stanley adored) to get out of the house (that his father built with his own hands) for reasons that were never made clear. Thereafter, as his mother tried to stabilize her life Stanley had to endure a parade of “uncles” going in and out of his house. So Stanley grew up with a gigantic chip on his shoulder that he was never able to confront his mother over. But he developed a suspicion of all women, and mostly he was angry with women because if his mother behaved in that manner, surely all women were like that.

So, in his dealing with women he holds a lot of pent-up anger and hostility. He is likely to be the one to get drunk on a Saturday night and explode at home over the slightest triviality. Stanley needs major and urgent help!

Case No. 2.

Albert, (not his real name) is a conservative and shy person. He is a hard worker, a pillar of the community, very naïve in many ways, but a real family man. What he needs to round out his life is the love of a good woman, but unfortunately Albert is a bad judge of character. Consequently he doesn’t see the cunning, scheming Jezebel coming for him. She sees him as an easy mark to rip off. They marry and after a suitable “honeymoon” period she proceeds to turn his life upside down through provocation, goading him to hit her so that she could fire up her planned program, called “Operation Strip-him-clean”. When he finally hit her in the blind rage that she authored he stood to lose everything. His job, civic standing, reputation, money, house, his whole way of life. She stood to gain it all, which was the very objective. This is where it becomes very dangerous because some men might reason that since they were ruined anyway, what do they have to lose. “In for a penny, in for a pound”. What could happen next is likely to be serious mayhem.

Violence in the home is not just men against women. I am concerned about all forms, such as:
- women to men; there are many women who are violent aggressors. These people might have borne witness to maltreatment of their mothers by their fathers.
- women to women, in the case of lesbian couples;
- men to men, in the case of homosexual couples. In both these scenarios the couples might even be legally married.
- Siblings to siblings. Children need to be taught early about anger management.
- Parents against children. When does a physical response cross the line from discipline and become abuse?
- Children against parents. This might otherwise be called Elder abuse. A recent example was the case of a daughter who took her 92 year-old mother into the city and left her holding on to a railing at the side of the road, allegedly quite deliberately, and never to return.
- And then there is care-giver abuse of children or the very elderly.

Violence in the home in many cases has to be unlearned. It can be the result of custom: abused as a child, abuser as an adult. (Hence the circle of violence.) The saddest sight is that of a man beating his son when the son is just like his dad. I say the man should simply go beat himself up.

In summary, to those people who quite rightly call for the cessation of violence against women, I agree, but I ask how soon do we start the process? To everybody else I suggest a one-size fits all approach. That is, Don’t Provoke! Don’t Hit! I repeat, Don’t Provoke! Don’t Hit! Try anger management instead. Admittedly it will not be easy, but we cannot go through life beating up everybody. A simple, unisex, easy-to-live by, very easy slogan to remember: Don’t Provoke! Don’t Hit!

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Domestic Violence

Actors/models pictured

Domestic Violence
(Violence in the Home)

Firstly, I want to re-title this as “Violence in the Home” as I believe that the title “Domestic Violence” is trivialised as being of less importance than violence in the street

It is the topic that no-one dares to mention around the cocktail circuit, nor in the office at the water cooler. On those odd occasions when courageous folk do bring it out into the light it is discussed in hushed tones.

With this title we begin a series on this important topic. I have collected ample anecdotal evidence from the female victims of violence in the home. I need to hear from male victims, and from elders who are abused. It would also be especially helpful to hear from abusers themselves, male and female.

When we think of violence in the home the common assumption is that of men-against-women. The male has been made out to be the automatic villain of the piece. Life is just not that simple, is it?

Let me start this discussion by stating that I am in favour of the elimination of all forms of violence in the home. That means men against women; women against women; men against men; (modern forms of marriage), children against children; parents against children; children against parents; (elder abuse); and everybody against the animals. The formula to follow to maintain such a desirable state of non-violence is simple: DO NOT PROVOKE / DO NOT HIT! This is a uni-sex formula and works separately and together.

DO NOT PROVOKE! This means, if you know that there is something that someone else does not like, something that upsets that person greatly, avoid pushing that particular button. (You would only do so if you really want to start trouble.)

DO NOT HIT! Someone has pushed your button, the one that sends you up like a rocket. Do Not Hit! Perhaps you are just having a bad hair day and someone has said or done something inadvertently or deliberately to upset you. Keep your hands to yourself. Go take a walk to calm down. Just think that if you were at the office would you lash out and slug your boss or a co-worker. Of course you wouldn’t. You would most probably lose your job. So, what makes you think its O.K. to hit your family? (This question is addressed to either a man or a woman.)

This simplistic formula does not even begin to tackle the causes of violence in the home. The issues are most likely vast and complex, but the bottom line to a domestic violence-free zone is to live life observing those two principles. No matter which way we twist and turn the formula it all comes back to those same six little words.

When it occurs, violence against women in Spain is truly awful. Women are thrown from balconies, stabbed to death, thrown down several flights of stairs. They are beaten within an inch of their lives and made to suffer injuries more grave than a heavyweight boxer can inflict.

What is going on here? Some say that the problem is that we are seeing Spain in transition. Macho Spanish man finds himself being challenged by historically, usually compliant women. His status as El Jefe, (the boss) is threatened and he is bewildered and confused. It is a thing of honour. No woman may speak to a man like that! Let me hasten to add that the perpetrators of all this violence are people of many nationalities.

Men! We simply cannot go around punching every person who disagrees with us. This is a statement of the obvious. I personally think the problem begins the moment two people form a relationship. That’s when the power game starts. One of those two people will want to be dominant. It is human nature. What happens next will severely test the personal skills of both individuals to cope, although more than likely only one person becomes the relationship saviour by steering them through the rough passages. The other is blissfully unaware. Life is about give and take. The delicacy of the dance is about knowing when to give, and when it’s your turn to take.

This scratches the surface of this thorny subject. With your help, let’s see if we can get into causes and effects, and suggested ways to deal our way around the problems without resorting to violence and abuse, both physical and mental. This is not meant to be a substitute for professional counselling. This is all about the collected wisdom in our opinions.

E-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com I would love to hear from you!




Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael