What do People Want?

This is a most intriguing question. There was a time when the answer would have been relatively simple, but in this, the age of the Internet, things have become quite a bit complicated.

It began with the “Personals” columns. People who simply could not find a friend any other way advertised that they would like to meet someone of similar interests in the hope of forming a friendship and some company. These were all very above-board, and they continue in this vein. No doubt that many people have found company and friendship, and even more. Trying to meet other people, short of joining all sorts of clubs, through newspaper and Internet dating clubs is a fairly efficient way to go.

No problems in this regards, except one still has to be careful when meeting the person behind the other ad.

What is taking my attention are those other and alternative lifestyles that get advertised along with the standards. It is here where I sit up and take notice of the desires of some very brave folk. Here are some examples:

- There are girls who are looking for female lovers, and boys who are looking for male lovers. Nothing especially noteworthy there.
- A married couple, ages 30 and 34, are looking for a bisexual woman to join them in their bed;
- A man, aged 40 years, is seeking a couple of ladies between the ages of 35 to 40, to join him in his bed. (Does he realize how much work that is?)
- A couple, ages 39 and 40 are looking for another couple about the same ages to love each other, sporadically;
- A 28 year-old female is looking for a married couple into whose home she seeks to move into for bisexual relations. (How long do we think it will take her to force the wife out?)
- A very common quest is for married couples seeking other married couples to share their sexual lives with. It seems to me that they should join one of the many Swinging Clubs that are popping up. Perhaps this is how so many clubs get started. Men, know one thing: if you can somehow find a way to put the suggestion to your wife that you and she should become swingers, if she agrees it will not be for your sake.
- The one that takes the prize is the advertisement from a middle age lady who is seeking the company of a small group of male friends, at least three at a time. She guarantees a good time will be had by all, and as well she considers that she pays well. (Crumbs! I wonder how large her mailbag is?).

So, what a brave new world it is in which we live. What will life be like 100 years from now?


Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Prostitutes are People Too!

I want to tell this story because it involves people who are, for the most part invisible. They stand around posing and encouraging men to buy their wares, but in doing so they are an embarrassment to the average person, men included.

So, we turn our heads away, or otherwise avert our eyes. But these are people who mostly find themselves in dire straits and they do what they do to survive. They find nothing whatsoever enjoyable about their profession, and they absolutely despise the men who use them, while at the same time they are grateful for the support.

My experience with prostitutes is most unusual, and is a story, I think, well worth telling because it does provide a certain insight that is rare.

While away from home I began taking my evening meals at a pub that was located in a certain commercial centre. To get there I passed through a roundabout that was used by a group of ladies of the night. From where they stood they could see where I parked my car.

The first couple of nights of my passing brought much friendly greetings, but on the third night, just as I was finishing my meal, another one of the regulars came in and said that my friends were waiting for me at the car, and they seemed to be upset. Of course I was mystified, and on investigating we found that most of the girls had been battered and bloodied. Apparently a group of men had posed as customers and when they had gone off in the bush they beat and robbed the girls.

Now they were calling on the one person who they thought would be helpful. “Please mister, all we want to do is go home. Please, can you drive us home?” A voice in my head said you need to walk away from this, but I agreed to help as it seemed to be the decent thing to do.

By this time a small crowd had gathered and some of the women patrons took the girls who were in the worst way to the washroom and tidied them up. One of the girls had suffered a direct blow to the eye that was swollen into a ball, and others were bleeding from swollen and cut lips.

They all piled into my seven-seater and away we went. It was while I was underway that it occurred to me that here I was with a car full of prostitutes. What policeman would believe that I was not their pimp. This might have truly been an example of “no good deed going unpunished.”

We arrived at their destination without incident and they all said thank you and retreated into an apartment building, except my front seat passenger. She said her name was Bunny, and she had not been beaten. I suppose she concluded that so it shouldn’t be a complete loss she would try to drum up some business with me.

I told her, Thanks, but no thanks! However, she pressed me. “Why you don’t stop for us? Why you don’t give us some business, you nice man, we like to do business with you!”

I replied that it was just not my thing. “Oh! You gay man?” “No, I’m not gay.” I explained that I was distressed to see the girls who had made it all the way to Spain being engaged in the same activity that so many left behind in their own country. “You have come here for a better life and you are here on the street selling your humanity in this way, and it really does get to me. Under no circumstances could I enjoy a sexual encounter with someone who does that sort of thing against their will.”

“But why should you care? You are not responsible for me. My problems are my own!”

“ I care because you are a human being with the right to dignity and self esteem. I care because prostitutes are women and people too, and I have my own conscience to contend with. I just could not bring myself to take advantage of you in that way. I have too much respect for you.”

Bunny began to cry and it grew into a deep, agony filled, free-flow, rocking backwards and forwards wail. In between her sobs she blurted that I was the very first person in her entire life who saw her as a human being, and that included her own family who sent her out on to the streets when she was a mere twelve years old to bring some money home.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

e-commerce, You & Me

Lately, I have been investigating the wonderful world of e-commerce. I was compelled into doing so because I came across an offer from a young man called Jon Davies who offered me the opportunity of giving away his ebook, "Income4Beginners," with the promise that I might make $40 each time I did. Jon has a fully automated website up in which he discusses the merits of e-commerce in a free ebook, and he also promotes a product package, the fundamentals of what you need to know to pursue an on-line income, which is, of course, the Holy Grail. Wouldn't we all like to earn money while we sleep?

It's the product package that is for sale for $40.00 that could make me that afore-mentioned income, just for giving away the free ebook to anyone who will accept it. If the person to whom I give the ebook simply reads it and does not go on to buy the product package, then that's the end of it. However, the product package is good solid stuff, as I can testify to that as I read through it. I am finding it quite helpful.

The part that is difficult to believe is that Jon offers to replace his purchase button, putting my name in his place. The customer buys the package and I get the money. Jon gets no part of that transaction. He says he is doing it because he wants to establish his name as the most well known on the internet as a nice guy.

Well, I'm sure that's partly true. But that's not the only reason he's doing it. However, when you "sell" the product the money does come to you. That much is true and correct. And the information that the customer gets is quite extraordinary: You get 18 ebooks on how to build an internet business, plus various software. This is not cutting edge stuff, but good basic knowledge. He also follows up with helpful advice in marketing.

The problem here is that most folks are put off because they cannot figure out what his ulterior motives are. Why he doesn't just come right out and tell us, I don't know, because they are really not bad.

This is what is simply known as Virual Marketing: How to get your website in fron t of as many people on the Web in the shortest amount of time.

What is happening here is simply a form of traffic generation. On the Internet, you could have the best idea since sliced bread, and a beautifully designed website to explain it, but in the very crowded marketplace that is the Internet, if you don't work out a way to get traffic to come to your website, yours will be the best kept secret in the world.

Same for convential business: unless you get people passing your shop, and coming into your shop your sales will be zero. So, what Jon is doing is having people like me find people to put his website in front of, and on the website, there are other sales opportunities for which he gets the income. For doing that, my "commission" is the $40.00 That seems perfectly fair to me.

There are so many people hawking ideas on the Internet that suggests that you can make a massive amount of income in "fifteen minutes." What nonsense! These people are not being honest with you, and if they would lie right from the start I don't think you have the foundation to ever believe anything they say. Here's the basic premise, and it applies to all forms of commerce: one party has to have a product or service that members of the public want and/or need, and they, the public must be willing to purchase said product or service from you, and to pay you good money for it.

Unless you find a niche market and can make yourself known to them, nothing is going to happen. Herein lies the rub. The e-commerce field is the most crowded of all. Everybody is trying to sell something. That there are success stories aplenty is not in dispute, but like any business it takes time to establish yourself. You also need to do the leg work; to put in the necessary preparation, planning, and to sweat the details.

One of the most successful e-commerce sites is, of course Ebay. But it didn't happen overnight for them, and its not going to go ballistic for you, at least not right away. So, if you are a Newbie and you've wondered what this is all about, dial up my website and go have a peek. I'm at

http://ewc-creativesolutions.com/ Let me know what you think of my website, and if you have any questions you can come back to me at eugene.spain@gmail.com and we'll work on it together.

Good Luck!

Who Giveth this Man to this Woman?

Is this a ridiculous title for this posting?

The trouble with Custom and Tradition is that we continue to make the same mistakes over and over again without anyone even questioning whether it is right or wrong. We simply go along with the crowd. When the occasional person comes along and wants to do things differently, we all say in unison, “You can’t do that. It goes against Tradition!”

This is really more about the tradition of expecting the bride to change her surname, rather than the act of someone, usually her father, “giving” his daughter to another.

It was only until I came here to Spain that I began to notice the things that are different between this culture and the one that I am accustomed to. Most notably is the custom whereby in marriage the bride does not take the surname of the groom.

I once attended a wedding in my country in which the bride kept her name intact. She did not change her surname to his, nor did she add his surname to hers. It was topic A, while we drank their champagne and ate their cake. We huddled in little bands and predicted that this one would surely not last. She won’t even take his name. She is definitely not committed.

Let’s consider for a minute what would be involved if we men changed our surname when we wed. I know, it’s ridiculous, but humour me, please.

So, let’s see, we have gone through the ceremony and now we sign the wedding register with our brand-new surname. First we have to get used to responding to being called Mr. Something else than what we have known all our lives, up until this point. Secondly, we have to remember to sign correctly, and perhaps get used to the spelling.

Now comes the hard part: Where do we start to change our name on all those legal documents. I suppose we might go along to the bank with a copy of our marriage certificate and change our name on all of our bank accounts, including investments, mortgages, safety deposit account, cheques, credit and debit cards, etc. Have you ever tried to simply change your address on all of your accounts at the bank? I moved three years ago and for some obscure reason I had to write to the managing director to get the various departments to make the change. Periodically the address on one or another of my accounts will revert to the original.

Got life insurance, or insurance on this and that? Those are legal documents and they all have to be changed. Don’t forget your driving license. Be sure to set aside the day that is necessary to deal with Trafico.

Don’t forget the Post office, the utilities, your voter registration, your medical records, and last, but certainly not least, your Will.

Probably the easiest part is to get friends and family to use your new surname, if they remember what it is or can properly spell it. Then you have to get your employer to change all his records; all your charge accounts have to be changed. Man! This is hard work! Is it really necessary?

Where does this practice come from? In patriarchal societies it was a form of branding. This is my wife, my chattel. It has been sustained through common usage for the sake of uniformity. In my country all people named Carmichael are identified as one family. It has also been used to get rid of an unfortunate surname. I once knew a young girl by the name of Susan Death. It was pronounced Dee-ath, but that didn’t fool too many people. She couldn’t wait to get married to get rid of that last name.

After you’ve done all that, there is the disturbing prospect of becoming one of the unhappy statistics joining the divorce march. Can you imagine? No wonder women get so mad at their former partners. I would be mad too!

Then we have the ancient practise of the giving away of the bride to the groom. I do not take a hard and firm position on this, although it does seem to be a little outdated in these modern times. However, families seem to feel that there is an integral place for this involvement, and there are sometimes nice little twists like both parents giving the bride away, or both sets of parents giving their offspring to their chosen life partners.

I suppose it can be said that it does underscore the milestone when children cross over the line definitely into a life of their own. However, when both bride and groom are presented to each other would seem to be a little more politically correct and in tune with modern times.



Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

O J Simpson, or America the Polarised

By comparison with Europe, America is a very young country, and it has a whole lot of growing up to do. Of the most important nations, it is perhaps the most divided, both along political and racial lines. Generally, things are seen through the prisms of the Democrat or Republican eyes. Trying to get a straight answer on the facts is almost impossible.

The other polarisation is along racial lines. America is racially split among White, and Others. That tension is always there and comes rushing to the surface at the mere drop of the proverbial hat.

The thing that has prompted this topic from me at this time is the arrest of O.J. Simpson. For those of you who have been away on an extended visit to the moon, Mr. Simpson is a former NFL football star. He is most infamous, however in that he was charged with the murder of his ex-wife, and a man who had the bad fortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and he was controversially found not guilty.

The circumstances of the case were so super-charged with tension that the case would most likely have earned the title of “The Trial of the Century” anyway. However, add the elements of murder victims who were white, and accused who is black, wealthy, and a movie super star, and the script was a guaranteed best seller

The jury in the criminal case acquitted Mr. Simpson because they were convinced one of the detectives manipulated the evidence against the accused, and therefore they felt that it was unsafe to convict where there was such indication of tampering. They used the time honoured directive that it is better that a guilty man be set free than to convict an innocent man where there is convincing evidence of illegal manipulation.

Vocal black people in the United States went out of their minds with joy that a black defendant in a case involving white victims was set free. Usually the black man is put to death. White people throughout the country reacted in utter astonishment, then in rage of the injustice, because the only reasonable doubt that they saw was that anyone other than O J Simpson did the crimes.

The interesting thing is that up until that time White America had taken O J within its bosom. He was this fantastic football player, and movie star, and that was cool. He married a beautiful white woman, and that was cool. He belonged to white clubs, and went everywhere in a circle of white friends, and that was cool.

When trouble came, and most of White America turned their backs on O J, the black community felt the need to formally conduct an event whereby O J was welcomed back into the Black American community as “our prodigal Son.”

In a civil case he was found to be liable and a judgement was handed down for compensation of Thirty-Three Million Dollars against him. So far, he has not voluntarily paid one cent towards satisfying that debt. In fact, he has lived quite well. (He also has the worst golf swing that I have ever seen!)

White America wants O J in jail. Now he seems to have gone out of his way to give the people what they want. He has been involved in an armed robbery, being concerned together with others, and has been charged with eleven counts in connection with that incident. The Media have been falling over themselves talking about this one man, sometimes to the absolute exclusion of real news, and this has been going on for almost two weeks. The program hosts have not even made any attempt to cover up their own personal views against him. How unprofessional is that? Fair and balanced? I don’t think so! They claim, “We report, you decide.” Not any more!

Incredibly, with practically a confession by O J made before the cameras of his involvement and wrongdoing, many vocal Black Americans are now saying that they think he’s innocent of this incident as well. Equally, many non-vocal Black Americans have no problem accepting that he is guilty of the murders and this latest incident.

My prediction: O J Simpson will be found not guilty in a court of law, if the case does actually make it that far. This is a case with an all-crooks cast and no-one is to be believed.

I cannot even begin to imagine the fiesta-like celebrations that will take place across America in certain quarters, and the utter disillusionment in others. I would also like to hear and see what the media will have to say.


Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

MISSING MADDIE!

So much has been written about the missing child, Madeline McCann, I cannot resist adding my own two cents. Everyone has an opinion.

Firstly, I highlight the conduct of the Press. I bought the Daily Mail because of the blaring headline :” Maddie killed by Sleeping Tablets.” Well, that is how newspapers are sold. They added in much smaller print, “a new extraordinary claim.” The deliberate impression given to passing members of the public is that they are announcing fact, when it was really only theory. So yes, I was suckered into buying the paper.

The media has been so supportive of the family, but now they seem to be rounding upon them and ready to believe that they have harmed their own child. This is the classic rush by the herd to judgement.

The facts as we know them are as follows: (a) The McCanns´ as a family of five, left their home in England and went to Portugal on holiday to take up temporary residence in a holiday flat.

(b) The parents met with friends in a restaurant a little way down the road from their apartment on the fateful night in question.

© They left their children sleeping alone without the benefit of a babysitter.

Here, the question arises did they leave two or three of their children. No member of the public, or, apparently the police actually have proof of the answer to this question.

(d) During this evening the mother declared that Maddie was missing.

(e) The family that went out as five have returned to the home in England as four.

Those are the only facts in the public domain. All else is speculation and rumour, and nobody actually knows anything.

I have had a problem with this entire case from the very beginning, because I do not believe in coincidence. I would like the answer(s) to the following question: Using mathematical probability, I would like to know what are the chances that the family, who left their habitual home in England, where the children spent most of their time, to go on holiday in Portugal, (where presumably they were not so well known), and on the one night that the parents left their children on their own, that a stranger would come and take one of them.

We can be reasonably certain that the police have consulted the odds-makers. It was most probably the opinions from these people that caused the police to take up “discreet observation” of the couple, and that would likely have included specialists in reading body language.

My strongest opinion at this time is regarding something that the parents are quoted as having said: “We thought we were being reliable and responsible.” This is supposed to have been said by two practising physicians in whom members of the public place their faith, and rely on their judgements.

Many, if not most parents of very young children do not go out and leave the children home alone. Many, if not most parents of very young children install a listening monitor in their children’s bedroom while the parents are in the next room. That, in my opinion, is being reliable and responsible!

Well, they do admit to their mis-judgement, and so we move on.

I choose not to rush to judgement. I simply do not know what happened, like everybody else in the world except (as has been suggested) the McCanns’ themselves; or as they say, the person who took Maddie. In the fullness of time this will play itself out.

If the McCann’s harmed their own daughter they will have to live with that. If someone else has harmed her, the McCanns’ will have to live with that.

What could be worse than having your child suddenly go missing in the still of the night? Being brought under suspicion yourself of having caused the disappearance. How bad can this nightmare for the family get? It is far from over, I’m afraid.

The best outcome would be for little Madeline to be found alive and well. I would especially like to see that happen for many reasons, including the look on the faces of all those who have been so quick to say that they know what happened. One of the most important reasons would be that the McCanns’ have been so successful in enlisting the financial ,and other help of so many people in keeping the matter in the public eye. Should it all turn out to be a scam, the next time that someone’s child goes missing members of the public will quite naturally be sceptical, and that would be the most tragic outcome of all.

Meanwhile, I will continue to be vigilant and hopeful.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Divorce-Property Settlements:50% Always Fair?

As I write this the battle rages on between the businessman and his ex-wife, the magistrate. At a particular point in time he was said to be worth One Hundred and Thirty-One Million Pounds. He wants her to have Twenty Million Pounds in a full and final settlement. He says that is more than enough for her to live on for the rest of her life. The interest alone would bring in about Five hundred Thousand Pounds a year.

She wants Forty-Eight Million Pounds. She feels she is worth it. “We’re equals” she insists. So why is she not demanding Sixty-Five million, Five-Hundred Thousand? And why is that amount not enough for him to live on? Meanwhile, the press is asking whether any wife could possibly be worth that much money. They seem to have completely overlooked the judgement in the late Anna Nicole Smith’s favour of $475 million from the estate of her deceased husband.

Granted, that is a somewhat different circumstance, being the probate of a Will, but if a wife can be worth half of her husband’s estate in the event of his death, then why not in the event of divorce?

The principal difference is one of the lack of goodwill, or more specifically, the presence of complicating factors such as who did what that brought about the divorce.

The American comedian, Eddie Murphy, did a whole routine around the theme of “Fifty-Percent!” He asked the question, how does a person, who never actually worked in the business to produce the fortune justify their demands for half of it in the event of the marriage breakdown? Another US comedian, Richard Pryor, when confronted by his wife’s demands for half, said, “woman, you have never ever told a joke, except this one!”

What about the man who has been married three times? How many halves are there!

Eddie Murphy’s logic went along these lines: If a woman is the wife of a mega rich man, what does she actually have to do to support him. She does not have to wash the dishes, clean the house or be concerned about the laundry. She does not have to make the school run, she has a chauffeur to do that and other people to do everything else.


A man can get to be the head of a successful business group without the absolute need for a wife. However, if he had a wife who put him through higher learning that led to his success, we now have a basis upon which to begin working toward a sensible formula for the distribution of assets in that specific case.

It is noteworthy that this type of problem is only important in those cases where a lot of assets are concerned. At the lower end where the only thing of value that the couple has is the house, the courts do not seem to have any difficulty in awarding the entire house to the wife, especially if there are children.

In the case of the businessman and his magistrate wife, he says that he didn’t even begin to make strides in his business until after the subsistence of the marriage was over. He stayed to keep the family unit intact because of the children. His point being that his wife’s claim that she helped him to succeed is false, as he asserts that he succeeded in spite of her. But the difference between what he wants her to have and what she wants, he has earned many times over in the meantime.

At the end of the day, “A man who dies rich, dies disgraced”.(Andrew Carnegie, 1889)

Coming right on the heels of this case is another bitter contest involving the singer and the lady whom his friends warned him about. He listened only to his heart and now he wished he had been wiser. But what’s a fella to do? If you have loads of money and a grand country pile you do need someone to help keep you warm at night. Wherever lots of money is involved things have a nasty habit of getting very complicated.

I think that when the split comes it’s all about providing the other person with the means to maintain their lifestyle in the manner to which they have become accustomed as a result of your largesse and efforts. It’s not a question of how does a person get to be worth the amount. You as the purse-holder conferred that right and value upon them.

This formula works both ways, regardless of who holds the purse strings. It is the curse of the rich that unless they associate only with those as wealthy as themselves, if they invite in an outsider of lesser means they may have to pay to be rid of their unwanted appendage.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

LOVE SCAMS

I was contacted by a family member who is being driven crazy by their elderly and very lonely father who is being scammed by someone who says that she is lonely and in the same boat as he. The story so far is that he went on-line to find a soul mate following his wife’s death, and was immediately contacted by someone who says that she is a widow.

She lives in Africa but would dearly love to move to the West, but her husband left her deeply in debt. She would love to come to him as soon as she can clear away what is owed. He is besotted with her and has been sending her large sums of money. Someone, who was concerned for his welfare alerted his daughter, and now it has become a family nightmare.

No doubt there are a great number of success stories of genuine love found on the Internet. But I am equally certain that one has to be super cautious, even more so than when meeting a complete stranger in person.

Fundamentally, something is wrong when someone you have never met in person is asking you for money. That sends up very big red flags. Should it happen to you, the proper thing to do is at least discuss it with someone whose judgement you trust.

Although no one is safe from the scammers, I’m particularly concerned about the most vulnerable, the elderly. The professionals know exactly the signs to look for and to exploit. Such people are on their own, their families are getting on with their own lives, and even those who have the benefit of living with sons or daughters are still at risk, because this part of their lives are private. Children cannot help, other than to arrange meetings between people locally, if that is possible.

The modus operandi of the scammer is to get a dialogue going and to turn up the heat. When the mark is expressing undying love then they move to spring the trap, gently at first, but their script is pure theatre, and they won’t stop until they have bled their mark absolutely dry.

Here are some of the classics:
· The actor (for that is what they are), says that they have traveller’s cheques but no bank account. Could you please cash these and send them the money. The cheques will be forgeries, but of a very high quality. Once you cash them and send the money it will be from your bank account that restitution will be made to the bank.
· They will find themselves in some kind of difficulty requiring an urgent infusion of funds, and they cannot think of any other source of help than you. Please wire the funds immediately or the most dire consequences will happen to them.
· Even where you travel to meet with your on-line lover who is in some far off land, and you become engaged to her with the intention of bringing her to be with you, if she is asking you for money she will most probably have a whole string of men to whom she is doing the same thing.
· Younger men, or people who say they are younger prey mercilessly on older women whom they hope have money. They send all sorts of pictures of their tanned bodies that are not even their own. Because of the mix of emotions with common sense, often emotions win out. People really do suspect that they are being scammed, but they need to hear the words spoken that make them feel good.
· It is a fact that absolutely anyone can be conned, even people who are savvy and who should know better. However, if they are caught in a weak moment when they are vulnerable they can be sucked in just like the rest of us. Keeping this in mind you should know that it is no shame if you become an unwitting victim. Do yourself a favour and use your commonsense and cut your losses short. Trust your instincts.

The profile of a scammer is that of a sociopath, someone who is entirely anti-social. Both men and women can fall into this category, and they are utterly heartless. Half of the conning is for fun, because they can do it. They love the manipulation, and the grander the scheme the better.

Best advice, if you’ve gone on-line seeking romance and the person purporting to love you starts asking for money, know this, they are probably out to break your heart and your bank account. Beware!


Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Who Giveth this Man?

The trouble with Custom and Tradition is that we continue to make the same mistakes over and over again without anyone even questioning whether it is right or wrong. We simply go along with the crowd. When the occasional person comes along and wants to do things differently, we all say in unison, “You can’t do that. It goes against Tradition!”

This is really more about the tradition of expecting the bride to change her surname, rather than the act of someone, usually her father, “giving” his daughter to another.

It was only until I came here to Spain that I began to notice the things that are different between this culture and the one that I am accustomed to. Most notably is the custom whereby in marriage the bride does not take the surname of the groom.

I once attended a wedding in my country in which the bride kept her name intact. She did not change her surname to his, nor did she add his surname to hers. It was topic A, while we drank their champagne and ate their cake. We huddled in little bands and predicted that this one would surely not last. She won’t even take his name. She is definitely not committed.

Let’s consider for a minute what would be involved if we men changed our surname when we wed. I know, it’s ridiculous, but humour me, please.

So, let’s see, we have gone through the ceremony and now we sign the wedding register with our brand-new surname. First we have to get used to responding to being called Mr. Something else than what we have known all our lives, up until this point. Secondly, we have to remember to sign correctly, and perhaps get used to the spelling.

Now comes the hard part: Where do we start to change our name on all those legal documents. I suppose we might go along to the bank with a copy of our marriage certificate and change our name on all of our bank accounts, including investments, mortgages, safety deposit account, cheques, credit and debit cards, etc. Have you ever tried to simply change your address on all of your accounts at the bank? I moved three years ago and for some obscure reason I had to write to the managing director to get the various departments to make the change. Periodically the address on one or another of my accounts will revert to the original.

Got life insurance, or insurance on this and that? Those are legal documents and they all have to be changed. Don’t forget your driving license. Be sure to set aside the day that is necessary to deal with Trafico.

Don’t forget the Post office, the utilities, your voter registration, your medical records, and last, but certainly not least, your Will.

Probably the easiest part is to get friends and family to use your new surname, if they remember what it is or can properly spell it. Then you have to get your employer to change all his records; all your charge accounts have to be changed. Man! This is hard work! Is it really necessary?

Where does this practice come from? In patriarchal societies it was a form of branding. This is my wife, my chattel. It has been sustained through common usage for the sake of uniformity. In my country all people named Carmichael are identified as one family. It has also been used to get rid of an unfortunate surname. I once knew a young girl by the name of Susan Death. It was pronounced Dee-ath, but that didn’t fool too many people. She couldn’t wait to get married to get rid of that last name.

After you’ve done all that, there is the disturbing prospect of becoming one of the unhappy statistics joining the divorce march. Can you imagine? No wonder women get so mad at their former partners. I would be mad too!

Then we have the ancient practise of the giving away of the bride to the groom. I do not take a hard and firm position on this, although it does seem to be a little outdated in these modern times. However, families seem to feel that there is an integral place for this involvement, and there are sometimes nice little twists like both parents giving the bride away, or both sets of parents giving their offspring to their chosen life partners.

I suppose it can be said that it does underscore the milestone when children cross over the line definitely into a life of their own. However, when both bride and groom are presented to each other would seem to be a little more politically correct and in tune with modern times.



Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

CHRONICLES OF RAPE-SURVIVOR'S STORIES

What I have Learned (VI)

The premise: That no man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for reasons of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.

From responses received from rape survivors and from other related readings, and from personal interviews conducted with persons who hold strong views, I have learned the following things, among others:

Rape, when deliberately committed, is the most heinous of crimes against a person.

That the vast majority of rapes that occur could have been/can be prevented. I want to be careful not to give the impression of blaming the victim. Rape can never be justified under any circumstances. However, the first person responsible for personal safety is the individual. Date rape, in many cases could have been avoided by simply not inviting the date in “for coffee.” If however, you would really like to do that as a gracious social thing, lay down the ground rules outside the door. You also have to know whether he can be trusted to act accordingly. Silence is too easy to be misinterpreted, and she can be sure that he is thinking about sex.

Travelling in pairs reduces the chance of a woman on her own being stalked and attacked.

Many women have no real concept of how a man is wired. To our own annoyance sex is always on our minds. Comparison with the animal kingdom would place man alongside the lion. We would be perfectly happy leading that sort of existence. Therefore, we need clear signals and help from women. You need to know that a man is never happy with “just a cuddle.”

The vast majority of men are truly decent people who would not hurt a woman. Even in the face of flagrant temptation we are able to exercise self-control. Also, most decent men despise the rapist as a weakling and a disgrace to our side.

Women who frequent discos are at high risk. Trust No One! Better to have a (soft) drink from a bottle that you hold in your hand at all times, and if you have to leave it for a bathroom break, start with a fresh one on your return. There are predators about and you relax your vigilance at your own peril. Drinking alcohol is the first thing that you perhaps should not do in such settings.
A woman has the absolute right to dress as she pleases within the legal definition of decency. However, to dress to provoke a stalker is hardly in your interest. Use common sense.

A man is in a much better position if he can successfully invite his date to his apartment, preferably with her overnight bag. This shows intent on her part, and his, and gives clear signals to both.

Men have to know that there is a class of female that is hostile to us, or at least who have a very low threshold of tolerance. Beware! Make very sure that your attention is welcome and appreciated. Take nothing for granted!

Men must also be aware that some women will purposely be vague, and then turn manipulative when he is at his most vulnerable.

Men must learn that the word NO! or STOP means just that. Take it at face value without trying to interpret it to mean something else.

A manufacturer has come up with something for women in doubtful situations. It’s called Rapex, the anti-rape condom, the most diabolical thing I’ve ever heard of, but it may just be what you need.

There is practically no substitute in life for a warm and loving relationship between two people. When I hear someone say of another that I love him or her more today, after 50 years together than when we first met, I get a very mushy feeling of envy for them. .

However, it takes all kinds of people to populate our world, and some of them are not very nice. It’s all a matter of a delicate balance of beauty and ugliness, kindness versus unkindness, caring and selfishness, tenderness and brutality, and of people who can be trusted absolutely versus those who can’t.

As a female you are one of God’s most special creations. You are marvellous to be with, and you fulfil the pivotal role of propagating the species, (after we men have done our little bit). Your security is a matter of constant concern, so perhaps you should take the advice of one of my contributors and have your home security assessed by a professional. You are entitled to be safe and secure at least in your own home.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

CHRONICLES OF RAPE-SURVIVOR'S STORIES

Men Against Rape (V)

The premise: That no man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for reasons of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.


Without the need for poll taking it can be said that the vast majority of men are of good conscience that fit the above description. We regard our role, when interacting with women to be one of respect, and if necessary that of protector.

We acknowledge that males commit most of the serious crimes against property and persons. Most violence is male driven, and wars are generally the initiative of men. That does not mean that women are totally exempt.

Specifically, with regard to rape, the law defines the term as the penetration of another’s bodily orifice without consent, and that normally is a male driven action. However, in these modern times some interesting variations on that theme are turning up. We are beginning to hear of rich and powerful women who are turning the tables on the men whom they control. Such men may be employees, or even husbands who made the mistake of marrying her for her money.

If such a woman coerces sex on demand and causes a man to perform as a trained seal, can it be rape? In my opinion, most probably not, in a legal sense as it lacks the penetration criteria, but sexual harassment most probably would be a better description.

Decent men are very careful in their intimate relations with their partners. We cannot imagine anything so revolting as to have one’s very humanity violently taken. We wouldn’t very much like it were it to happen to us, and so the thought of doing it to someone else is quite simply repugnant.

We also have our mothers, daughters, and all other female relations to think about. We can’t go about abusing other people’s female relatives without expecting that the same could happen to ours. This is the doctrine of fairness at work. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

From a self-preservation standpoint, we should wish for a world without rape, because where there are actual rapes occurring, there will also be incidents of false claims of rape. To be a man so accused is to be caught in an absolute nightmare situation. Effectively, your life as you knew it, is over. You can never have it back, even if you can prove that the thing of which you stand charged simply never happened.

In the United States of America there is the on-going case of three students of Duke University, of Raleigh, North Carolina, who were accused by an “exotic dancer” of having participated in raping her at a party at a home where she was hired to dance.

It may be that some sexual activity took place there, but in trying to determine whom her attackers were she pointed out three individuals who evidence indicates were not even there at the time of the alleged rape. For over a year they were named and shamed, while her identity was kept secret. Finally, the justice system declared that not only were they “Not Guilty” but that they were absolutely Innocent. Charges against them should never have been brought in the first place. However, for many people, that is not good enough to redeem their good names. They still believe the accusation, because that is what they want to believe.

When a woman vindictively, deliberately and falsely brings a charge of rape, she will certainly make trouble for her victim, but she also does her entire sisterhood a grave disservice. Unfortunately there have been far too many incidents of just such behaviour, and it is this that puts the real victim of rape through such a tortuous process.

There is a remedy open to men who have been falsely accused. They have the right upon discharge from the case to sue their accuser for damages. Even in conservative societies actual damages will be substantial. In the United States they have something that is called “Punitive Damages” that can be added to the assessment for actual damages, and are intended as pure punishment for having acted so recklessly in the first place.

For men against rape, this is quite simply a moral issue. It falls on the wrong side of the ledger, alongside such things as robbery, housebreaking, theft, murder, and offences against children. These are legally and morally wrong. Even if we could do these things and get away with our crimes, we would have to live with our conscience, and that would be, quite simply, unacceptable.

So, if you commit the crime of deliberate, intentional or reckless rape, you must leave the fraternity of decent men forever. You are a weakling, a loser and an embarrassment to the male gender and an outcast. No decent man may fraternize with you ever again, for we are known by our friends.

Finally, rape is no way to treat a lady!

Next: What have we learned?

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

CHRONICLES OF RAPE-SURVIVOR'S STORIES

Two Victims-Different Responses (IV of VI)

The premise: That no man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for the reason of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.

Survivor A.

She had been in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend who she describes as being her perfect man. He was loving and caring and sensitive to her needs. When she had struggled to turn her life in a new direction he was there with both moral and financial support.

She thought that they knew each other intimately and well. Whenever he wanted her she was always there for him to give of herself willingly and joyfully. She loved him completely.

On this particular day she was feeling distressed and depressed by worrisome problems, so when he made his familiar overtures she felt she could not give of her best, so she said that she was just not in the mood. It was better left for another time. He persisted, and on learning that there was no physical barrier became ever more persistent.

She became annoyed that he was acting so much out of character and it escalated to the point of a struggle, and then a fight with him declaring, “Never say no to me!”

He took her against her will, and in doing so he crossed the line.

She preferred charges of forcible rape, and stood fast in her evidence. He was convicted and sentenced to a modest term of imprisonment.

As a result of the unprotected nature of the event she became pregnant, gave birth to her son, and went on to raise him as a single parent.

She was outspoken about her outrage, and soon discovered that there were countless silent sufferers in her small community. She discovered that there was a culture of male dominance over women whereby men held the right of expectation of submission at all times. She established a woman’s support centre that dedicated itself in turning around attitudes. It has grown in size and importance and has become a permanent aspect of life.

Survivor B

This is an unusual case in that it involves the mother of the young woman who was savagely abducted and raped by a stranger, albeit, a man from the same town. The case took on national attention as it progressed through the stages.

The young girl had to submit to further humiliation in the collection of evidence through close examination. At every moment her mother was there, never leaving her side, trying her best to console her daughter.

She then had to go through the terrifying ordeal of actually identifying her attacker, and fearing that he would try and get to her and kill her. Her mother kept her close, went everywhere with her, never left her for a moment.

Her mother was there to watch her daughter’s shame as she gave evidence to a room of strangers about the most personal aspects of her life. She was so young to be put through such a mental rape and torture, but she held up and was determined to tell the whole truth.

The facts spoke for themselves and the man was convicted of rape and sent to prison. He had the opportunity to express remorse for what he had done, but chose not to do so. Her mother was there to hug and comfort her daughter, and every day while he served his sentence her mother did her best to help her broken daughter heal.

The years went by but the family remained in their small town where it was common knowledge what had happened. The girl had to complete her education in the full glare of the student body’s attitude. She was at best a curiosity; at worst she was someone to tease. Her mother was always there for her with a shoulder to cry on.

Suddenly, the horrific news was received that the rapist was being discharged from prison early, having earned a discount for good behaviour. He chose to come back to the same village, the place of his birth.

It was while he was having a drink one night in the local bar that the girl’s mother walked in and poured flammable liquid over him and set him alight. A few weeks later he died of his burns suffered over ninety percent of his body.

The daughter has said that her mother considered that the action she took restored her own daughter’s pride and that of the entire family. She did not want them to live forever as victims, and that the penalty that the courts imposed would be worn by her mother as a badge of honour.

Next: Men Against Rape.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

RAPE WITHIN MARRIAGE ( Part III of VI)

Chronicles of Rape-Survivor’s Stories


Premise: No man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for reasons of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.

Under U.K. law, prior to 1991 it was impossible for a man to be charged with raping or sexually assaulting his wife. “The Law Made Simple” published by Chaucer Press, 1981 stated that “A husband cannot rape his wife unless the parties are separated or the court has by injunction forbidden him to interfere with his wife, or he has given an undertaking in court not to interfere with her.”

Supposedly, the mutual vows made upon entering into marriage, which is a contract between the parties, required of each to be responsible for the other’s sexual well-being, among other things. Evidently this assumption came to be deemed too broad and incompatible within the definition of rape.

Wikipedia on-line dictionary describes rape this way: “In most jurisdictions the crime of rape is defined to occur when sexual intercourse takes place (or is attempted) without the valid consent of one of the parties involved. It is frequently defined as penetration of the anus or vagina by a penis. In some jurisdictions the offence is completed by the penetration of fingers or other objects.”

Rape is a minefield around or through which every man must tread very carefully throughout our entire lives. Firstly, men and women view so many things totally differently. It’s the Mars and Venus syndrome. In this aspect a man might have the impression that what took place was simply passion. She might see it as the violation of her body.

In one stunning case I recall from many years ago a man was found guilty and sent to prison without the woman ever once having said No! or Stop! Or I don’t want to do this! It was judged to be a crime of rape through coercion, and he should have known that it was so.

Rape within marriage between cohabiting partners can occur just as under any other circumstance. The wife must always give her consent through words or deeds so that there can be no misunderstanding. Even if it is Thursday, the day of the week set aside for sexual conjugation, and it normally happens like clockwork. She has to give her husband a clear signal that this Thursday is no different.

There does not have to be evil intent for rape to occur. There only has to be consent withheld, deliberately not given, or a demand for the man to stop, go no further.

Even something as simple as the kiss can violate a woman’s space. For a man to boldly take the initiative and plant one on her as they do in the movies, could greatly offend. Done properly, the man approaches within an inch and stops. If she is agreeable she will close the gap.

Without putting too fine a point on it, there are many seemingly functioning marriages where the couple have no sexual contact at all, but not by mutual agreement. It could be that either one has given up that part of the relationship out of disinterest. That leaves the other in a rather bad place. I suspect that in most cases it’s the male who is left to ponder his position.

For some men who can afford it, they will take a mistress. This is a solution that is really another problem in the making. It could become the basis of a divorce action brought by the wife, or she may be content to live with it in the realization that she has everything else that she needs, and is excused from that tedious duty.

Probably the most common recourse is to use the service of prostitutes as once the deed is done and paid for there are (hopefully) no further complications. Just do not register with an “escort service” using your own name, or pay for services rendered with a credit card.

What we must never do is turn to our wives who are lying next to us in bed and demand that she do her duty. That is one of the principal scenarios that the change in the law seeks to address. Every woman is guaranteed control over her own body at all times.

A perfect example of that guarantee is that of the prostitute who has taken money to perform a service. Should she wish to change her mind in the act and requires her customer to cease and desist, he must do so immediately. She must return all his money as she will not have fulfilled the contract, but the law will uphold her right to assert her “Stop” order.

Next: Two Victims-Different Responses.

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Rape by Stranger

Chronicles of Rape-Survivor’s Stories

(Part II of VI)

The premise: No man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for reasons of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.

(I have been asked to present these two accounts verbatim. I have materially done that).

At Home:

“I live alone as a single woman. I was always careful for my security. During the day my doors remained locked, whether I was in or out, and at night my curtains and shutters remained closed.

“On that particular night I went to bed as usual, but about 1:30am I was awakened not by sound, but rather by a bad feeling and the smell of garlic. Before I could gather my senses he pounced upon me and clamped a hand over my mouth. “Be still and don’t make a sound or I will kill you!” he whispered.

“Later the police explained how he had gained entry to my house, but I don’t want to describe the method here, lest I give others ideas. However, anyone who is concerned for their security should request an assessment of your situation from a professional as a priority, especially women living alone.

“ From the moment he fell on me my entire body went limp and icy cold. I simply accepted that this was the end, my life would be over in a moment. What a shame I had to suffer the ultimate in degradation before the end came. No point in fighting it. The beast on top of me would have his way and then he would snap my neck and no more pain and suffering.

“I then had an out of body experience as the violation took place, not really feeling anything except my body jerking, being pushed and pulled. However, his breath smelled of stale garlic that caused me to projectile vomit over him. Later, this would prove to be important.

“Suddenly it was over and he made ready to go. I actually called out weakly from the bed, “please don’t go. Please don’t leave me like this. Finish it! Please, kill me. Please!”

“The real horror I experience every day. I have died at least a thousand times. There are times when I curl up in a ball and cry so hard while holding a kitchen knife. I constantly demand an answer from God as to Why Me? How could You let him do that to Me?

The smell of garlic sets off in me the most distressing panic attack.”

In the Park during daylight:

“I adored the outdoors. To take long walks in the forest and the mountains was my favourite pastime. Perhaps my mistake was my predictability, or maybe it was just by chance. On that fine autumn day the unthinkable happened and I was not even remotely prepared.

“ I was out early and in my stride, looking for new birds to spot when through my binoculars I spotted a man who evidently was taking notice of me. And then a movement to my left revealed a second man, and he was laughing.

“Instantly I knew I was in trouble. Why the hell had I come up here on my own and without my mobile phone? I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone, of course. Well, they were coming for me and I panicked. I thought I knew the area, but in my fright I became disoriented and quite lost. They on the other hand, seemed to be having a great time toying with me. I was the prey and they were the hunters.

“I ran as fast as I could go, and I fell many times, and eventually they caught up with me. For what must have been more than three hours they took turns, having stripped me of my clothes and laid me out on a large boulder with my arms and legs tied. I was kidnapped and raped repeatedly, and when they became bored they asked me how would I like for them to kill me.

“The only reason I survived is the sudden appearance of the forest ranger helicopter on routine patrol. The sight that greeted them set off in motion one of the biggest manhunts that my country has ever seen. They were tried and convicted and sentenced to prison for the rest of their natural lives – no chance of parole.

“I too am serving a life sentence. I cannot leave my house except in the company of others. I have grown fat due to the lack of exercise. There has not been a day that has passed without me re-living the experience over and over again.

“How do I make it stop?”


Next: “Rape within Marriage.”


Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Date Rape!

Chronicles of Rape-Survivor’s Stories (Part One of Six)

The premise: No man of good conscience would willingly and recklessly force himself upon another person for reasons of sex, power or control. This series is intended to raise awareness and sensitivity.

The conventional wisdom is that we should be careful what we wish or ask for. Prior to the first part of this series I asked that rape survivors might like to write to me to help me understand what the experience was like. I though that perhaps, by coming to understand what a rape victim felt and thought in the build up to the act, and during the violation itself, and what lingers long after, I might be able to give pause to a future would-be rapist, because he would understand his actions better.

Well, thank you! You did write to me, and I read every submission, some twice or more times, and I kept reading even when I thought that I can’t possibly get through another graphic description of an abomination. At times I had to pause to take a walk. Perhaps you were not all able to get the full depth of your thoughts down on paper, but don’t worry; the hurt came through loud and clear.

In summary, so far I have learned the following, among other things:
- Not every rape is committed by someone who has malice aforethought;
- Not every rapist is even aware that he has committed what the other person considers an act of rape;
- Owning to a change in the law, we find that in the privacy of the matrimonial bedroom, a husband might find himself charged by his wife with rape;
- That acts of rape take place in same-sex circumstances, and alarmingly so in woman-on-woman situations, but that no-one in authority seems to take these seriously;
- That our culture is changing to such a degree that rape is one of the easiest offences for a man to commit unwittingly. It is also one of the most difficult for which to get a conviction.

I promised that I would go to great lengths to protect your identities, but this is actually made easy as a lot of the circumstances are so similar, so I will group experiences together.

Hollywood created the image of the strong male character who sweeps the woman off her feet, not taking “no” for an answer. Forget that! “No!” means just that. It doesn’t mean “maybe, or possibly, or come on, persuade me some more”. No means stop what you are doing now and back off. Perhaps it’s not intended as a permanent stop, and if it's not she will let you know, but when you hear it you continue on at your peril.

The Date Rape!

These situations occurred after the couples had spent a pleasant evening out for dinner, or theatre, etc. In a case or two it was a first date, but in others the couples were familiar to one another. In the usual scene that marks the end of the evening some petting may take place. This often leads to sexual activity if both people wish it, but in many cases it leads to awkwardness because he wants to take it all the way, and she is not comfortable in doing that.

“I really did like him. In many ways I thought that he was the perfect gentleman, and in reality making love with him was a beautiful thought (or beautiful and enjoyable experience), but tonight it was not right or a comfortable thing for me to do. I tried to explain that to him, and at first he seemed to understand, although I realised he desperately wanted me.

“He kept insisting and putting his hands where I did not want them placed. I was rapidly becoming angry and alarmed that my perfect gentleman was turning into a pig. I lost my sense of humour and pushed him away, and that is when he became violent and made his intentions perfectly clear.

“Oh, Dear God, No! Don’t let him do this. Please let me keep my dignity. He’s threatening to kill me, and his breath is so foul, and the look in his eyes so ferocious, I believe that he will kill me anyway. Dear Lord, what have I done to deserve this? How can this man have turned into such a beast? He’s tearing away my clothes. I wish I were dead!

“Oh! God! This is awful! Make him stop! Get off me, you bastard! You Pig! Pig! PIG!

“And now, he’s gone, but not before saying how sorry he is. He doesn’t know what came over him. Here I am, all crumpled, ashamed, angry, disgusted, completely violated, in mind and body, and above all, I feel so degraded and dirty. (I wasn’t a virgin, but consensual sexual relations are a whole world apart from this). How dare he do this to me? I am a human being, with feelings, goddammit! I will not be treated this way! Give me a knife and I would cut off his genitals.”

Next in the series: (Rape II) Stranger Rape.


Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Important Aviso!

Starting Sunday, July 15th, the very important Chronicles of Rape, a six-part series based on rape survivor experiences. Hopefully these very intimate and painful accounts will give women pause to consider their own circumstances, and to thereby avoid the rape entrapment enviornment.

As for men, it is my hope that you never inadvertantly fall into the role of rapist, (which apparently happens all too frequently) and certainly never deliberately strip another person of their humanity. There is no excuse under the sun adequate to cover this, the most heinous crime under the sun.

I hope you will read through all six episodes, and that you will also tell a friend.

Thank You!

Eugene

Is There a place in modern day Marriage for infidelity. A reader Responds!

Published on the 7/7/07- A good luck day, if you believe, or not, if you don't. Let there be true love in your life, and may you never have a reason to say "I'm Sorry!"

“ No! There is never a legitimate place for infidelity, not under any circumstances. I understand that some people have so-called open marriages, just like the holes in their heads, but that is not the same thing as being unfaithful.

“In such cases the parties agree, for reasons best known to themselves to live together while at the same time going out to seek other sexual partners, or even bringing them home to be shared.

“I’m not concerned with the life choices of adults in general, I’m only concerned with the question of having entered into a marriage, in good faith with a partner, and having made each other certain promises, among them to hold one another exclusive to the other, through the good times and the bad, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, or for richer or for poorer circumstances.

“ My own marriage was one that was consecrated and blessed in a Christian church before God and our families as witnesses. I truly loved the man that I married. On that day I tingled with joy and delight. As I saw it, I was entering into a life partnership with another human being who had been so adoring and considerate to me, and I to him, that we had the perfect beginning to our life together.

“ I was to be a stay-at-home wife, homemaker, mother, nurturer. For the first eight years or so, we lived the dream, the fairytale life of a house in the suburbs, two children, a boy and a girl. I had the PTA and community work, and a husband who was steady and reliable. Our marriage ran like a Swiss timepiece, including that we deliberately made time for ourselves. We talked about his work and about politics, of which he was passionate.

“When the first signs appear that something is wrong they are probably always small, and they tend to be explained away as tiredness or stress. Perhaps something as simple as a kiss not given upon arriving home, as is the usual custom.

“Months before my husband had joined a local constituency to work on behalf of our political party. Our well ordered life’s routine was now being interrupted by nights out for meetings and canvassing on the doorstep. We still talked about the issues. If anything he became even more passionate about politics, but there was a certain distance between us that wasn’t there before. And there was something else. Our love lives took on an added element. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but later I came to realize it was guilt compensation. My perfect husband was having a perfect affair with one of his political fellow workers.

“The main problem with infidelity is the hurt of betrayal and deception. It is the loss of that all-important element of trust. Once trust is gone the relationship can never again be the same. Even long after the partner has seen the error of his ways and pledges never to stray again, you will never believe another word that he, or she says. How can you? You heard The Promise before, and under very sober and sombre circumstances and it was broken anyway.

“Acceptance of the truth comes hard. Looking back, I think a comparison with being diagnosed with a terminal illness would be accurate. First, Denial! No, this is not happening, you try to convince yourself. Then, Anger! How dare he do this to me! Things get thrown, curses galore get spoken, and entirely too much alcohol gets drunk.
Then come the tears of hurt at the sense of loss and disappointment, and the sheer sense of betrayal that your partner would do something of this nature to disrespect not only you personally, but that he holds the marriage and your children in such contempt!

“Above all, the duplicity is so staggering. This is the same man who sits at the dinner table and looked me straight in my eyes, and who smiled at me, and who professed to love me and our children. Every time he announced that he was going out for a meeting my stomach scrunched in a tight ball. I’m sure that he did a lot of political work, but in my mind all I saw was the two of them going off into some convenient love nest.

“Yes, I am bitter. My marriage has been invaded and my heart has been broken, and here I remain trapped, because I will not have my children grow up in a broken home. But mark my words, one day accounts will be due and payable in full!

Copyright© 2007 Eugene Carmichael

What it means to be a Father

Does the mother of your children know what it means to you to be the father of her children? She will be able to assume a lot by your actions, in fact your actions will say much more than your words, but have you ever put into words for her your deepest feelings about fulfilling the most important role in your life?

Most men have never done this. It is not considered necessary. Two e-mails were received on this same interesting topic. The writers’ fears are that unless we say out loud what it means to us, inevitably mis-conceptions creep in.

Father (A) says that his circumstances are that he and his family came to Spain from their home in England many years ago, principally for his health. He has never been able to find work in his field here in Spain, and that has meant that he is a house-husband. He has assumed the role of homemaker, and partly to ease his sense of guilt and to bolster his ego he prides himself on doing a really good job of it.

He is now at the point where he would not like to trade his role for anything. Meanwhile, relieved of the normal responsibilities of motherhood, his wife’s career has taken off and she has moved up the corporate ladder to realise her full potential.

He wrote, “it occurred to me just recently, after reading your essay, “Fathers are Parents Too” that I have never said to my wife in so many words what it means to me to do the many things that are necessary in support of the children.” He is sure that he is one of the very privileged to be so close to the kids because of circumstances. Many men don’t even get the opportunity to know their children.

For him, being father to his children is his very reason for living. Take away that and he would have to completely reinvent himself. The fact that he gets to fill some of their mother’s duties as well is a wonderful bonus.

The circumstances of Father (B) are in line with those of most men. He is concerned that just making both ends meet are taking up too much of his day to the extent that he rarely gets to see his children. He is pleased that he is able to provide for them. He describes his family as upper middle-class, and he is proud of the fact that his wife does not have to go out to work.

Lately, it has been nagging him that he does not know his children. They are growing up without him. He is missing so much of their development because his life is completely taken up with earning money. He thinks that his family appreciates having the comfort and nice things that his money can buy, but people keep saying that he works too hard.

This man is facing the age old problem of having to put too much effort into providing for the family with no time left over for him to give of the one thing they may want the most, and that is his very own personal involvement.

I was one such person in that I worked long and hard hours, and was hardly ever there for my son. I only got a glimpse of him in the morning before setting off for the day. At night by the time I got home he was asleep in bed. Sensibly, my wife worked part-time so as to be there for him after school. I thought this meant that he was growing up well adjusted. On Saturdays, when he had some kind of game, I would be sure to be there, but after that I went to the office.

I finally came to the realisation that I had dug a hole for myself, and that it was quite deep enough. I announced that I would be getting out of the hole and that I would take early retirement so that we all could spend some real quality time together. And that is when my eight-year old son told me of his feelings and his relief about my decision. It seems that he had been judging me by what his mates had said about the time they spent with their dads, and I fell well short.

So now that I am retired I get to cook and chauffer for my son, and I occasionally stop to smell the flowers. I have time to observe his growth and to be involved. Children grow up entirely too fast and then, they’re off to live their own lives.

When we come to the end of our own lives no one ever elected to have posted on their headstone “ I regret not having spent more time at the office.”

Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

The Annulment: What is That?

I’m already sorry that I asked. I’m sorry that I opened this box and looked inside because this is one subject that is immensely complex

The Wikipedia dictionary describes annulment as the legal grounds for making a void able marriage null and void from the start. It is a legal apparatus for correcting a mistake that has been made due to a number of grounds. The presence of fraud, force, and bigamy means that the marriage contract was deficient. Since a marriage ceremony is a combination of legal contractility, and religious faith, in many cases, the usual rules of contract apply.

In order to have a contract that is legally binding, the elements of good faith, competence and mental capability to enter into an agreement, consideration, and free will must all be present. Should fraud, force, illegality or prohibition by other statues exist, there can be no validity to the contract. A Declaration of Nullity ab initio, (from the beginning) gives legal stamp to say that the contract never legally existed.

This raises an interesting question in the case of those families that chase the two unfortunates down the aisle at the point of the shotgun. Usually she is pregnant and her family can’t take the shame of it all. After the event, if the couple decided to do so they could sue for an annulment.

Most of the reasons to qualify for an annulment hopefully can be realized fairly on so that the shortest period of time elapses from the wedding day. In addition to the others above, the realization that one party is already married would void the marriage. I believe that actual fraud need be present, just the mistaken belief that a divorce decree absolute had been obtained, when it had not. If one partner is too young to consent, and there is no parental consent; or if there is a wilful or inability to sexually consummate the marriage; or if the marriage is prohibited by law, such as in the case of close relatives, these all give good grounds to apply for a Declaration of Nullity, and all are relatively uncomplicated. I say, relatively so, because there is bound to be a bit of a mess involved. (How’s that for an understatement?).

Where a level of complexity arises is if a child was born within the period of the supposed marriage. Since an annulment is not a divorce, which simply brings a marriage to an end, the annulment says that no marriage existed at all. Therefore the child would have been born out of wedlock and is branded illegitimate. Not so under Catholic Church Ecclesiastical Law. The church argues that the children continue to be legitimate, but that the parents have not been granted a divorce. Their marriage never existed (legally?), and it’s existence is not recognized in the eyes of the church.

I’m confused! Is this the same as having it both ways? I really am not trying to be disrespectful to the church, but this I just don’t understand, and apparently I am not alone.

Would someone who does understand what is going on please e-mail me to help me understand, so that I can help others.

E-mail me at eugene.spain@gmail.com

I would love to hear from you. Thank you in advance.






Copyright © 2007 Eugene Carmichael

Divorce, the Driving Force

Published June 17, 2007

There was a time when to be a divorced person was a very shameful thing. The stigma that attached itself was that of a person who was a failure. Marriage was for life, as indeed you said it would be in your vows. Everyone in the village waited in anticipation for your wedding day, and they all dressed up on that day to help you celebrate. Later, when it was revealed that the pair of you had separated it brought shame on the whole village.

Well, that was then, this is the modern age when people go into marriage with a shrug saying, if it doesn’t work out, we’ll get a divorce. The statistics are disturbing. Depending on the country, within ten years of the wedding, between 30 to 40 percent, or more have ended, and in many cases the original participants have entered into their second marriages. The idea of the serial marriage syndrome appears to be gaining ground. This is where a marriage life expectancy is determined to be about seven years. That’s when the well-known Seven-Year itch takes over and it’s time for a change.

An extreme example could be the successful independent career woman. She wants it all. She wants the two children who are legitimate; she wants the home; she wants the continuing financial support; but what she doesn’t want is a boring, pain-in-the-butt husband hanging around all the time. So, once she has all the other pieces in place there will be nothing that he can do right for her. She wants him gone and she relies on her friend, the law, to assist in getting rid of him.

I know, this is a very cynical view, but there are a number of men who are prepared to testify as to their personal experiences.

The fact is that women are in the lead in pressing for divorce. It may have always seemed that way because in many cases, where the couple agreed to separate, the man allowed her to file out of a sense of chivalry. This I know for a fact as I have done this very thing. The important point is that most women filing for divorce today would tell you that they don’t want to be married. In fact, it’s probably the guy who will say that he wishes they could work it out.

Certainly, the discomfort that women tolerated in their marriages of the recent past is unthinkable by today’s young women.

So, where does that leave modern man? Seems to me that a great deal more thought has to be put into the question: Is this trip down the aisle really advisable, or even necessary?

In his very excellent book written in 1970, “Future Shock”, by Alvin Toffler, he coined the phrase “the artist as antennae of our society.” If that be the case what we see movie stars and singers doing is living together apart. They maintain their own living space while at the same time being committed to each other. They bring up their families with the children spending time between the two homes. This all seems to be predicated on the fact that this is how it will be in the end anyway, so they just cut out the painful middle part.

Copyright (c) 2007 Eugene Carmichael